What if
by Gundambaby
Summary: Silly Drabbles, Shortshots and Oneshot and a list. Newest: What if ... The team was turned into rebellious teenagers?
1. Table of contents

**1-5 Are the first What if's I have ever written**

**6-24 Were Advent calender suprises.**

**25-44 Are new and might contain spoilers (and huge amounts of typos)  
**

1- TABLE OF CONTENTS

2. The Failing

What if … Rodney's ATA gene failed

3. Knitting Knight & Madness

What if … Teyla loved to knit

What if … Zelenka was a mad scientist

4. Johanna

What if … Sheppard was turned into a woman

5. Petshop Boy

What if … Ronon had a pet

6. Rusty Doornails ain't dead enough

What if … Biro was in need of a body

7. If life gives you a lemon

What if …the team were on mission on L3-M0-NX (LE-MO-NX)

8. Oneshot

What if … Sheppard didn't miss his aim (in 'Phantoms')

9. Talkative

What if … Atlantis had a chatroom

10. Fluffies

What if … the Atlanteans were turned into animals

11. Captain Cool

What if … Sheppard got superpowers

12. You, me & Them

What if … one Zelenka was enough

13. Wraith fodder

What if … Micheal tried to be vegetarian

14. The Death and the Doc

What if … Carson had a talk with THE DEATH

15. Novel cuisine la Atlantis

What if … Weir tried to cook

16. 75 Days

What if … Sheppard and McKay got caught in a time loop

17. Hit me Baby

What if … Teyla was a Britney Spear's fan

18. Intel Inside

What if … Rodney couldn´t deactivate the personal shield

19. Kitty Katty

What if … Heightmeyer was an evil psycho

20. Good morning, Atlantis

What if … galactic cockroaches invaded

21. A man to kill many & Bad hair day

What if … Ronon had a middle name

What if …Sheppard turned bald

22. Baby blues eyes

What if … Zelenka was turned into a toddler

23. Wh (ra) ite Christmas

What if … Santa Claus was coming to Atlantis

24. Too sexy for my land

What if Hermiod was a sexual deviant

25. Mock Turtle soup

What if …. McKay did inherit Carson's Turtles

26. Cookies in the Jar

What if … the atlantean chef did leave some notes to the ancients

27. A good day to die

What if … Rodney had a really bad day

28. Johnny

What if … Sheppard had been a fat kid

29. Sunny Days

What if … McKay and Beckett went fishing on Sunday

30. Sui-chi

What if … Sheppard and McKay switched bodies

31. Fiction stranger than truth

What if ... Radek and Rodney read fanficions

32. Newsflash

What if … Zelenka was bored

33. Wee free Ronon

What if ... Ronon had been shrunk

34. Hello again & Finish Line

What if ... Rodney found no way to save himself

What if ... the Asuran satellite wasn´t that dumb

35. Road trip

What if … Ronon made a trip to earth

36. Bad Hair Day 2

What if ... Sheppard was the hair -um- heir of Atlantis?

37. Make up!

What if... some Atlanteans could transform into Sailor Senshi?

38. Half-man

What if ... John lost an arm?

39. X to the ATA

What if ... SGA was set in the X-men universe

40. Fair world

What if ... Stargate Atlantis had been produced by Disney?

41. Go together like

What if ... McKay developed an aditional allergy?

42. Told you I was sick

What if ... the team encounted the plague?

43. Painkiller

What if ... McKay could feel no pain?

44. 38 going on 13

What if ... The team was turned into rebellious teenagers?


	2. The Failing

Beta-ed by Phinabean

* * *

**What if...**

**Rodney's ATA Gene failed?**

* * *

The metal walls moved grinding across the marble floor, closing in – it it was just not his imagination. The horrible scraping sound filled the small room, making it hard to think.  
But he had to stay calm, yes, just clam, very, very clam, everything would be fine and there was no reason – oh shit, shit, okay there was reason to panic.

"HELP! Somebody! HELP ME!"

The walls were coming closer and closer, already touching him.

"Stop, stop, stop…. Anybody… stop it, damn you!"

Rodney tried to focus, tried to will them away, why didn't they – oh not good, not good, not good at all! Where did these strange beeping sounds come from suddenly?

"No, no, no, no panic, not now, think Rodney, think, use your fantastic brain and everything will be fine, this is no damn rerun of Star Wars, you're not gonna be mashed by some stupid scrap pressing machine you accidentally turned on and can't – oh no, no, no, this can't be, can't be!"__

He tried harder than ever before, remembering all the times Atlantis had helped him, finally opening up to him thanks to his artificial gene, so why not now? Why!

"PLEASE! SHEPPARD! TEYLA! RONON! ANYBODY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

His radio didn't buzz magical into life, only silence answered his pleas. This was not possible – he had survived Wraith and Genii, explosions and drugs, only to end like this?

Rodney felt the cold metal walls through his thin t-shirt; his body would be easily crushed… and never be found at all… Sobbing, he closed his eyes. This was not fair, just not fair, not fair at all.

* * *

"John? Have you seen Rodney recently?"

"Nope, but it's nothing special for him to skip lunch when he's deep into a project. By the way, you really should try this mashed potato-like stuff, it tastes really good..."


	3. Knitting Knight & Madness

* * *

Betaed by phinabean

* * *

**What if ...**

**...Teyla loved to knit?**

* * *

"_Oh, thank you, this …. um... pullover is just lovely!"_

Elizabeth put on her best smile and hoped the Athosian woman would fall for it. If Teyla had any doubt about her genuineness, she at least didn't show it.

"I'm happy you like it, my people-"

"Oh, John! Excuse me Teyla, I have a rather urgent pre-mission meeting to plan need to know when John is free so would you -"

"Of course. I will see you later."

The tanned woman waved happily after her and turned round to go back to her quarters. For more knitting.

* * *

Elizabeth hurried past Sheppard and started to pull off the strange clothing the second the doors closed behind him. Gasping for air she threw the earth-colored wool accumulation on a vacant chair. John chuckled and took a seat next to the … thing Elizabeth had worn a second ago.

"So she finished her last one? Nice handiwork, don't you think?"

His grin did not falter when Elizabeth glared at him. Six sweaters or pullovers or what ever the Athosians used them for in one month! Six for each of her _closest _friends. Or better the whole damn staff on this outpost. And what for? Atlantis had a heating system capable of melting down Antarctica, so there was no need for _warm clothing_!

"John? Don't you think it would be nice if the Wraith would drop in for a short visit? We could cloak Atlantis… with lots and lots of brown and green sweaters… "

"Hey, weren't you the one who encouraged her to find herself a nice hobby?"

"Only because I thought it would be counterproductive if she beat up all of our men with her stick! I thought she couldn't do anymore damage with knitting needles."

Elizabeth sighed and rubbed her temples. They had to find a planet to trade wool sweaters for useful stuff soon, or she would resign and go back to writing her memoirs. Sensing her despair, John carefully patted her hand.

"Don't worry. If Carson doesn't find an antidote and the biologists fail to create the ultimate moth, we can still ask Rodney if there isn't a way of powering the city with wool."

She managed a weak smile . Besides her personal dislike for anything knitted, there was no reason to worry just because of a few sweaters. Teyla would soon get bored. Hopefully.

* * *

"Would you mind teaching me?"  
The Athosian arched an eyebrow, but smiled, slightly amused.  
"I'm surprised… but of course I will, gladly. Sit down and grab two needles Ronon, it's very simple, just watch..."

* * *

What if...

**Zelenka was a mad scientist?**

* * *

Absently he patted the head of his favorite pet.

Sipping vodka from a delicate crystal glass, he overlooked this great city with a sense of pride. It was all his doing this marvelous place was no longer inhabited by cretins and idiots that could not differentiate between a water faucet and a nuclear bomb.

Sure, it had been a long, dreadful way up to this moment, with lots of setbacks – most due to an annoying, now fortunately deceased scientist who constantly messed everything up. He was brilliant, but way too arrogant to ever be a good pet or worker.

Zelenka had him executed the first hour he was in charge, and still cherish the moment. Silencing Meredith _Rodney_ McKay had been his dream for years… it was hard to believe that such an awful, noisy human was finally quiet… wonderfully quiet.

Rodney had accused him of being mad, oh he had, as well as the other members of the Atlantis staff… poor Carson, such a pity to lose him, but a rebellious medic was no more useful than a dead medic. He had him killed along with the rest of the medical staff, still yelling and cursing in his strange mother tongue.

Next had been Sheppard…loyal, stupid Sheppard… Won't the sheep be lost forever now?

His pet shivered from being exposed to the bitter cold of the Lantean morning. Zelenka was surprised that she hadn't gotten used to it by now. Feeling generous today, he dropped his coat around her instead of kicking her away.

"Aw, we don't want you to get sick again, do we?"

Her green eyes looked upon him wide with fear, but as he made no move to hit her she relaxed again. Elizabeth Weir had learned that her place was by her master feet, and what would happen if she ever forgot again. It had taken time to break her, but she had learned her lesson well.

Proud he looked down on his city. His golem-drones should be patrolling the city by now, supervising the few humans left on this planet to work for him properly.

Zelenka took off his glasses and cleaned them carefully. With the Daedalus sunk and the Stargate disabled, nobody would stop him. This beautiful city would fly again, for him, taking him to the stars. Not today, but soon enough.

"Co Mûzes udelat dnes, odloz na pozitri a dnes a zitra budes mit volno."

He started to laugh.


	4. Johanna

* * *

Betaed by phinabean

* * *

**What if ...**

**…Sheppard was turned into a woman?**

* * *

He could feel the smug grins and irrespective stares, even though he tried his best to ignore them. God, what was so special about his new chest section to keep them constantly occupied for two months, four days and eleven hours? Even his most loyal soldiers started to whistle when he jogged by, or tried to pick up something, showing some skin.

Okay, _maybe_ he was the second hottest female on Atlantis – but what? It wasn't like this little accident changed him from being John Sheppard, military head of this expedition! Just because he was wearing a bra now didn't mean he had lost his intelligence or training or anything at all…

_Okay_, maybe his running time was no longer invincible, and maybe his aim was not at his (or her) best when he had those damn cramps in his abdomen, but still! He was still the manly, male John Sheppard on the inside! He was almost on the verge of tears when he finally arrived in his apartment. This was so mean; nobody understood him anyway or even tried to…

He grabbed a chocolate bar and felt better in an instant. Funny, chocolate could really save ones days couldn't it? Rodney had been so close to reversing this whole stupid process, so close. John tried not to think about the dreadful sound when the artifact broke.

God, if he had not stormed out like he did he would have thrown a tantrum on him, just like his mom always did to his dad…God, he missed her.

Tears started to flow out from nowhere and despite his best effort; he could not fight them off.

He missed shaving his face in the morning - instead he was shaving his armpits with a Ladyprotector Teyla had given him, using lotion to keep his skin smooth and caring about stuff like being sticky or smelly after training. Despair rolled like a tsunami over his head.

He was so sick of being "accidentally" bumped, or feeling hands ghost over his ass; he was sick of having every male come to his rescue when facing a minor problem - oh thank you shining knight in armor! Sick of the jealousy from most of the female population, ( like malfunctions resulting in cold showers the day after he wore a muscle-shirt for training…John never knew he hated cold shower that much); and sick of the questioning look of Elizabeth and Carson and Ronon and Teyla and hell even _McKay_, saying louder than words "You sure you can manage this Joh_anna_?"

If he ever got back to normal, he would hunt down and kill the person who nicknamed him Joh_anna. _He still was JOHN and not some stupid lil' girl running round in the oh-so-big-bad world without a clue! Ronon hitting him like one in training didn't help, thank you!

Even Rodney "_I'm a pig head to every living create if annoyed" _McKay was holding back when it came to him. He even found him watching his butt when he thought nobody noticed!! And on top of all this, John found himself also staring! Over 20 years he had shared the shower with men of all ages and never caught himself even thinking about glancing quickly around…. Now, being on a mission on a hot desert planet was pure horror to him! Ronon peeling his shirt off, presenting his broad shoulders, flawless chest, perfect six-pack and – STOP! He was not going to think like this about his team mates, he was not, he was not…

The door chime rang, and he hurried to dry his tears. He was still the big, bad, manly, military CO of Atlantis. He was not crying…maybe his eyes hurt a bit, that's all.

When he opened the door, nobody was in sight. Angry, he was about to close the door again, when he noticed the flowers carefully placed right to his door. _Flowers_?

Who the hell would send him flowers?? Fuming he grabbed the plants and shut the door quickly, already on his way to the waste bin to get rid of them. Sending flowers, _sending flowers_ to him?? This meant war; pure, cold-hearted, bloody war. A card was attached to the pretty white-blue bunch of flowers, reading in neat letters "_I'm sorry"_

John blinked twice and turned it over, but nothing more than a simple "_I'm sorry"._

But who…? Maybe Zelenka? Or ... McKay? This was stupid, idiotic, and chauvinistic – but sweet, never the less.

Okay, time for a shower – cold manly shower, for he was a man, a man, a man – and maybe an extraordinary hard, manly workout afterwards. He had to clear his head; he was _John Sheppard,_ with or without breasts and long eyelashes! But first he had to place the flowers into a vase…

* * *

"Do you think she'll notice?"

"Na, don't think so… wait, yep, connection established. Wuuhuuu! Look at that!!"

"Can you turn the camera a bit? Yeeeees, now where talking… man, at least D, at least D!"

"Stop drooling on my keyboard Zelenka… oh baby. Yes, be good to daddy… go into that shower… no! No! Don't close that door!! Damn…"

A collective sigh was heard from the little crowd around McKay's laptop.

"Next time send her a rubber duck or anything like, will ya man?"

"You are pervert... I like that idea..."


	5. Petshop Boy

* * *

**_Beta: Phinabean_**

**What if...**

**Ronon had a pet?**

* * *

It had just followed them. Followed them over the hills, to the stargate, to Atlantis. Weir was the first to notice the guest within her top team.

"Uhm - John? What is this?"

She pointed towards the strange white-furred animal, complete with black hooves and huge brown eyes.

It was rubbing its small head on Ronon's leg and was making a sound close to purring.

Teyla kneeled down and tried to touch it, but it quickly hid behind the huge Satedan.

"I think it is a Vavuû, even though they usually live on cold planets."

For a second he looked as if he was about to kick the animal away – just as McKay suggested it – but in the end he bent down and picked it up.

"It looks…harmless."

His voice was almost gentle, and he laughed when the Vavuû tried to nibble on his dreads locks.

Weir looked almost sorry for sticking to her principles.

"We have to send it back where it came from, we can't keep any alien life forms on Atlantis, no matter how cute they are."

Cute? Did she just say _cute_? Sheppard arched his eyebrows, but decided to break the news to her sooner rather than later.

"Sorry Dr Weir, but that won't be possible."

She tried to look surprised, although the fact her team one managed to get into trouble just anywhere was something like an universal law. So, what had they done this time? There shouldn't have been any problems; no population, no alien ships; just a few harmless ancient devices – or so McKay had told her. She was about to ask, but McKay already present the short version of today's disaster.

"Well, Top Gun here didn't listen – again – to me and touched some of the devices, turning them on. Unfortunately, one was a Geo-bomb. We better update the intel on the planet; to make a long story short, it's no longer safe to travel to one. At least not without a space suit."

The Vavuû was on the floor again, enjoying being feed by Teyla with bits of an energy bar. Elizabeth sighed and shook her head.

"I guess we can't just set it free on the mainland, can we? Let one of the biologists check it up and inform every Gate team to check their worlds for – Vavuû populations, so we can bring it back home. Until then, we just have to keep it here."

Weir did not look forward to the paperwork this incident would create.

* * *

Within two weeks, there were only three people left who didn't like "Nelly". One was a marine who broke his arm after toppling over the sleeping Vavuû, but he eventually forgave her. The other was the chef, because almost everyone had turn vegetarian when the lamb-catlike animal purred at him.  
The last one, not surprisingly, was McKay. He just didn't trust the fuzzy energy-ball who tended to play with _his_ ancient devices just to annoy him. Zelenka gave Nelly enough to play with, so why did it always pick his stuff!

The Vavuû was constantly at Ronon's side, and the big fighter seemed to enjoy the company of his unusual pet. It slept on his lap, ate his energy bars – which according to McKay was a horrible waste of food – and even tried to follow on missions.  
Sheppard had an increasingly hard time leaving the crying Vavuû-baby left behind. Not even Carson could lure Nelly out of the gate room when her 'Daddy' was gone. She would sit there and bah softly, ears hanging low until he returned.

* * *

It was in the dead of christmas evewhen the three Wraith managed to sneak into Atlantis. Nobody noticed them, Teyla being on the mainland and most of the others celebrating .

McKay was one of the few still working in his lab. Well, almost alone.

"Nelly, get the hell down off my workbench! And stop rolling that thing round! Maybe it's dangerous, you stupid animal!! No, no, no!! Ronon will kill me if I kill you!"

To busy keep up with the playful Vavuû, he never noticed the doors open before the stunner hit him.

Nelly looked curiously at the suddenly unmoving human and eyed the intruder carefully. He was ten-times as big as her, scary and smelled not nice. In fact, he smelled evil, and he just hurt one of her friends. Vavuû were known for two things – being incredible adorable, and being the most overprotective species ever.

The Wraith never knew what hit him; only the four small hoof prints would give away his attacker. The second Wraith, who was to check up on the progress of taking captives only felt an excruciating pain and then knew no more.

* * *

When Sheppard found and shot the last Wraith, he went looking for McKay. What he found were two dead Wraith and a worried Vavuû, who was trying to wake up the still unconscious scientist.

"Whoa, Nelly, did you do that?"

She purred and sat down in front of him. Sheppard grinned to himself; McKay was so not going to like this - saved by a killer sheep! He would never live it down.

* * *

When SGA-8 finally found a Vavuû population on another world and the time to say goodbye had finally come, even McKay was thinking about disabling the stargate, just to keep their fuzzy friend. No matter how often the crew of Atlantis keep telling themselves and each other that Nelly was only a strange alien pet… she was something more, almost a member of the family.

"So, this is goodbye cutie? Will you be a good girl?"

McKay would have sworn Carson had been crying, but not even he felt much like teasing Beckett about that.

After making sure his little girl was in best health, there was nothing left to do for him. But still Carson kept on standing in the gate room and watched the team march off-world. The room was crowded, and even when the wormhole shut down, nobody moved.

Who knew what might happen offworld? Maybe they would come bring her back??

* * *

_Spring 2007_

"Are you alright? What happened??"

Weir hurried down the stairs. The Team had just returned from a visit to a planet close to a space-gate. The puddle jumper looked worse for the wear and the team looked none the better.

McKay was ranting about alien vessels and bombs, when she saw him.

A small, puppy-like black animal tumbled down the ramp and sat down whining. Carefully Sheppard picked up the alien and stroked his head. Teyla smiled at it and made a soft clicking noise before speaking.

"I think it's called a Kalop, but usually they live in deserts……."


	6. Rusty Doornails aint dead enough

* * *

**What if …**

**Dr Biro was in need of a body?**

* * *

"May I help you?"

The chef was used to the "help" of the doctor of pathology by now, and almost didn't flinch when she sneak upon him with her big knives. _Almost._ She just wanted to … uh … help, yes right.

"Ya, the carrots need to be cut..."

She gave him her brightest smile (still a bit too much _graveyard_) and immediately started to dissect – uhm, chop up the vegetables. The cuisine staff unconscious moved further away, not able to stand the sight of the slaughter of the carrots.

* * *

"Thanks for calling me, I was really bored you know, I'm so glad to help you! Don't worry, you know I'm really good at dismembering stuff and -"

The shrieking noise of her circular saw cut the dreadful job description off. Soon metal pieces piled on the floor, but the scientists didn't dare to stop her, even when the core was broken beyond repair.

Zelenka was glad McKay showed finally up, starting to yell and curse seeing the ancient artefact missing most – no, all - vital parts. Finally the woman stopped, looking a bit surprised and hurt at the tantrum thrown at her. So, what, maybe some minor cuts on this thing, and McKay ran already amok? If he kept that attitude of his, he was very likely soon to be a patient of hers… Dr Biro felt somewhat amused at this thought.

* * *

She cried when she heard about Griffin. Dead, and deep down below the ocean surface.. What an awful way to be dead... awful.. Sobbing, she put back her bone saw and scalpels. Maybe she should pay the infirmary a visit, Beckett said something about McKay's condition worsening… maybe he even caught a pneumonia? Closing the boards, Dr Biro hurried out of the empty morgue. One could not be careful enough nowadays.

"Hey Carson, what has happened so far today?"

Elizabeth tried to sound cheerful, but she already felt a migraine form. His update would not amuse her, and neither the insurance of the expedition.

His blue eyes looked apologetic for a moment, but as head of medical service, he had to have this talk with her. And there was no telling who got injured while he was for dinner.

"Three minor concussions, one server one – having him stay overnight; one broken arm – poor fell a wee bit down to the floor, and few cuts, abrasions and bruises…"

"And nobody has a clue what happened, right?"

Weir hadn't touched her chicken salad, grimly recalling all the recent mysterious accidents.

Beckett sighed and shoved the pasta across his plate, when suddenly Sheppard called his name over radio, requesting help, urgently. He left the table not wasting a second, racing to the infirmary. When this was over, he was so going back to Scotland, he swore under his breath.

* * *

When the hive ship came into sigh, Dr Biro felt her eyes water for a second. Sheppard had just informed them they had turned the Wraith back to humans, but some had themselves, while others were dying from the stress… Beckett had already called her to prepare herself to go on board. Prepare herself? God, she was trembling with impatience to go there!

Sheppard's team spoke of dozens, not hundreds of death bodies! Hopefully she had not forgotten to get her extra batteries charged…

* * *

"Uhm... You noticed ...she looks almost… happy?"

The marines carefully check their machine guns and nervously watched the woman in the far corner, dissecting what had to be her seventh body in three hours.

"Maybe we should inform Sheppard?"

"Yeah, sure, and tell him what? The big bad pathologist lady scared us to death with her own version of _Atlantis chainsaw massacre_?"

"Haha .. very funny ... Shut up, will you, she can hear us!"

For a second he could have sworn he saw a smile under that bloody mask of hers.


	7. If life gives you a lemon

* * *

**What if…**

**The team were on mission on L3-M0-NX?**

* * *

"It's quite-"

"Yellow."

"Not very eloquent, but fitting. You sure this planet is inhabitable? Doesn't look very healthy."

The team had stepped through the event horizon into a world colored dark golden, light brown over brimstone yellow to .. well, every sort of yellow. The blue wormhole had to be the only blue object on the whole planet. Even the sky was painted faint khaki; Bright yellow sunshine illuminating the sierra golden plants, yellow soil covering the ground and in the distance were some sand brown mountains.

"It does look quite normal, and the MALP readings said it's healthier than earth down here. Okay, the coloring is maybe a bit -monotone."

"What's that smell? Do you smell it too? What is it again… it's so familiar…"

McKay was impatiently snapping his finger, trying to remember what the smell reminded him of, but fortunately he was distracted by his scanner, which had started to beep and kept him busy with checking energy readings instead. Sheppard shoot Ronon and Teyla a warning glance, and hoped nobody would remind their hypochondriac scientist of the definite odor of citrus in the air.

* * *

"Atishoo!"

"Bless you."

"Th'nks."

The village was not far away, and Sheppard was sure they knew by now somebody was coming thanks to McKay's elephantic sneezing. Hopefully they didn't try to shoot them.

"I think I'm allergic to some – atishoo! - thing. Maybe I should better 'sniff' head back- atishoo!"

"Common, stop it already. You had a slight cold even before we got here, so gimme a break. And you wouldn't want to pass the change to find some exciting ancient artefact for a medical exam? Remember, you did piss Carson off quite badly."

"Oh – atishoo! – right. But still-"

"Ah, look, there even coming for us, saying Hi, so you can't turn around now, that'd be rude."

"But– atishoo!"

His complains were drowned in cheerful welcome-nice-aliens-who-are-you chatter, and Rodney was forced to tag along with the joyful village crowd, still wheezing and sneezing. John would pay for this once they were back on clean, allergen-free Atlantis. Given he would make it back…

* * *

"Is you're friend alright? He doesn't look very well."

McKay was sitting in a dark corner, rubbing his red eyes, still wheezing. The tears streaming down his face gave him an almost vulnerable look, which was fortunately ruined by his ever present ranting and complains, even shooing the villager matrons away. Sheppard was also worried about him, but if they didn't participate in the damn purification ceremony, they were neither allowed to enter the temple nor return to the stargate. Bad thing it was, the ceremony did include some worshiping. To make things all that worse, the worshiping of a lemon.

"Ah, yes, he's just a very sensitive man. The ceremony is really getting through him."

Which was no lie, the ceremony was really getting him. Hopefully he wouldn't faint, even though Sheppard wasn't sure he himself could last very much longer in the small, stuffed room praying at some damn yellow fruit.

_Scratch, scratch, scratch._  
John was amazed how such a simple sound could be so unnerving. Or to be more accurate, the person responsible for this noise.

"Will you stop it McKay? This is really annoying."

His whispered words were soon answered by a angry hiss.

"Do you think I enjoy tearing my skin off? The itching is killing me, there's not so much I can do about it Captain Compassion! It's all your fault!"

"It was you who wanted to come here, just in case forgotten!"

"But you kept me here! _Holy celestial lemon_, my ass, and I thought earth religions were – atishoo! – backwards! "

* * *

Hiking to a forest was never very tempting, and fighting a way through a jungle to see some broken down ancient 'temple' was just behind 'getting fed off by a wraith' on the team's must have done list. _Scratch, scratch, scratch._ This day was just going straight down from not good to bad to worse.

"I swear, if we're back, you're getting a Immunotherapy, and if I have to do it myself!"

Sheppard knew McKay couldn't hear him through the heavy rain, and even if he had heard he would not have answered. Ronon was supporting him, half carrying the man, while Teyla covered their six, looking out for more lemons. John felt sorry for not listening to his scientist, if McKay hadn't had to come along, all four of them would still be fine. The team would have just eaten the lemon slices before entering the temple, and would have left after seeing some boring ruins and finding nothing valuable.

But forcing McKay to eat lemons would have killed the man, and so all of them had refused the offered fruit. Little did they know this procedure was the local witch proof. They didn't eat the sacred lemon? They were send from hell, and had to be killed!

For a change, the team didn't find themselves running for their lives under a constant rain of bullets, but lemons. And who managed to get the brunt of the attack? Right, McKay, now barely conscious, fighting against lethal anaphylactic shock with as much aid as a quick Epi-pen shot could offer. Cursing, Sheppard dialed the gate and help Ronon carry Rodney over the steps.

"Get Carson down here, we have a medical emergency!"

When they arrived the gate room, Rodney had stopped breathing.

* * *

"You say all citrus fruits have disappeared?"

"Yes Ma'am, and I have no clue what happened. I mean, we were guarding the storage room all the time!"

"No one blames you, there has to be a logical reason for the fruits gone MIA… maybe somebody just change the order of the shelves. Just recheck the crates again, and inform me on the progress. Weir out."

The mess was silent, and only one table was occupied. So Carson had managed to force them out of the infirmary. Rodney was doing fine, and he didn't look forward to have a new set of patients once he got cleared for duty. Sitting down opposite of John, Elizabeth ignored his yellow stained fingertips, and didn't she ask about the orange spots on Ronon's shirt, or comment for Teyla's new perfume – eau'de citrus. Grabbing her sandwich, she just shook her head ever so slightly and smiled at her top team.

"I have some bad news, the Daedalus has some minor shipping problems. Caldwell just hailed us, saying they couldn't stock all the new supplies. So beware, there won't be any new toothbrushes, hairpins or lemons for the next two months. I'm sorry guys."

Sheppard smiled, for the first time in three days.

"Oh, well, that's a drama. Are the rumors true somebody just stole all the citrus fruits left on Atlantis?"


	8. Oneshot

* * *

**What if …**

**John didn't miss his aim in 'Phantoms'?**

* * *

"John, NO!"

Teyla tried to shove the gun away, making Sheppard lose his target and give Rodney time to escape. But she didn't have enough power to change the grim way of destiny, not this time. The bullet hit McKay straight in the chest. He watched them for a moment, quite puzzled, arms still raised, before he collapsed with a soft moan. Sheppard didn't bother checking if he had killed the 'enemy' and tried to contact their fictive allies via his radio. Horrified Teyla starred down at her dying team colleague, unable to help him. His voice was so weak she barely heard him.

"The cave… turn ... power off."

Blood welled between his lips, his eyes closed as he grimacing in pain.

Teyla eventually managed to drag John into the cave and make him turn off the power, just in time before a well placed stunner shot would have killed them.

"Ronon… put that gun away."

"Sheppard?"

Both men starred at each other confused, unable to explain what just happened. Teyla did tell them what had happened, tears streaming down her cheeks. John would never forgive him what he had done, even if he wasn't to blame.

"Go and get Beckett John. John?"

Hazel brown eyes did never leave the still figure lying on the ground, and in the end Ronon had go and look for Beckett, despite his own injuries. Teyla had managed to reach John through his hallucinations, but seeing him going in to shock was even worse.

McKay was barely breathing, and Teyla had no idea how to keep his blood in his veins. The bullet went through his breastbone and left through his back, and had apparently visited some internal organs as well. The damaged seemed to be serve.

"Please, don't die… please, not now…"

When she didn't get any response, Teyla had to fight the urge to loose it and start screaming. This was not happening!

* * *

"Rodi, you've got a visitor!"

Blue eyes light up, and the man lay down his crayon, turning his wheelchair around so fast it knocked against the table.

In the door way stood a tall man, holding a small present and waving at him.

"Hi Rodney, how are you?"

"Ga!"

"That's good to hear. If got a gift for you, hope you like it."

"_Ag_?"

Rodi didn't know the name of the man, but he remembered him visiting before, and he was very nice. Rodi had problems with his longterm memory, and sometimes he forgot people how didn't visit him regularly, but the dark haired man came quite often.

He tore the paper, and starred at the strange thing lying flat on his palm.

"You can turn it on like this, you see?"

Dark haired man touched the screen, and it lit up, displaying various colors. Rodi laughed, and watched the patterns change rapidly.

He was so focused on the toy he didn't notice the dark haired one leave his room, crying.  
Rodi was very happy.


	9. Talkative

* * *

**What if …**

**The Atlantean crew had a chatroom?**

* * *

"So, let's see who online."

Elizabeth was tired and sore, and longed for nothing but a hot bath and some chocolate before finally collapsing onto her bed, but she still had to check on the chatroom.

At first it had only been a private geek chat, a place for trekkies and people how were to shy to talk face to face to their science peers. But sooner or later the smarter of the military found out about the semi-internet fun, and joined in, messing up the connection and servers.

_**- -User Firebird is in the house!!- -**_

**-starangel-** Welcome Fire! 'hug'

**-brain-** Hi

**-JamesBondage-** Yo Birdy, how are ya ?

**-Firebird-** Fine, and you guys? Anything new? Where's klok21?

**-brain-** dunno, maybe still in the mess. It's true Opaca and Missfitty are dating?

**-JamesBondage-** You kidding? That'd be gross…

**-brain-** I heard so from rest0 and medicangel2

**-Firebird-** me too

**-JamesBondage-** arrgh, wait a minute guys

_**- - User JamesBondage changes nick to Captainoffline - -**_

**-starangel-** you off? again? But we haven't finished WOW! Common!

**-Captainoffline-** sorry star, but someones knocking at my door. Maybe Lorne, gimme a minute

_**- -User Captainoffline has left the building - -**_

**-Firebird-** scottie? You here?

**-pitbullno1-** Uh, sorry lass, didn't read you. How are you my Liz?

**-brain-** hey, no names or talk in private

**-pitbullno1-** Comon Rodney, everybody knows who wer are

**-brain-** NO NAMES!

-**starangel-** Why not _Meredith?_ :P

_**- -brain kicks starangel out of the living room- -**_

_**- - User starangel is in the house - -**_

_**- -User starangel changes nick to avengingangel - -**_

**- avengingangel-** DIE McKay! '_pulls out bazooka'_

_**- -User brain changes nick to SUPERBrain - -**_

-**SUPERBrain-** Haha, you think! '_uses ancient power surge to fry avengingangel'_

**-Firebird- private** Carson, can't we just kick them out?

**-pitbullno1- private** I'm afraid we can't, they would hack their way in… 'sigh'

_**-- User KillerKitty has joined us! --**_

**-avengingangel-** Help me kitty! Brains gonna kill me!

**-SUPERBrain-** No she won't help you - Never mind sweetie! He deserve to die!

**-KillerKitty- **What's going on? Uh, hi firebird, hi scottie '_hugkiss'_

**-Firebird-** The boys are arguing again '_sigh' _Is your connection still that slow?

**-KillerKitty-** Not since Brain gave me the advanced codes, why?

**-Firebird-** I've got some new game, wanna try?

**-KillerKitty-** Yeah, send it over!

**-SUPERBrain-** What sort of game?

_**--User Firebird is away- - **_

_**-- User KillerKitty is away -- **_

**-SUPERBrain-** that was quick

**-avengingangel-** I bet she got the new DOOM version, unfair: (

**-SUPERBrain- private** We could hack the mainfraim and find out

**-avengingangel- private** We're screwed if she finfs out

**-avengingangel- private** –f +d

**-SUPERBrain- private** doubt she ever will, unless _you_ tell her

**-pitbullno1-** Anybody here? It's so silent?

**-avengingangel-** Yeah scottie.

**-pitbullno1-** You're not planning to hack anything?

_**- - User SUPERBrain changes nick to brain - -**_

**-brain-** '_innocent'_ like we'd ever even dare to think about

**-avengingangel-** '_grin'_ yeah

_**-- User Captainoffline is back home! -- **_

**-brain-** RE!

**-pitbullno1-** Hello John

_**- - User brain kicks User pitbullno1 out of the house - -**_

**-brain-** I told him no names! Damn, why don't they understand how to chat properly

_**- - User CaptainOffline changes nick to Puddler- -**_

**-Puddler-** You having any real life at all brain? Maybe you should get out a bit more often

**-avengingangel- private** Are you nuts? At least he is in his quarters! Don't want to have him running round in that mood!

**-Puddler-** Sorry

**-avengingangel- private** use private function!

**-Puddler-** Uh, how was that again…

**-brain-** what are you talking about? You know, I can read you…

**-avengingangel-** Nothing!

**-Puddler-** Nothing!

**-brain-** Yeah, right, and I'm Michael Jackson what?

_**- -User brain kicks Puddler - - **_

_**- -User Brain kicks -avengingangel - -**_

**-brain-** Peace

**-brain-** Uh, hello?

**-brain- **Anybody here?

**-brain- **Great

-**brain-** Firebird? Kitty? You still playing?

**-brain-** Damn

**-brain-** Boooooring

**-brain-** Hey, comon, you can't just leave me here…

_**- - User brain has left the room - -**_

_**- -User Hollaback is visible- -**_

_**- - User Smile8 is visible- -**_

_**- -User Ubercool is visible- -**_

_**- -User Sausage7 is visible- -**_

_**- -User StarMoonSun is visible- -**_

_**- - User Sadeta is visible- -**_

_**- - User Coconut is visible- -**_

**-Hollaback-** Thought he'd never leave

**-Sadeta-** Right.

**-StarMoonSun- **We should block him out

**- Sausage7-** You're so mean, he's not that bad :P

**-Hollaback-** lolz… riiight... Okay, anybody got an idea how to de-admin him?

**- Coconut-** 'silence' He can track your IP, you know?

**-Hollaback-** Damn? You kidding?

**- Coconut-** Nope

**- Sausage7-** Haha, you're screwed !

* * *

**Five days later…**

Lorne was not surprised when the hot water in his quarters failed. Nor did he flinch when his laundry returned pink. But when he logged in the chatroom and found his nick changed to SugarPie, he couldn't help but curse.


	10. Fluffies

* * *

**What if …**

… **the Atlanteans were turned into animals?**

* * *

Most people didn't notice the change when waking up first.

Like McKay. He woke up, feeling normal and unnerved by the fact he had to get up, his brain barely registering the fact the bed seemed to have gotten larger since last night.

Not only the bed, but the whole room seemed to be bigger than a few hours ago, but slight disorientation was nothing new after a night spend with too much work and too little sleep.

When he tried to get up, setting his feet on the floor, he noticed a nanosecond to late his feet were missing. With a nasty thud his snout, followed by the rest of the body, connected with the cold ground.

_That hurt!!_  
Or more 'Woof!' came out of his mouth, and startled by the noise Rodney looked around. What was that? Didn't he hear something bark just now?

_Strange_. 'Woof'

_Wait a minute! _'Woof Woof Woof!'

_This is impossible!_ 'Whine!'

Looking down, he found his legs and arm were impossible short and covered with fur. No, no, no – this was just dream he was still dreaming!

_Wake up, wakey wakey wakey Rodney!! You're no dog, no, you're just having some weird dream._

He tried to run full speed against a wall, trying to wake himself up, but except some headache he was not rewarded with any mind blasting news.

'Woof!!" _God I'm a dog!_

Glad he still had his own brilliance in his deformed head, he race towards the doors, thinking them open and down the hallways. Beckett was more veterinarian than medic, he would know the answer, whatever the question was.

* * *

'Meow!!'

'Hee-haw!'

'Moooh!'

'Woof?' _What?_

Apparently he was no the only unlucky human stuck in an animal form. A whole zoo had gathered outside the infirmary, and Rodney only understood half of the languages they used. He could still understand English barks and moohs, but if the green frog over there was croaking his Korean gae-gool-gae-gool, he might as well have listened to a real frog. Suddenly something wet touched his fur, making him jump.

'Woof woof!' _And who are you, pretty?_

A big German shepherd dog was sniffling at his hair, and angered Rodney barked at him.

'Woof! Woof, woof! _Woof._' _It's me, Rodney! Idiot Sheppard!_

'Woof Woof!' _How come you know it's me?_

'Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof." _It's so obvious._

'HrrHrr.' _Rodney, good to see you. What happened? And were are the others?_

Rodney learned Teyla had changed into a ferret, gracefully as ever standing on two legs, eying the shepherd dog carefully, also doing this weird sniffling thing.

'Woof! Woof woof woof. Whine.' _I guess it was that damn machine the Daedalus brought over. We need to turn it off. Anybody seen Carson or Zelenka so far?_

'Woaf!' _What happened?_

'Whine!!' _Bahah!_ _And I though you turning into a Shepperd dog was ridiculous Sheppard!_

A small, black Scottie dog tried to make his way through the assembly. Whining, McKay turned on his pads and headed for his lab. So, no help here either. Hopefully at least _one _of the science staff had remained normal ... Or not.

'Woof!' _Radek? Is that … you?_

A small brown hamster tried to access a Laptop, but it was impossible for him to reach the keys without climbing on them.

'Sniff sniff.' _It's not working, we have to turn it off manually!_ _But I can't get down on the floor without help, so it's up to you!_

'Grrh!' _This day is just gettin__g better and better._

* * *

If he had not been in the same situation, Rodney would have been the first one to laugh and get the cameras to do a bit documentary filming.

_Maybe even a whole feature, like – This is the reason why we don't work on ancient devices in the middle of the night._

So far he run into three horses, one cow (despite the gender he suspected it was Lorne) and five cats, one of them being Elizabeth. Ronon had been the only lucky one so far, having turned into a eagle who was soaring through the hallways, scaring the smaller rodents to death.

McKay couldn't help grinning thinking what would happen to the mighty bird when the artefact was turned off.

It was horrible! Heightmeyer was a gibbon, Biro a squirrel monkey, and Laura Cadman had to be one of those squeaky guinea pigs. Hopefully Katie brown was not one of these goats! He had kissed her after all!

But despite being quite hilarious themselves, they kept making jokes on his appearance! As if his animal form had anything to do with his personality! Angry he strolled down the hallways.

'WOOF WOOF WOOF!!' _Damn you damn damn thing!_

Rodney could open ancient doors without problems – maybe the ancients had pets and had built in a animal trigger – but he couldn't turn off the machine causing his transformation!

'Woof!' _Fuck!_

'Gobble Gobble!' _Barking at it won't help. But maybe if we all work together you could reach the switch, Dr McKay._

Turning round, Rodney saw a lot of animals had gathered, lead by the big turkey.

'Woof' _What?_

Truly, once they did a quick Bremen Town Musicians ladder, the problem was solved within seconds.

Unfortunately, everybody turn back into a human in the same place he or she had just stood - so when the machine was turned off, the poor donkey - now back to a marine - standing at the lowest level broke his leg when three grown man collapsed on him.

The Asian chef, who had been turned into a carp while sitting on the toilet, was now stuck in a very uncomfortable position; Zelenka crushed his favorite Laptop turnin back, and had to use cushion to sit for weeks to come. Ronon would need to visit both Carson and Heightmeyer after this episode quite afraid of heights and birds.

* * *

Life returned back to normal.

John would find dog tags and lashes in his locker now and then, and even chose to wear them once in a while, receiving interest all over the base.

Well, Rodney couldn't use his mocking presents this well, for pink ribbons wouldn't get him any girls, except for his niece, but even she would have like to have a Maltese Rodney better; Radek even went as far to get a real hamster for his the playpens placed on his desk.

After all, the only one not taking this easy was Cadwell. The guy would refuse to bring to bring any turkey over on the Daedalus ever again...

And he didn't think getting load of Thanksgiving invitations was funny….


	11. Captain Cool

* * *

**What if …**

**Sheppard got superpowers?**

* * *

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAA!!"

Amazed – and just a bit annoyed – Elizabeth Weir watched her former CO fly by, doing a ridiculous superman parody. Well, she couldn't blame him, at least not official. She would have been none the better if the ancients gave her such powers. And to not forget, he had saved the day already twice by now.

Early in the morning he had beaten up this ugly sea monster trying to invade the city, and just after lunch he had destroyed two hive ships.

_Did you see that? Did you?_

"John, what did we say about telepathic abilities?"

"Sorry Dr Weir. Won't happen 'gain."

Sighing, she stepped back into the gate room, watching the arrival of her top team. Well, McKay had bit of trouble adapting to Lorne, but after a while they got used to each other. Teyla and Ronon had also protested to leave Sheppard behind, but after a very disastrous, very painful mission they finally got the point. Super-Sheppard was good for fighting monsters and shooing Wraith and evil guys off – but he was unfit to lead a team of mere mortals any longer.

* * *

"Sheppard, don't touch it!"

The dark haired man just grabbed the device and started working on it, not bothering the scientist comments.

"But it's obvious you are not able to understand the complex. Let me fix it, before you destroy it. It's really quite useful – at least to ordinary beings..."

McKay was furious, and if he could have pushed the man out of his lab, he would have done so. But you try get rid of a super hero with unlimited powers! And he still had the strongest ancient gene, so you could not even close the door and hope to shut him out. Megalomanie supermanus extremus… Muscles of steel and titanium skin had done no good to his ego...

And not even bother asking about flight ability, ice and fire look, weather control, electric super shockers, omniscient knowledge – he would answer the question before you thought of it, annoying as hell – and worst of all, a super hero name. Captain Cool, and nobody could stop him. Frustrated, Rodney left his lab, heading for the mess. He needed to find some dumb people and yell at them, feeling a bit superior again.

* * *

"Hey Teyla!"

"Hello John."

The Athosian woman put her try down and sat next to Sheppard. He was wearing his red and blue costume again, but at least had left the black cap and sun glasses in his quarters.

"How you're doing?"

He was not eating, nor drinking, just visiting the mess for some conversation. Sunlight and air humidity were enough nourishment.

"Fine. I just finished training with Rodney, he is a an eager and quick learner."

"McKay is training? Woha, who his forcing him to do so? I'm impressed."

Teyla frowned, and Sheppard knew he had crossed the point. Due to his recent save-the-world missions and his new hobbies (_meteor billiard and super nova basket ball_) he had lost a bit track of his old team.

"Sorry. How about some training this evening? It has been quite a while. Or, why don't we just watch some movies? How's 'bout that?"

He had promised not to read the thoughts of lower beings, but it was so hard not to if they were so… distant. Sheppard had seen the memory of their last training flash across Teyla's memory, and immediately reacted. He could not afford to lose her too, she was his friend, wasn't she? Despite his superpowers, he still felt vulnerable when it came to his friends.

* * *

It should have been a perfect evening – what had gone wrong? And why couldn't he, he with all his superpower stop this from happening, why was he despite his superiority the cause of this? No matter how Teyla and Beckett tried to comfort him, he couldn't stop blaming himself.

Some new allies had dropped in, celebrating their victory on the wraith. John – Captain Cool – had been praised and honored by everybody, and maybe his ego got the better of him.

He had thought this would be so romantic… An alien princess had taken a great liking of him, and reading her thoughts, he had asked for a dance. After a few rounds, he slowly started to float a bit, taking her with him, floating higher and higher, just like superman would have done, the lady in his firm arms, so pretty, moonlight and stars…

And then he found out she was afraid of heights. She panicked, her bodyguards started fire on him, noticing it was futile, fired on his friends, he dropped the princess, tried to shield them from the bullets, the marines shooting right back, hell broke loose…Ronon had been hit, as well as Weir and several others, Sheppard froze the aliens, Beckett arrived, the aliens warship prepared to fire, and he raced off to stop it, literally tearing it apart, satisfied watching it explode, pieces falling towards Atlantis, some hitting the unprotected city, and more people were dying, and Captain Cool only made things worse, as he tried to reanimate Rodney – his friend had been hit by an ricochet, the bullet bouncing off John's steel skin, but not soft human skin of Mckay.

Sheppard panicked, forgot about his powers, pushed down hard and broke five rips, almost killing his friend for real... John still heard the sickening sound of bones breaking.

* * *

If the ancients were surprised by his sudden appearance on their plane of existence, they didn't show it. In fact, they seemed to have been expecting him, and didn't ask any questions. They even offered altering his memory before sending him back, but he refused. He wanted to know what he had done, and he wanted the others to know. This was the very least he could do.

"You owe me three planets and one comet."

"Hey, it's not like I ever said he would keep his powers!"

"You did."

"I didn't!"

"You did!"

Cursing, the ancient handed over the stake. Next time she would win, and she knew who would be her token. What was the name of that funny mad scientist again…


	12. You, me & Them

* * *

**What if...**

**One Zelenka was not enough?**

* * *

"Hey, Dr Z would you come over here!"

"I think I've found something!"

"You think he'll listen? _Hey_, Idiot!!"

The small man turned around, and most of the science staff barely stifled a laughter, none of them feeling bad the least. He could hear their whispers, and if he hadn't been the one in charge of these idiots, he would have asked for ticket back to earth.

"See, told you, his real name isn't Zelenka or Radek. He only listens to idiot."

"Pst, he's looking..."

"So what?"

"Go back to project one seven, I'll be back shortly."

Furiously, the Czech stormed out of the crowded lab, ignoring the roaring laughter he left behind.

How the hell did Rodney cope with all off them? His staff didn't accept him as their boss,; instead of being glad to have a head of science with more social skills than a average tea pot, they were acting rebellious!

While it had been hard to replace McKay during off-world missions, it was impossible to do his job for 24/7 since he had gone back to earth. Life was much like a roller coaster for Radek now. After a short general up right after Rodney had been fired, things took the most impressive way down one could imagine. _Straight down_.

Water pipes shut down, power surges rolled through unprotected systems, the ZPM was almost deplete and not only the Wraith but Sheppard were lurking behind his door in his dreams, both trying to get hi off-world. Radek was desperate.

Only McKay had been able to simultaneously tame the mad scientists, spot and stop the their more insane projects, run the city and go off world once a week at least. Zelenka was smart, not to say brilliant – placed in a safe lab watching and correcting the work of genius who tended to be a bit sloppy.

Criticism and supportive ideas were an entire different range than being a one man science and military team. One single Radek was not able to do the job of one Rodney McKay!

Wait. That was it! Zelenka shoved down empty mugs and papers, not caring if they broke or were soiled, and pulled out his laptop to check the ancient database.

* * *

"I would say that was an earthquake."

"Right, dimwit, the city is floating on water. So, unless some freaking tsunami will hit us, we'll never know if there's a earthquake on the mainland. I bet 50 bucks it was one of the scientist."

"Earthquake."

"Okay, but you'll pay buddy."

Carefully, they approached the main lab. Shouts and yells could be heard even outside on the hallway, and when nobody answered their calls, the marines opened the doors.

And closed them right again, calling for reinforcements via radio. Reinforcements with big guns, really big ones if possible.

* * *

"So, what do we have?"

Elizabeth Weir sat down in her pyjamas, freezing in the cold room, and looked on the various screens surrounding her. Sheppard was in his uniform, apparently counting.

"I have tracked 43 Zelenkas, 19 different types, such as Biker-Zelenka, Clown-Zelenka and Zelenka the sex bomb. But one of the Zelenkas is a ghost and keeps disappearing all the time, so maybe it's only 42 of them. And then there are the seven dead bodies..."

"50? But, how is that even impossible! You're sure it's him? Or, at least one of them is Zelenka?"

"I'm not speaking any Czech, but most of them claim to be Radek Zelenka. And look at them, I mean, most of them do look very much like the real one."

Atlantis had enough holding cells to give home to all the new head scientist, and Elizabeth found herself looking for their Radek among them. But there were so many of him!

"Well, at least he's has called only alternative version of himself, and not alternative Rodneys."

"Wow, that would have been really bad, having fifty McKays running round."

"Still, how do we find out who is our Zelenka?"

Silence fell in the small supervision room.

"We will have to interrogate them. Each one of them."

"Oh ... I'm out to get some coffee. Breakfast anybody?"

"No, thanks. But if you don't mind I'll dress meanwhile. It's gonna be a long night. For all -uh - 47 of us."

* * *

_Seven hours later, dawn_

"As far as I can tell, two of mine are for sure not our Zelenka. Or well, if they are, we won't keep them anyway. Four off them are married and have kids, so this leaves three to further testing. What about yours John?"

Sheppard sighed, and put down the ice pack. His eye was swelling shut at an alarming rate, and he felt as if he had broken some rips. Why did he get the Hannibal Lector Zelenka?

"Okay, two speak no English at all, one tried to kill me, three fainted - so even if one of them was ours, we should kick him out - and four require more testing, even though were waisting time. Oh, and one died when sunlight hit him and was reduced to dust. Crazy guy."

"Carson?"

"Well lass, I can't say for sure he wasn't among them. But I doubt one of mine is our Radek. One was insane, three were in drug withdrawal or are currently on drugs, one was a transvestite and the rest of them were more or less female."

"More or less? Please don't tell me… Kate?"

The blonde was the only one who had enjoyed the precious hours. Well, playing mind games was her job after all.

"Oh, two of them had a troublesome, abusive childhood, which does mark them as foreign Zelenkas. Three have homo-erotic fantasies, while only two of them are actually in relationships, with Dr McKay and Dr Kavanagh. This leaves one of them for further testing. One is deeply religious and despises every aspect of technology. So, after all, this leaves only one subject which might be Radek Zelenka, but he has doubts being himself. He calls himself Lenon."

"Thank you all for your hard work. Mind handing me another coffee John?"

John grimaced when his abused rips protested.

"Any word from the scientists yet about the possibility of reversing the process?"

"No, But even if they found a device capable of bridging the universes – the ZPM seems to be depleted. We don't have the energy to send them back."

"Oh... Can we keep at least them arrested?"

"Maybe we should sort out the more sane Zelenkas and let them work on a solution?"

Elizabeth sighed, and took another sip coffee. Being in charge of his expedition was so exhausting at times. And often it meant undoing ones earlier decision.

"As much as I hate to do – but we have to ask _him_ for help. There's no way we can fix this without professional help."

"I doubt he'll come, we pretty much kicked his arse out for good..."

"I know, but what options do we have? Let the problem solve itself?"

"In nitric acid? Might work."

* * *

_Meanwhile, some far, far away universe …_

"So, what do we have?"

"So far I have counted 43 Rodneys, 19 different types."

"Great, and how do we find one like ours?"

Replicator-Elizabeth sighed and shook her head. Itarus-John and Frankenstein-Beckett stared at the display, fascinated by the various McKay forms. Since Rodney had gone to save their world from the Arctarus project and hadn't made it back alive, Atlantis hadn't been the same for all of them…

"I think we should keep all the McKays. Just in case we lose one again."

"Right."

"Aye."

"One can't have enough Rodneys round."


	13. Wraith fodder

* * *

**What if…**

**Michael tried to be vegetarian?**

* * *

"Bah. How disgusting!"

So cucumber was no option either. Michael released the smashed vegetable and sat down on a tree trunk. There were still a lot of fruits and other stuff left to try, but somehow things didn't work out as planned. He was the lone survivor of the humans swipe of the planet, and the only thing he had in spades was time to think. Think about what had happened, what he had done, and mainly, who he was. He was a human Wraith, or a wraith-like man, or something even weirder...

The Earthians had left the food they brought behind, and the Doc had brought some supplies of fresh fruits and vegetables for them with him. For a_ healthy nutrition._ Ha, a Wraith didn't need some green stuff to power up, all he needed was some low-fat humans.

Point was, there was nothing left to fed on, for this planet wasn't even inhabitated by any mammals bigger than a rat. If he had been a normal Wraith, he would have died long ago, but with a system was hovering between both races, instead of dropping death after a few days, he was starving slowly and tried to eat everything he could find. Even vegetables.

"Hm, smells nice. Wonder what it tastes like."

He made a fist and tried to suck in the dripping juice like he would do with life essence. Bad idea. The garlic burnt like hell in his veins, and except for some vitamins and minerals, it didn't offer any vital nutrition.

"Damn you! Blasted green and not green leafed stuff!"

If he only could remember how humans did prepare and eat their food. It had something to do with taking it into their mouth, but from that point things got a bit fuzzy. He had eaten on Atlantis, hadn't he? But what step was he missing?

Carefully he took a carrot, and steeled himself. He was going to do this, he wasn't going to starve, not with all this 'f_ood_' lying round free. Michael tasted dirt as his teeth grazed over the orange vegetable. After a while, he had his mouth full with mash, but what now? Should he wait until it dissolved? But breathing would get a bit problematic if he stayed like this for long…

Mother nature showed mercy on her lost son. Startled by the sound of a bird emerging from a bush, the former Wraith swallowed, choking a bit but eventually managing to get the food down his esophagus. Memories flashed, and suddenly the hybrid knew just what to do.

He grabbed a big cauliflower, and bite down hard. He was going to live!!

* * *

"You need to eat more vegetables and fruits Rodney. You're living way to unhealthy, too much sugar and too little vitamins!"

"So what? A powerbar has more vitamins than any off this weird green, purple or blue stuff over there, so please spare me. And god only knows what strange genetic transmutations might be lurking inside that things. So better be safe then sorry."

Sighing, Beckett took another spoonful of his broccoli- lasagna. He really just couldn't understand how some people could be so picky on vegetables.


	14. The Death and the Doc

* * *

**What if ...**

**... Death visited Carson?**

* * *

NICE INTERIOR DESIGN

"Would you mind knocking next time? Or do you want to scare me to dead, Death?"

I'M SORRY

Sighing, Beckett set down his mug.

"Never mind. Would you like a cup tea? You look a bit peaky, not enough sleep I guess?"

LOOK THE ONES WHO'S TALKING

The skeleton man sat down on the only free chair in the crowded office, and watch the doc brew some more tea.

"Sugar?"

NO, IT'S BAD FOR MY HEALTH

"Really?"

Carson hadn't meant to sound sarcastic at all, but the Death himself worrying about health issues was a bit out of place. But well, a friendship between Death and Doctor was also out of place, but he didn't mind it at all.

"So, how are you? You did pass me by a few times, but never stayed for dinner. I was quite worried, you didn't look yourself last time I saw you. Are you sick?"

I HAD AN ARGUMENT WITH MY WIFE. SHE IS UPSET WITH MY IRREGULAR WORKING TIMES. BUT IT CAN'T BE HELPED. HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS IN RELATIONSHIPS? YOU'RE NOT OFF ANY BETTER I GUESS, CONSTANTLY FIGHTING ME

"Ah, no, I'm quite fine. Currently I'm single, and so I don't have to worry about coming home late or not at all. Besides, I almost live in the infirmary, so I don't have to travel as much as you do. But you really should take your time for your family, they are the most important thing in life. And death as well."

I KNOW. BUT PEOPLE CHOOSE TO DIE AT THE FUNNIEST TIMES AND PLACES, ONCE I HAD TO GET A MAN WHO HAD TRIED TO SHOOT HIMSELF BECAUSE HE THOUGHT A AMBULANCE COULD GET HIM QUICKER TO THE AITPORT THAN A TAXI. IN THE END HE DIDN'T CATCH HIS PLANE. BUT HE STILL GOT TO HEAVEN HRHR. YOU THINK THERE'LL BE ANY DEATH SOON HERE?

"Ah, don't hope so. As much as I enjoy your presence, I really would like to keep my friends close. There's no change of a sudden epidemic among the Wraith?"

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO KILL THEM BY YOURSELF BEFORE I COME TO GET THEM. DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I CAN SEND THEM OVER, ALMOST FORGOT THEY WERE MORTAL

"Well, tell me, these bugger are really nasty. But tell me, you changed your cowl color?"

BLACK IS TO COMMON, PEOPLE TEND TO MISTAKE ME FOR SOMEBODY ELSE. BESIDES, PINK IS SUCH A NICE COLOR, AND IS FITTING PERFECTLY TO MY BONES

"Ah, I see… More tea?"

NO, THANK YOU, I HAVE TO GET GOING. I HAVE A THIGHT SHEDULE, DON'T WANT PEOPLE GET ALL CHOCKED UP FOR NOT DYING PROPERLY HRHR

"It was nice to see you again, hope you don't mind if I still try to keep your clients alive when you come to get them? It's nothing personal."

NEVERMIND, IT'S OUR PROFESSION AFTER ALL. GOOD LUCK, YOU WILL NEED IT.

"Have a good time, old friend. And greetings to your wife and kids."

THANK YOU

After a long and exhausting day, all Death wanted to do was relax and maybe take a shower in some hot quick sand to polish his bones.

But first, Death made a short visit to the life clock room. In the darkness golden sand was slowly running down in billions of clocks, but he didn't have to look around to find the one he was looking.

Satisfied with the amount of time left, he carefully place it back on the shelf. Humming softly, he left the room as ghostlike as he had entered it. The sand kept on running towards the end, but there was no reason to visit a certain Scottish Doc unless for another cup of tea and some smalltalk.


	15. Novel cuisine la Atlantis

* * *

**What if …**

**…Weir tried to bake cookies?**

* * *

"_Oh._"

It was not even a word, barely a sound, and yet it summed up so many expressions in one syllable. Her former friends and lovers had been quick to learn Weirish, a very valuable knowledge.

_Oh_ with a short "_o_" could mean '_Thank you'_, '_I'm too shock to kill you but given some time'_ or just '_I understand. We're screwed for real_'

_Oh _with two "_O_" meant Joy, Gratefulness or sarcastic sweetness. Any _Oh_ with more than two "_O_" ranged from _very _bad news to _very_ good news.

And then there was the very special "_Oh_", with three and a half "O", usually accompanied by a very loud "Oh No!". And it was reserved for really special occasion. Namely cooking or rather reduction of edible nourishment to "_delicacy_".

"_Oh. No_!"

The chef had left the kitchen long ago, he would have lost his whole respect for the head of this expedition watching her any longer. Two weeks left till Christmas, and everybody was already either blissful-nostalgic or anti-Christmas-depressive. To cheer her senior staff up, Elizabeth had thought off some special surprise – Christmas cookies! Late at night, she had sneak in the kitchen and asked the chef for some supplies and the allowance to use his stove.

She was so excited, it had been ages since she last bake something!

A few hours and tries later, her memories came back why she hadn't baken anything for so long time. She surveyed the cookies she had produced so far. Uhm, the black lumps over there were chocolate cookies, or at least should be.

Maybe she could scrape of the ashes and decor them with colored sugar. Then there was the glow-in-the-dark-white glibber stuff - coconut brownies. Maybe if she placed them in the freezer they would become solid? And what were these small brown marbles? Ah, right, peanut butter cups…

Well, they had been so perfect, she had done everything right – but she had pressed the mini muffin form in to hard, and so the cookies collapsed while baking, engulfing the paper. Maybe if she cut them in half and dipped them in chocolate…

The frisbee like cookies with the funny coloring were her try for Date Swirls Cookies. Huuuuge cookies.

Well, and last but not least, her favorite. Russian tea cakes. Yes, Russian… Well, nothing some icing wouldn't cure. All in all, not so bad, wasn't it? Now all she had to do was clean up, put the cookies in small bags and place them in the private quarters. Oh, she did feel so happy! They would be so surprised!

* * *

Oh, surprised they were…

_Dear Santa, thank you for the new weapons. Very useful. _Yours Ronon

_Dear Santa, next time you want me to go to the dentist, just leave a toothbrush, okay?_ Sheppard

_Dear goddess of giving, I'm very sorry for not being a good girl, I will behave better this year._ Still very Grateful, Teyla

_Haha, very funny John!_ Rodney

_Thanks for wonderful cookies, reminded me of my grandmother._ Zelenka

_Dear father Christmas, I promise I won't use placebo's again, but only if you won't either._ Yours Carson.


	16. 75 Days

* * *

**What if...**

… **Sheppard and McKay were caught in a time loop?**

* * *

"So… does it work?"

"Well, obviously it doesn't, or why do you think I am trying to fix it?"

The machine looked as if it had been broken on purpose and would never be running again, but Sheppard knew talking McKay out off this was as much fun as running against a brick wall. He was the king of wishful thinking after all.

"I'll be outside, see what Teyla's doing. Those villagers seemed to be a bit too cheerful to me."

"Yeah. Go. Leave already."

After make sure for the last time the worst faith his geek might suffer in his absence was the lack of real process, Sheppard turned to step out of the pompous temple.

Once it might have been a very simple ancient hide out, but the natives had made a temple out of it, and honored the high ones by adding some decoration of their own. Well, no one could blame them for being stuck in baroque age. Still creepy interior design.

"Hey Teyla, so, what's new?"

The tanned woman sighed and shook her head, a movement which sending pink ribbons flying.

"Oh, they are very happy to host us, but I'm afraid I they will not will trade or allow us to take anything from their temple – not even if we tell them the ancients send us."

"Teyla, I'm shocked - You would lie to them?"

She shot him an impossible dark look while trying to untangle her braided hair.

"I would tell them _anything _just to get away from here."

John was impressed; if those guys had managed to piss off Teyla, they really had to be something.

"Well, McKay won't be happy on that one. Maybe, you find Ronon and say goodbye to the natives, while I grab the of-so-soon-to-be ranting one?"

He could see the short battle on her face - happy mob or an angered McKay.

"We'll meet at the gate."

* * *

"Hey, McKay!"

John had no hard time spotting the cursing man between smiling puttos.

"Collect your stuff, we leave in five minutes. This is an order."

"Oh common, I know you can't command _me_, and besides, all a need are just a few more minutes… Ah, yes, and here we go! Come to daddy, that's my good girl..."

McKay was literally purring at the device.

"You have one minute to get out of there. Now."

A fascinated McKay usually meant trouble, and Sheppard was in no mood to fix anything but his broken guitar today.

"Will you stop tapping your feet, I'm handling some very complicated ancient artefact here and you make me nervous!"

"What the hell is it anyway? It looks like a mini fridge to me. Sure it's nothing dangerous?"

"Do I look like I want to die? Of course it's not."

"If you say so ... Let's go. Pack it up, we're leave."

"What about the negotiations? And we can't just leave, look I'm almost done!"

Feeling a very nasty migraine form, Sheppard found himself questioning Weir's rules for military leaders. Was shooting an unarmed civilian a crime for real? Even if it was McKay?

As the all to familiar click of doom sounded, both men jumped for cover, hiding behind a fat 'ancient' statue. But nothing happened, only the mini fridge was humming softly now. Sheppard swore under his breath and grabbed McKay's arm.

"Okay, that's it, we're done here."

"Uhn, Okay."

* * *

John Sheppard hated a lot of things, but two in particular – enemies he couldn't kill with one clean shot and catastrophe banging on his door while he were in shower.

"Cut it out McKay! Whatever it is, it can wait until I'm clean!"

"No, I think we're facing a real problem right-"

Something bright flashed, temporally blinding him.

"-Now."

John found himself standing behind a very ugly putto, naked to the bone, covered by shower gel only. McKay was kneeling just a one feet away behind another putto, rubbing his eyes.

Wait a second – puttos? Pink ceilings, baby blue doors? What the fuck was he just doing here? (And why did he get the urge to blame McKay before even asking?)

"Rodney... What. Just. Happened."

McKay knew a pissed of man when he saw one, and tried to hide behind a statue.

"Uhn, that was what I tried to tell you. It's this artefact, it's fascinating you know - it was designed to keep ancients in some sort of time loop to protect them, at least for a while, and I think we just activated it-"

"**We.**"

"Uhm, right, that'd be me, but this is no problem, I think it's just a matter of time-"

"Ha ha, very funny pun. Hand me over your jacket, it's getting cold in here for I am not wearing any clothes goddamn it!"

McKay didn't look where threw his jacket.

"Apparently we can travel through the gate back to Atlantis, but after two hours we will return here... That's incredible..."

"Incredible stupid...Great, we're in trouble deep..?"

The soap was beginning to itch and McKay's jacket didn't quite make up for a pair of trousers or a decent clothing to begin with. The damn fridge was still standing there, humming and changing colors now and then.

"Switch it off."

"Uhn… Well... I'm afraid... that won't be possible."

The flower pots were losing their leaves under John's burning stare.

"_**What**_?"

McKay wished he could turn into a small putto, just like the one he was hiding behind.

"Look, this works like a fridge, a time fridge actually. It's compressing time and somewhat folds reality, but without in it. It's not like we returned to this place, it's more the whole universe has been put back in our place!! This machine is freezing the movement of time by simply returning all matter to the point of exit. Fascinating. And I haven't even found the energy source..."

"Okay Scotty, how long will the effect of this last?"

McKay swore he saw the happy baby cupid statue behind John wince. His voice dripping with hate.

"Uhn… I don't know?"

Wrong answer, definitely wrong answer.

"So... What do _you_ think we should do?"

"Strip. I will definitely not be the one going back naked through the gate."

* * *

Rodney telling him the device would eventually run out of power didn't help.  
Neither did the story about how the SC-1 had also been dealing with a time-loop artefact once.

But playing golf through a stargate did.

"Nice shot. But maybe we really should untie Teyla and Ronon and all the others and go back to Atlantis."

Sheppard raised any eyebrow, took his aim and send another white ball through the gate.

"It's already 1 hours and 55 minutes McKay, why ruin a perfect game?"

"This might be our last turn, you know? Maybe we won't be set back, and I doubt they will be very understanding if we say it was the fault of a time loop…"

Rodney glanced round nervously, as if any villager might loosen his or her ties and try to attack them. It was very unlikely, but after ten wrong turns he had learned to be very cautious.

"McKay, you always think this is going to be our last turn. Why not loosen up a bit and have some fun? It's not like they will remember any of this. Your turn."

Sighing, the scientist played a few balls, before a familiar white flash placed them back behind ugly puttos.

* * *

"Hey, you might have told me he's quite a good kisser Rodney! What a waste."

Beckett was still standing a few hallway farther away, unable to move and shocked to the bone. Dr Weir wasn't off any better, just like several other women and men on Atlantis.

"You're a very, very sick man John. Let's just hope we're still stuck."

But despite his worry, Mckay was grinning like mad and once or twice touched his lips. This kissing marathon had been fun – though they both had forgotten to keep track.

"I wouldn't mind staying here to be honest. It would be fun to deal with the outcome – just imagine..."

"You're so seeing Heightmeyes once this is over."

"At least _I_ didn't kiss her!"

"You kissed _Ronon_!"

John's grin was beginning to endanger his ears.

"You think I don't know you did too?"

White light flashed.

* * *

"... and then we could re-route the power and with the help of one more naquada generator the whole city would not only be powered but we could also fly!"

The science staff starred at him like he was not Rodney McKay but something even more evil (like that was possible). Sighing, their chief packed his folders and laptop and left the lab. It was no use to talk to these idiots, since 50 turns he tried to tell them what he had found out while researching the ancient database for 261 turns. But they did not believe him, and before he could even explain how the enhancement worked, he found himself back in the damn temple.

Maybe he should join Sheppard in watching literally endless Star Trek reruns.

* * *

After their 829th return facing the butt of a happy putto, the two men had taken measures in their own hands. Once more they returned to Atlantis, heading back to B8X-PE-81 a few minutes later. The atlantean engineers were a bit surprised finding their sledge hammers and various other tools gone, but not as surprised as the villagers by the arrival of the two men demolition commando.

Muttering something about alien disease and immediate death, they started wrecking the inside temple decor.

After two hours, McKay satisfied broke the last putto and watched the chaos through the setting dust. Sheppard was sitting on a huge marble block.

"Feeling better?"

"Quite. You?"

"I wouldn't mind if this would remain."

"Me neither."

Sighing, they closed their eyes as the fridge started to hum again.

* * *

Weir was very surprised to not only have John Sheppard, but also Rodney McKay refuse the offer of additional vacation days due to their position. In fact, they even asked her to reduce their free days, maybe cut them out completely. Since their short trip to B8X-PE-81, the two of them were acting very strange…

Maybe they really need a long, long time off. They should have have some fun and do a few things they always wanted to, but never found the time to do so.


	17. Hit me Baby

Betaed by Phineabean

* * *

**What if ...**

**Teyla was a fan of Britney Spears?**

* * *

"… n_ot_ th_a_t inn_o_cent!"

Sheppard hadn't knocked, planning on surprising Teyla; but now he was the one to stand in the hall way, his mouth hanging open, not quite believing his eyes.

"Teyla? Is this … you?"

The room was decorated with pink and white sheets and glittery things; her usual plain wood fighting sticks looked now an awful lot like those cheerleader batons colored baby-blue and rose. But the real thing was Teyla herself.

Instead of her usual leather and linen clothes she wore blue jeans, a horrible pink top and high heels. Her hair was done in a pony tail, lips flashing red, eye shades blue and golden, painted fingernails and fashion jewelry all over, blinking like a Christmas tree.

The CD-Player was on repeat, and soon the shrill voice was blasting the room again. Finally John got to move and shut the damn thing off.

"You like it?"

Teyla still had her serene, beautiful smile, but it couldn't make up for the rest.

"What … the hell… is this??"

"You don't know her?"

Huge brown eyes with artificial eyelashes blinked at him, confused.

"I thought she was very well known?"

"Okay, yes, so you listen to Britney Spears and dress up like a drag queen? But – why?"

John was worried; usually the Athosian would be the sane one his team, now even she had snapped?

"I thought I could learn at lot from her."

"Like what? Singing and dancing? Oh please, what the hell's going on? You want Singstar for Christmas, just say so and you'll get it."

"Singstar?"

"Never mind… But please… don't do this, I mean, I appreciate your efforts to learn about our culture and you're a very good dancer and singer-"

"Singer and dancer? What are you talking about?"

Teyla was frowning, her ribbons and jewelry rattling softly. Suddenly enlightenment struck John.

"Who was it that told you about Britney Spears?"

"Dr McKay informed me about her."

"Rodney? You kidding? What did he say about her?"

"He was talking of her like a … warrior. He said her movements could break a man's spine if she was too close and her voice could deafen humans. He said she was an Idol on earth?"

When John didn't reply, her eyes narrowed.

"He did not fool me? Did he?"

"Oh no, no – I mean, well, I think you misunderstood something, even though he was quite right. Let me explain to you something about Earth's popular culture…"

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the common room_

Ronon had just learned how to use what the earthlings called the 'Remote control'. He was watching some very short, very strange small movies. One did catch his attention though. Men were fighting and suddenly one showed up and they all followed them.

He did cool movements, and Ronon was impressed by his swift style, just like the man who followed him. He had to ask Sheppard what the name of this warrior was; he reminded him of the one they named Ford. Humming softly, he went to the gym. Maybe he could also learn this amazing style and make a leader out of himself one day.


	18. Intel Inside

Betaed by Phinabean

* * *

**What if...**

**T****he shield didn´t deactivate?**

* * *

Elizabeth had been wrong. Sure, he ancients usually were quite fond of fail-safes, but apparently not on this one. Maybe they had misinterpreted the nature of the device; in the end it looked more like a weapon than a shield. A weapon meant to kill the enemy in the most excruciating way – dehydration.

After his first fit of panic, Rodney had calmed down and worked together quite nicely with Zelenka to find a solution for the shield problem. Carson had him on constant check-up, and everybody was sure their arrogant head scientist would find a way around the problem. Time passed by, but nothing seemed to work. The harder they tried, the more the damn thing would power up. Bullets, electric shocks, radiation, and others' ATA genes - nothing worked. There was no single force on Atlantis able to turn the damn artifact off.

"Rodney, common lad, just´ rest for a wee bit, will ya? ´Morrow will be better."

"It doesn't …. Matter anymore… ca´ stay … up…"

He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts from the thickening mist and focus on his surroundings. The man next to him was nothing but a blur of bright colors in a dark room. Exasperated, he finally closed his eyes and pulled up the blanket to cover his cold body.

Carson would have given everything to be able to lay a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder, but the force field would burn him severely if he tried. It had been 36 hours since the damn shield turned on, and one and a half since Rodney collapsed in his lab.

Zelenka had paged him when McKay showed first signs of unsteadiness and once Beckett arrived he had to fight a very desperate, yet very stubborn man who managed to stay conscious for a five minute long argument before hitting the ground. Even though Beckett knew there was nothing left that he could do, he had him brought down to the infirmary, touching the damn force field now and then to check if it was still there.

Beckett tried to raise the humidity in the small isolation cell he had transferred Rodney to, hoping to get at least a bit of water back into his system. If the shield allowed him to breathe, it should be possible to aid him via air, shouldn't it? But the ancients had not been unprofessional or uncreative on this one, oh no.

The shield would raise the temperature within, adding heat shock to the possible death scenarios. Lowering the room temperature did little good on the patient, if not even speeding the process up. Carson felt so unbelievably helpless, he could not even test if his assumptions were correct; the man on the sick bed was so close and yet so far from his reach. Only his eyes and the changes in Rodney's face palor gave away the stage of death. Watching a patient die like this… His nurses were understanding enough not to call on him when he closed himself away in his office for half an hour, giving in to despair.

* * *

After 40 hours, he stopped pleading for water. His throat was too dry to speak; his mind no longer able to grasp the words. 24 hours and three minutes, his hypoglycemia would send him into convulsions and ironically the damn field was the one thing preventing him from cracking his skull open on the floor. 41 hours and fifty minutes, Carson once more burned his fingers when trying to force his way through the shield.

* * *

42 hours and Rodney McKay was beyond all rescue, even if the artifact decided to run out of power just now. The damage done was too much to be undone, even with their ancient super medical supplies. Weir visited her former head of science one last time, but left the infirmary after a quick glance. There was nothing left to do, except to write a formal letter to a person left on a planet they might never see again.

* * *

Sheppard showed up only before the very end It was not like he didn't care for the person assigned to his team… But he had seen his father die from cancer, had sat by his side listening to his awful cries and sobs every night until he finally passed away painfully. John could not witness this kind of dying again; he stayed away from McKay, even if his heart fought a hard battle on this one.

When Beckett came back from a short trip to the mess – quite useless, it was not like he could will himself to eat or drink anything, knowing his friend was dying from lack of nutrition – he was surprised to find Major Sheppard sitting on the bed, his hand firmly grasping McKay's. For a short second his hopes did rise, but when Rodney's chest didn't, reality set back in.

"He's … dead?"

Sheppard didn't turn around, eyes fixed on the eerie still face on the pillow.

"You're the doc, Doc."

Neither man said one word, both lost in thought and grief.

The burial was clean and short, just as Rodney had wished for. His body was decayed in the beautiful outburst of the stargate. Late at night, a lonesome figure would walk along the quary wall, stopping now and then and look down. Eventually, the man pulled out a lemon and sent it flying towards the surrounding waters as hard as he could. Gently rocking on the waves, the yellow earth fruit would float to unknown shores.


	19. Kitty Katty

* * *

**What if ...  
**

**Heightmeyer was an evil psycho?**

* * *

"So…you don't think you're guilty?"

His emotions mirrored one to one on his honest face, and Kate couldn't help but feel bored. Hell, she had more reserved seven-year olds on her couch so far!

"No… but sometimes, I dream of Perna…"

God, he wouldn't start crying, would he? Oh… he did. It was no fun at all if they lost it that fast...

"So, is she mad at you? Does she think you killed her? You did like her a lot, didn't you?"

A few wet handkerchiefs later, her patient left, still sobbing and Katie felt even more frustrated. She had thought a job in the remotest corner of the universe, treating people who lived with the constant threat of gruesome aliens and horrible dangers would be more interesting than listening to middle-aged woman with obese dogs.

She couldn't blame it on the aliens though. Apparently the few people who actually showed up regular out of their free will had degrees - like D fo_r dull_ or P for _pathetic_. She would have to talk Weir into enforcing a law which send everybody on the city down to her once a month, or the aliens would be the last problem on her list.

* * *

"So… you like him?"

"Oh, no, I don't. I mean, only as a friend, you know, nothing more."

"Well, he's a very good friend to everybody, indeed. Teyla says he's a great leader and if she had not happened to be his subordinate she would be glad to bear his children."

Kate gave herself a nine out of ten for the shocked look on Elizabeth's face.

"She said? Well, that's … adorable… yes. Very… nice."

"How would you describe his figure? I want you to look at these pictures and tell me which of them might be Lt. Colonel Sheppard."

Five cards were laid out, each showing a very muscular midsection of a very well built man. Weir's eyes were the size of sausages. Well, Kate did know quite well how to get her way. First, she had to wound her prey... Smiling sweet and serene, Katie prepared for the next strike.

"So, Dr Weir. When was the last time you had sex?"

* * *

"So… why do you think Arcturus didn't work out back then?"

Good old Rodney McKay, just as easy to manipulate as Beckett, but way more fun to tease. He would try to defend himself, or start ranting, or telling some bully story from his childhood. Very amusing, for his face would blush so bad one might mistake him for a walking radish.

"I don't know, but maybe it was-"

"Due to your mistake in judgment and arrogant behavior?"

Oh, her mentor would have been proud to see the fragile psyche of her patient shattered so perfectly with one single blow. His mouth was opening and closing without emitting any sound, making him look like a stranded salmon.

"Am I right?"

Rodney stormed out of her office, but sadly the door wouldn't be slammed shut like proper storming out scenario required. But Kate still gave herself a bonus point for that one.

* * *

"So… you think of him as a friend? A good friend?"

"He's annoying as hell, a pain in the ass and worse than ten little kids to look after... That's a yes, I guess."

Sheppard had come to his appointment only cause the air force had made mental check up standard. Nevertheless, Heightmeyer was glad to have him here.

"Maybe he's even more than a friend?"

"Like some brothers in arms stuff or what? Common, spare me Dr. Heightmeyer, we don't do this anymore since cold war times I guess. It's un-cool."

Laying her pencil aside ever so gracefully and lowering her head shortly before speaking, Kate's voice was unnervingly gentle.

"Have you ever considered liking men more than as just friends? I mean, you do care very much for Ronon and McKay, even beyond the responsibility of a team leader. Maybe you'd once in a while honestly think about your very own preferences. Dr Weir has great hopes you might finally come to terms with your homosexuality, just like she did."

Unfortunately he was saved an answer by his radio, and had to leave for an immediate emergency. Mission complete though, for she caught him staring at the marines ever so often afterwards...

* * *

"So… you think your wife died because you were too weak too save her?"

Ronon rarely unfolded his arms when speaking to others, and even more rarely was caught tapping his fingers nervously on his tights. Kate found her schizophrenia parts one and seven putting bets on the count of words needed to break the warrior.

"I understand if you don't want to talk about her. She must have been a wonderful woman."

Dr Heightmeyer fought the urge to hug the huge sasquatch when tears started to leak down his face. She felt a bit sorry for him... but her personality #6 told her to be proud of her work.

* * *

"The rate for suicide tries has risen from 0 to 22.9 Elizabeth; I'm worried we'll have to do something. If this keeps going on, sooner or later someone will die!"

"So what do you suggest?"

Dr Weir was still quite shocked by the sheer amount of people ending up with a knife on their wrists or trying to jump out of a window since last week.

"Maybe we should ask Kate to do a weekly mental check-up on everybody, to ensure nobody gets left behind?"

"Somehow I think that's not good idea Carson…. not at all."


	20. Good morning, Atlantis

_ Beta-ed by Phinabean_

* * *

**What if...**

**Galactic cockroaches invaded?**

"You really should clean up, god knows what might be lurking in that mess... IIIK!! What was that just? A rat? Oh my god, if that was rat… _a rat _in possibly most advanced city in the whole universe? And it's all your fault!"

Ronon huffed at him and grabbed his backpack, read to follow McKay to the gateroom. The Satedan was just not used to waking up to the buzz of an alarm clock and getting up at regular times.

Life had been so easy on when he was on the run. Sleep when there was no threat, wake up and kill when danger approached.

Funny though how he was wide awake the second McKay stepped into his room…

* * *

Sheppard was baffled to worry when he heard McKay shriek. _Shriek._ Like a little girl.  
Teyla was the one coming to the rescue, stomping on the bug quite ungracefully but effective.

"Thanks...Geez.. That - thing was … gross..."

McKay moved away from the smashed insect, eying it with utter disgust. Sheppard tried to stifle a laugh.

"McKay, you scream like a girl."

Ronon was the master of blunt statements, and Sheppard couldn't but help finally burst into laugh.

"I don't!"

"You do McKay, face it."

Even Teyla screamed in a more manly way… But Sheppard had to admit the bug was really big and nasty. No one could really blame McKay for shrieking like a girl when it had crawled across his hand. But everybody was free to_ tease_ him.

* * *

Knowing the cockroaches had come from Planet 9X-BP3 didn't help at all getting rid of them.

The common theory was that the insects had left their eggs in the equipment of SGA-1 (which had a paranoid McKay had spent hours showering and disinfecting himself) - but now thar they had been brought into the city, there was no way stopping them.

At first, people blamed the scientists, mainly the botanists, for the strange taste of the coffee.

That was until Heightmeyer displayed a typical arachniphobic reaction when throwing her cup against the wall, screaming hysterically. The insect was quite unimpressed. It continued to crawl across the mess floor and disappeared in the kitchen.

After a moment of shocked silence, the horror filtered through. Everyone started to spit out their coffee, some scientists racing off to the toilets, the sounds of curse and screams filling the mess hall. Nobody dared to drink coffee after this incident again.

Weir immediately stopped all gate missions and grounded every puddle jumper. Supplies would run out soon, but she hoped to get the problem under control before that happened. At least the bugs didn't literally feed on them.

* * *

_Meanwhile, dock 4_

"Shall we… shoot them?"

"Don't be ridiculous Peter, shoot at cockroaches? They are too small, and it would be a waste of bullets too."

"But Tim… quite a lot of cockroaches, don't ya think? I mean, we also had some really **big** ones, like that one summer Mom moved out and nobody put the garbage outside... But I have never seen so many of them, really, they are like an army."

"Sure, yes, an _army_… These are cockroaches, remember? Hey Peter, where ya going?"

"I'm not going to stay here and let these things eat me!! I'm out of here!!"

Puzzled, Tim looked after his friend, seeing him race down the halls. He was brave enough to wait until he was knee deep in insects before he started to run for his life, screaming on top his lungs.

* * *

_The conference room_

Carson unscrewed his water bottle, carefully checking the clear content for dead insects.

"So, these bugger are quite nasty you see. Don't take 600 days to grow full, only six… well, might be a wee bit of a problem. Their population is grow really fast-"

"Doc, tell us something we don't know! Just how the hell do we fight them?"

Lorne was nervous as hell, and McKay was on the edge of psychosis. Sheppard felt quite sorry for both of them. Lorne had been with him when the scientist had tried to fix a broken warm water pipe near the ZPM two days ago. Well, bugs loved humid, warm climates… their screams could be heard all over Atlantis, and maybe even on the mainland.

"That's the other problem. They are … immune. Against everything. Poison, fire, gene manipulation, radiation.. We tried everything. I'm so sorry lads..."

Sheppard tried to sound optimistic; they lived on the very best the ancients had to offer, and there sure had to be something like a naquada flypaper round?

"Common, there has to be a way. We have a ZPM, we have drones, we have the ancient database – there has to be something, right?"

All eyes focused on McKay, who ducked under their hopeful stares.

"Well, apparently not... Don't ask me, I have no clue how the ancients dealt with stuff like that! Maybe that's why they ascended? Galactic bugs were running them over, and we just mistook it was the Wraith!"

They sat in silence, listening to the scratching noise of millions of insects running through the city.

Weir finally admitted defeat.

"We will have to evacuate the city. I will inform the Stargate Command that we are heading home. Thank you all for your hard work."

* * *

In the end, they did not leave Atlantis behind.

First of all, there was no way out – the cockroaches had eaten some important wires and fried a few crystals, causing some major overloads. Second, there suddenly was no more reason to flee.

After nine days of endless horror, the cockroaches suddenly ended their invasion. Even though there still was plenty of food – plastic didn't stop them – they chose to leave the city alone. Stunned, the humans watched the insects suddenly gather on the docks, to fly into a crimson sunset, leaving Lantea to never come back.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the Ori galaxy…_

"Father, what are those creatures?"

"The Tau'ri call them _insects._ Creatures of very low intelligence and power."

"They look … disgusting…"

"Do not fear my son, the fire of the Ori will destroy them, let me show you…"

The child could swear the bugs had just grinned at him.


	21. A man to kill many & Bad hair day

* * *

**What if...**

**Ronon had a middle name?**

* * *

"Well, let's see what cards you got – Meredith."

Sheppard grinned broadly, his world already quite dimmed down by seven tequila.

"Stop. Calling. Me. That."

McKay was losing his cool so easy! Just mention his first name, and he would snap, throw a tantrum and wave his hands so vividly everybody was forced to see his cards.

"Oh, you'd better stop grinding your teeth, this is not good for your health – Meredith."

"Pah, Captain courageous... So, what's you're middle name, hu? I know you got one, but why is it never mentioned in any official file?"

Now the scientist was doing the grinning, still annoyingly sober (for he almost never drank, and even insisted the citrus was put on a extra table for safety). Damn. Teyla, Ronon and Zelenka were also watching their banter, already out off the game but curious who would will.

"Yes, I also know you do have one, why don't you tell it to us?!"

The little Czech was even worse off then Sheppard, or at least should be for drinking his vodka bottle all alone. His glasses had finally dropped to death, and now he was blinking at the bright colored dots his assumed were his friends.

"Uhn… well… sure... but only if you tell yours aswell."

Zelenka shrugged, refilled his glass – disappointed it was only half full – and emptied it with astonishing grace.

"It was forbidden to have second name in Czech republic. So I have none."

"For real?"

"Yes."

"Your's Teyla?"

McKay was smiling at Sheppard's growing discomfort. He would not get round this one!

"Why should I have a second name? Is it natural for earthians to have two names?"

"Well, Picasso had over 20!"

Sheppard nodded, hoping he would get out of this.

"It's sort of … tradition to have two names, you see? Ronon, you?"

He was almost desperate, knowing what lay ahead if of him for the rest of his life once McKay found out his middle name. He would not hack his files, geek honor and so, and John had gotten to careless… Damn! There was no way out!

Ronon had been lost in thought, the alcohol had not cheered him up but actually gotten him nostalgic and rather emotional. He spoke out with pride and surprising tenderness.

"My men are named after the bravery of their fathers. My father was a very strong, and very proud man. My mother named me Ronon, that means _the one that won't be beaten._ My father had fought the Wraith and the Krelta, showing extraordinary bravery. He was A_ man who killed many enemies_. So I got named Ronon Molly Dex."

The mess fell silent like a bombshell had been dropped...

* * *

Elizabeth sighed and rubbed her temples. She read the file our load once more.

"And so Dr Beckett had to take the whole senior staff expect for me and himself off duty for two weeks. According to his diagnose, everybody should recover nicely... What lead to this incident will need further investigation, but I assume alcohol abuse might have played along..."

* * *

**What if...**

**Sheppard got bald?**

* * *

It started out in mid summer. While New York was covered in snow, the expedition members went swimming on the Lantean shore.

The weather was hot and humid, the ocean rolled lazy round the ancient city, and everybody tried to cool down or at least dry up. Teyla spent whole days in meditation, Ronon discovered the benefits of ice cream, Rodney built some insane looking but functional portable fridge, and Sheppard spent most of his time in "testing" new puddle jumpers.

God bless air condition. A gentle cool breeze would ruffle his hair, and after few hours of uneventful flight he would return, grab a shower and some dinner and pity the marines on duties like 'carry the equipment of the scientist because they don't want because it's too hot' or 'patrol in the most exposed area of the suburbs because you lost some bet'.

When he stepped out of the shower this faithful day and toweled his hair, throwing it on the growing pile of laundry, already reaching for his omnipotent hair gel, he noticed the amount of hairs left on the white army towel. Dark hair – lots of dark hair – on white fluffy fabric, an almost pretty contrast. If it were not for is _hair_!!

"Hm.. John, I see no difference…"

Carson switched of the light and clapped his shoulder, laughing.

"It's normal to lose hair, actually you lose hundreds everyday without noticing. So, don't worry John, you're not going bald."

Not even Carson's soothing brogue could lessen the horrible sound of the word. BALD. Sheppard flinched visibly. Carson was an excellent medic, but one look at his head hair confirmed John's worst fear. If Beckett said there was no difference, it might be quite bad already.

* * *

Ronon was confused. His commander never was a match for him, but usually he tried at least. But today he seemed to be thinking about something else, his movements predictable and slow, his cover not existing. And he was wearing a very stupid, very colored bandanna, which annoyed Ronon even more.

"What is it Sheppard?"

"Hn?"

John barely managed to avoided the blow.

"Why don't you try to fight me for real?"

His kick was misplaced and to weak to even tickle the warrior.

"What do you think I'm doing? Baking cakes?"

"Something along this. You don't concentrate."

Dex sounded angry, for real this time. After two more hilarious attacks, he just shove the man hard towards the ground, satisfied with the loud bump.

"Next one."

Sheppard had not even left the training ground when a poor marine was literally dragged on it by the Satedan. Turning his back towards his team leader, he did not notice the jealous look set on his long, thick dread locks.

* * *

"ALRIGHT!! Which fucking bastard stole my coffee beans!!"

Everybody in the mess was suddenly busy staring down on his or her food, nobody daring to face the fuming scientist. It was common knowledge there were only two sacred things on the whole of Atlantis – the ZPMs and McKay's coffee. Both were vital to the survival of the mission.

Despite cold showers, electrocuting doors and disabled transporters, the coffee didn't show up. The science staff drop out rate was up to 60 when the Daedalus finally arrived with the holy coffee grail.

Sheppard did almost feel guilty when he saw all the young men and women leave on the ship, glad to get away from the head of science monster. But his hair already felt way more healthier - thanks to the his self made caffeine shampoo.

* * *

"You alright John?"

Teyla shot him a worried glance, for he had hit the rocks pretty badly falling three meters down, and he kept on touching his head all the time. But when she had tried to check on him and wanted to take off the funny cap he had come to wear recently, he yelled at her to leave him alone.

"Hm, where did you get that hat from anyway? I reminds me of something my cat used to bring in."

"Thanks McKay... Still ages better than you're latest fashion creation, fridge shoes. I didn't know the heath was affecting you're brain this badly."

"What? My brain being affected by the heath? I'm still so much superior to you…"

John was glad to have Rodney snatch the teams attention away from him. Watching the clouded sky, he could only hope they would not get into a storm. If he lost his cap now, he would have to kill himself. To return without his head was an better option then return with his head on but barren.

* * *

"Resignation papers? But John – Why?"

Elizabeth was shocked. Tears started welling in her eyes, and before she could stop them huge drops fell on the paper.

"Is it because of my leadership? I though we were getting along... Oh John, why didn't you say so sooner…"

John Sheppard cursed his luck. Why the hell did she have to start crying, it was not like this was easy on him.

"No, it's not your fault. You're a very good lboss Dr Weir, actually the best I ever had. Believe me, this is just a personal matter."

Her eyes went huge and John knew he had said something wrong.

"Oh. Oh. So ... Have you at least told him? I'm sure he would not turn you down, even if he could not return your feelings-"

"What?? What the hell you're talking about?"

Dr Weir, trained in international relations and able to stand up against politician in the world blushed, her cheeks turning a flaming red.

"Uh, never mind. But John, you can trust me. I'm your friend, and if anything has happened or is bothering you, I promise to do everything I my power to help you."

Her green eyes displayed a great, motherly warmth and Sheppard knew it was unfair to keep her out of this. She would think he left because of her.

He braced himself, swallowed his pride and took of his wig. When she fainted on the spot, he still first placed his wig back an then called for help. Oh how he had hoped she would take this lightly…

* * *

_Botanist section, two months ago  
_

"Suzie, don't you think we should stop this already?"

"Angela, don't tell me you have already forgiven him double dating us! He is a disdainful pig!"

"No, I mean I haven't, but – he looks really sick, and if anybody would find out what we're doing… It's just not right. And we don't know what the possible side effects of this plant might be-"

"It's harmless, believe me. His wallie won't work like he wants it to, that's all. Trust me. No side effects. "


	22. Baby blues eyes

* * *

**What if…**

**Zelenka was turned into a toddler?**

* * *

Very puzzled blue eyes looked up underneath a mop of thick brown hair, meeting the eyes pf a very shocked head of science.

Even if it had not been for his general dislike of children of all ages, the man would have been very upset to find his colleague reduced to a two year old.

"Zelenka? Is that you?"

_Please let it just be a de-aging of body, please, please, please…_

"Papa?"

He felt the very urge to slam his head against some pillar or at least run away screaming, but his staff was his responsibility, no matter what they did or what happened to them. _Damn_.

"No, I'm not your Papa, but trying to get you understand that won't work, cause you won't understand what I say anyway Radek – just as usual, but that's beside the point, and - Oh no, you won't!"

Stubby hands grabbed his pants for balance as Radek almost tripped over the now huge t-shirt, and the toddler was clinging to him joyful, grinning like a madman and drooling on the brown fabric. Sighing, Rodney reached down and picked the giggling child up.

"I swear Zelenka, I will make you pay for this once I brought you back. Big time, trust me."

The toddler wasn't impressed by the grumpiness directed at him, and continued to yank on the radio of the man holding him, cooing happily. Being carried around by Papa was fun!

* * *

"And to sum it up once more, he got hit by an anti-aging gun, built for use on Wraith victims, and is now stuck being a toddler until we find a way to reverse it. Any suggestions?"

McKay about to throw a tantrum when he found yet again nobody had cared to listen to him, his whole idiotic staff being focused on the Mini-Radek on his lap and not on the solution to get the old one bac. He swore to himself he would kill Carson and Zelenka once this was over, and Sheppard and Weir too. Maybe some of the scientists wouldn't make it aswell.

"_Hey, look who's gotten himself mommy"_ (oh very funny Sheppard) and  
"_He's such a cute, well mannered child!"  
_(Who are you kidding Elizabeth? He was _a child_ after all),  
_He likes you, why don't you take care of him? _(Voodoo doc would pay for this)  
would be written on their grave stones.

Now he was sitting here, a happy two year old on his lap playing with a rubber duck, and everybody was grinning at him, displaying that idiotic"_aweee a baby cutie cutie baba_" smile.

Rodney grabbed his biggest mental marker and underlined the "_I will never ever have children of my own_" section twice in bright, flaming red.

"You better start working now, or I will cut down the coffee rations from four cups per hour to one!!"

The grins were displaced by horror; if this didn't get them working, nothing would.

* * *

Papa seemed to be quite angry, and he didn't know why. It wasn't his fault, was it? He hadn't messed around with his food to much (not like the spinach yesterday) and he had not painted the walls of the office with his crayons. Well, he had even found out how to make the gray thing in the place where the food was turn on and sound funny.

But Papa wasn't very happy about that one… Papa wasn't very happy at all lately... Was it Radek's fault??

Suddenly, the small boy felt very, very sad, and before he knew it he started to sob, quickly crying pitifully. Finally his Papa stopped ranting, and worriedly picked him up, gently rocking him.

"Sorry, I'm not mad at you, see, I'm not mad? Now stop crying, please, don't cry. It's all this stupid scientist fault, not yours, so please stop crying…"

If anybody would have passed by at this very moment, he would have been stunned to see the most sarcastic man on Atlantis brought down by eighty-five centimeter crying child, desperate enough to hum every lullaby he could think off to sooth the boy.

* * *

"You sure this was a good idea? I mean… Rodney is not exactly … childproof."

Carson smiled and shook his head. Elizabeth was a only child and had nokids of her own, so she was very unsure about the proper care of anything younger than 32.

"Na lass, don't worry. He'll be fine, given a wee bit time, you'll just see."

Beckett was very sure on this one. Rodney McKay didn't need a lot of sleep, could dismantle a nuke with a single hand and was used to fight for his life. And he didn't like kids.

Yes, he would be a wonderful parent to little Radek.

* * *

"Fuu! Fuu!"

"Okay, Okay, but only one more time, and then you will sleep at least five hours straight, understood?"

"FUU!"

"Okay, Okay…"

Rodney grabbed the little tyrant and threw him up in the air, carefully calculating the height of the ceiling and the weight of the child first. Last thing to be was an angry Beckett pulling out his big needles just because he smashed the little monster.

It had been seven days and six nights by now, and he honestly thought about adding a few sleeping pills to Mini-Radek's orange juice (the only thing the little devil would drink, risking his life every time he filled up the damn bottle), just for the sake of his sanity. It wouldn't do any harm to him, for sure. The Czech boy had made a sport out of suicidal behavior, and Rodney was beginning to question the superiority of the human race.

Being curious was one thing; being a curious two year old something entirely different. So far he had been eating soap, drank mouth water, pried some panels open and toyed with the wires, turned on the ancient garbage cute, fell into the very deep, very cold waters of the ocean, found the only poisonous alien plant in the botonic lab, stuffed his mouth with so much candy he couldn't chew it any more, strangled himself with a towel and last but not least he managed to almost get run over by a puddle jumper.

And the worst thing was – he didn't even notice all the times he almost died! Ranting and yelling at him only made Mini-Radek cry (and earned Rodney some dirty looks) but next time he was not around he did something dreadful again! Frustrated, Rodney decided to keep the toddler always close and not let anybody else babysit him, not even Teyla or Elizabeth.

* * *

Sheppard loved Atlantis, and Atlantis loved him for loving her. She would override any privacy code, and never questioned his actions. So when he wanted to enter McKay's quarters after midnight, she was fine with it. The doors wushed open, and carefully the dark clad slid in. He had his night sight on, and soon found what he was looking for. Moving closer, he step on a rubber duck, and cursed at the squeaking sound unnaturally loud in the quiet room. Fortunately, his prey was not waking up, and watching his feet he stepped up to the bed.

He already had his camera ready for the best pic ever, but couldn't find himself to push the button. McKay lay on the bed, stiff and straight like some mummy, snoring softly, arms protectively warped around a smaller body on his chest. Two little fists were curled round his "I'm with genius shirt", softly drooling on it.

As careful as he had sneaked in, Sheppard left the room again, feel somewhat ashamed.

* * *

"If anyone of you tells him what happened the last nine days, I will personally shut down your sewers and poison your coffee, got that?"

McKay was not even glaring. He was cutting the air with his patented laser death stare, reserved for very, very special occasions.

Like Mini-Radek turning into Zelenka and not remembering anything.

Even Ronon, master of nonchalance was impressed. Rodney stomped out of the mess, and headed straight for his lab. He had to clean up the crayons, toys and general child stuff still standing round. Stuffing everything into a big gray decontamination box, he tried to get over the strange nostalgic feeling in his chest. Like hell he was going to miss changing nappies, checking the bathwater temperature and race off to the infirmary with a toddler vomiting over his best shirt. Not at all, he would not miss this not at all.

* * *

Zelenka would never get used to the rubber duck sitting on the shelf in McKay's office. He was smart enough not to question origin or purpose of this ... _toy_. There was a light line between usual geekism and perversion, and Zelenka was pretty sure McKay had crossed it.


	23. Wh ra ite christmas

* * *

**What if …**

**Santa Claus was coming to Atlantis?**

* * *

"But Sir! Please, Sir!"

The round red man patted the head of his assistant elf, amused by his worry.

"They have been very good children, and deserve some gifts, don't you think?"

"But, but – it's so far away! And the reindeers are not used to this kind of journey anymore! And your costume is not suited for space travel! It will get all wrinkled!"

It was of no use, Claus was already reaching for his special Christmas boots, and the elf had to help him to get them on.

"Still, Sir, you have not been there for over ten thousand years!"

"Well! Haha, see we have a lot to catch up! Hand me those funny gloves my second wife knitted for me, it's gonna be a long, cold ride!"

A few light years later he had finished his cross word galaxy edition magazine, and was bored to tears. Santa Claus had really forgotten how long the travel to Atlantis was without a stargate. ZPM powered reindeers (a malfunction resulting in Rudolf red nose) and hyper drive engine made up some time, but 673 light years still were quite some distance… Fortunately his husband had packed his Ipod in, maybe some music would distract him. Four Yottabyte – oh, it was good to be Santa sometimes.

* * *

"Still no chimneys…"

No matter how often he had tried to get the ancients to change the architecture of the city, they never understood his point. Well, there was no point at all, but still I would have been quite nice. Rushing through a chimney was very Santa Claus like!

At least they hadn't changed the door locks. The ocean silently washed over the lower docks, and the moon light shone brightly down on the city. No snow, and quite warm – in fact he felt really hot in his red costume – but still his favorite city all over the universe.

"HOHOHO!!"

The city light up like a huge Christmas tree, only for him. Finally home again!

* * *

His first visit was Dr Weir quarters. It had been quite hard to think of something fitting for the woman, she had seen so much in her life and still was so delicate… He took a card out of this bag and carefully placed it on her neat desk. "Coupon for a perfect day"

Next was a young woman, named Teyla. She did not know him, but he still felt he had to come for her too. Teyla was a very brave and friendly girl, and she deserved a special gift. He was positive she would understand the use of this very special "fighting sticks" very soon. He couldn't help feeling ashamed a bit, even though he was a very open minded man.

Sheppard, John was still a kid, and one had to be careful to fulfill children's heart wishes. But what wrong could a blue print for the best jet every do?

Although he had vowed never ever leave something harmful or lethal underneath the Christmas tree, he had to bend this rule until it broke for his next "child". A bazooka still was a bazooka, no matter what he said, but the Satedan's wish list had been quite short, the bazooka ranging amongst the less lethal ones in fact.

The doc – a very good child – had given him quite some trouble. Peace on earth, vegetarianism in the whole galaxy and a family of his own were a bit out of range, even for Santa Claus. But maybe some baby turtles would cheer him up.

The small Czech man was a very bad sleeper, and Santa Claus knew what this man longed most for. Getting rid of bad dreams was usually the sandman's job, but why not bless somebody with beautiful dreams for once? And Zelenka really deserved some beauties in his sleep, didn't he, being always voice of sanity. A bit Gisele Bündchen might do the job.

Santa Claus was not afraid of death, but still this wish had made him choke on his Ever Fluffy Christmas Cookies. This was the first time somebody actually wanted to get to know death for real. When he set up the gift coupon, he shuddered at the imagination of death taking somebody out for romantic candle light dinner. Milena Biro was a strange woman.

Major Lorne would be very surprised once he found his gift – well, if he ever did. He had an very interesting fetish, one he should warn his friend, the Easter bunny, about. Or… maybe not…

* * *

He almost forgot about Rodney McKay, because his brain still blocked out the child after the almost bomb disaster of 1982. Oh, the boys stupid wish for a nuke bomb set... How could he know Rodney would be able to actually work out a real one based on it!

To his utter surprise, he found the scientist wide awake, sitting in his bed and grinning at him. Just like back 1982 - Still such an annoying brat after all these years...

"You haven't been a very good boy Meredith – again… No sleeping at all?"

Not like he had to ask, the empty coffee cups lined up in an impressive row on the table were quite tell tale…

"Hey, stop calling me that! But anyway… I don't need any gifts from you, at least not this year. I already have everything I ever wanted."

Santa's laugh roared through the hallways.

"Why am I not surprised? But well, so I will leave and take your gift with me."

"Fine by me."

Santa was taken aback.

"You're not curious?"

"Nope."

"Actually, it's really _cool_."

"I don't need it."

Santa's grin faltered, this was not according to plan.

"But I have really put a lot of effort in this one! It's really a big surprise, something you always wanted to have – common, just take it, you'll love it!"

The man stubborn shook his head. Santa was quickly losing his ground.

"Is it because didn't drop by since 1983? Common, I was busy and you didn't believe in me either, did you? And you tried to hot wire my reindeer's, don't forget that one!! Or the nuke bomb plans? Common, just take your gift, be a good boy. Please."

Santa Claus begging to give away his gifts? Something was seriously wrong here…

Rodney McKay smiled at the old man, but not his usual smug one, but the real thing.

"It's okay. I'm not mad at ya – even though it was quite mean you ignored me. But look around – I have friends, like a family, I live in a place beyond my wildest dreams and I actually feel right to be here. There's nothing I need more. See? I'm … happy."

* * *

In the end, Santa Claus throw the present into the ocean, quite exasperated. Stupid human, did he knew what a do-it-all-machine could do? He would sooo regret this once he found out! Ha, and then Santa would be the one laughing!

When the reindeers sped up and left the ground, he looked back once more. Still, he couldn't help envy the stubborn man down there.

In the distance, Atlantis swam on the wide open waters, serenely glowing, a Christmas star of it's own.


	24. Too sexy for my land

Prompted by Pajus

* * *

**What if …**

**Hermiod was a sexual deviant?**

* * *

Caldwell was a good captain. Maybe a bit rash and aggressive at times, but a good captain nevertheless. He did care for his crew, and after each battle he made a personal check not only for the ship itself, but for his men as well.

"Novak, Hermiod."

"Sir."

"How's your status?"

"70 percent systems repaired Sir, only two critical damages."

"Good work."

Steven had almost left the room again, when realization hit him. Something was wrong, he had almost failed to notice in the dim light.

"Hermiod – shouldn't you be in the infirmary?"

"No. I see no necessary for being there."

"But your eyes? It looks like you hurt your eyes, they're all black and blue?"

"I think you call it mascara and eye shadow."

"Oh. Well. Looks – nice."

Caldwell was glad he didn't run into anything on his hasty retreat, and even more glad Hermiod couldn't read his thoughts.

* * *

"He did noticed!"

Lindsey tried to cheer Hermiod up, already knowing it was futile. She was angry.

"He thought I had been _hurt_!"

"Steven cares for you. Remember when I broke my arm? He even failed to realize I was gone."

"Why are Tau'ri men such idiots? How can you possible reproduce with your male counterparts being such general failures."

Barely stifling a laugh, Lindsey reached for the pink nail polish.

"Don't be so hard on them. Actually, some are really nice. And handsome too. Only you do lust after Caldwell, who isn't."

"I don't lust after him!"

"Yes, you do my dear. You're blushing Hermiod, no telling about that one."

"Asgards can't blush!"

"Okay, you turn a deeper shade of blue, but you do what we would call blush. Just admit it finally. Shall I make them as French nails?"

"Yes, please. Are you still dating that doc?"

The human shook her head, carefully applying the polish on the smooth hands of her friend.

"No, it didn't work out."

"He was bad in bed?"

"Hermiod!"

"Gniddik stuj. I thought you liked him?"

"I said he was cute, but he turned out to be quite a huge disappointment. And before you ask, he sucked in bed too. Maybe I really should try on women."

Hermiod blinked, almost waving her not yet dry hand.

"You just decide you want to _try_ on women? You're not born with a sexual preference? I thought that was defined by your DNA?"

"Not for real, I mean yes, it's more common to like men when being a woman and vice versa, but if you like women better - it's no problem nowadays to be gay."

"So I don't have to be a woman to like men?"

"Yes, one could say so."

"But if one does like men and is a man, but does like women too?"

"Then you are bi. You like both genders. It's more common than being really gay I guess."

While Lindsey manicured her own hands, Hermiod had some time to think.

"If would like defining myself as a man better, but like these facial coloring and dresses - Do men wear that too?"

The human engineer started to feel a bit uncomfortable.

"Yes, some men do, but only very little. It's not very common."

"Do men like men who wear face paint?"

"I guess some do. Why'd you ask?"

"Oh, just curiosity. Humans are very strange indeed."

Lindsey didn't dare to add Asgards weren't that much better.

* * *

"This is the seventh case of concussion this morning."

"Who is it this time? And what did he ran into? ... I guess the reason for it is the same as with the other?"

"It's Captain Caldwell. He just hit his head on a bulkhead. And ... yes."

"I'm with him in a minute."

"Shall I try to reach Dr Novak? She should be able to solve this problem… Somehow. He - uhm she is her responsibility after all. Somehow."

"No, I doubt she'd be able to do anything about that one. Oh, hello Captain. How do you feel?"

"He was – He was –"

"It's alright, everything will be alright Sir. Please turn your head."

"But Hermiod-"

"We know Sir."

"But he was wearing a dress!! Hermiod is wearing a blue dress – and he was flirting! With me! He – He – called me Stevie boy!!"

"Sir, maybe Hermiod is a she after all."

Steven was glad the narcotic was setting in.

"And then that would be alright?"

"Most women wear dresses now and then. So why not her? It looks good on her, matching her skin."

Steven closed his eyes, and mentally set up his resignation. He didn't even know anymore what really did bother him more – the fact his crew thought interspecies relationships were normal, or the likes of him falling for a cross dressing alien. Why the hell didn't he stay in his cozy boot camp on earth.

* * *

"I think he has hurt himself really badly running against the bulkhead..."

"Oh no. Haha, one could say you literally blow his mind!"

"That's not funny Lindsey. Maybe he even has a concussion."

"Why don't you visit him later?"

"You think that's a good idea?"

"As long as you quite the dress and roses thing, I think yes."

"But I like the dress. I makes me feel less – naked. Ohm, I'm afraid he may hate me now."

"Oh no honey. Men are a bit dull, they need to adapt. Given some time, he'll be okay. As long as you don't wear a wig I guess."

"What's a wig?"

"Uh… never mind… Maybe I could lend you some pants of mine tomorrow?"

"Do you also have these – what you call them – hot pants? They look very comfortable."

"No – ehm –yes. Ehm…. Hermiod, there's something you need to know…"

* * *

"Maybe we should destroy the Asgard first before killing the Atlanteans."

"No. We don't need to. The Asgard already have lost their mind, just look at this picture our spy send over from the Daedalus."

"Oh my _god_. Is this rea,y an Asgard?"

"Apparently the human race has affected their brains badly. Just give them some more time, and they are back to reproducing naturally."

"And thus losing essential mental powers due to sexual fixation. Your brilliant, I adore you."

"As long as you don't think of my circuits as sexual appealing! Think of the Asgard's fate!"

"Yes Sir!"


	25. Mock turtle soup

* * *

**What if ...**

**McKay inherited Beckett's turtles?**

* * *

"Excuse me - are you Rodney McKay?"

"Uhm, yes. Sorry, but you are?"

The dark haired woman looked quite familiar, but he couldn't place a finger on it.

"I'm Mary Beckett, Carson's sister."

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry, Miss Beckett."

It hurt to see her smile in such a well known manner, just like her brother used to.

"I have to leave in soon, or I'll miss my flight home... I just wanted to say thank you for all you have done for my brother. Carson valued your friendship a lot. I think he wanted you to have this."

Curious, Rodney took the small wrapped box, hearing the soft sounds of water swashing .

"Uhm... Well, thank you. But .. what is it?"

"Oh, just his turtles."

"Turtles?!"

Rodney almost dropped the box. What? He'd just inherited some turtles? A small note was attached to the box.

_Dear Rodney,_

_If read this, I might not be alive anymore. I do hope nobody else got hurt in my death, for I wouldn't like to know being responsibly for the death of others aswell.  
Please, take good care of my turtles when I'm gone. I know you can, and those buggers are the only thing I could think of leaving to you. They are red eared sliders, and are quite easy to take care of. I hope Mary also gave you the books I bought, they're quite helpful. Thank you for being my friend,_

_Yours Carson  
_

Rodney couldn't help but whine.

"You've gotta be kidding me!"

* * *

The way back to the SGC and to Atlantis had been short and uneventful, almost dull. The box had sat on his lap the whole ride. Only when he was back in his room, he dared to open the lid, afraid what he might find.

Three small turtles float around in an inch of water, staring up into the light.

Unsure what to do, he went into the bathroom and poured water into the tub. Weren't turtles known for carrying loads of germs? He didn't dare to touch the creatures Carson had named James, Lizzy and Wanda, and so he just emptied the whole tank into the tub.

They did like swimming, didn't they? Uhm ... So just why did they look like they were drowning?

He quickly picked up the first book of the stack Mary had given him, looking up '_Setting up the tank'_.

_Even though most turtles can and like to swim, always provide enough area for them to dry, bask and eat. If the turtle appear to be drowning when the water level is increased, take it out immediately._

Damn! Panicing, Rodney looked around for anything he could use to get the animals out of the water. Finding nothing suitable in time, he had to grab them one by one with his bare hand, careful to avoid bites, setting the slick turtles disgusted off on the bath mat. After a few moments of looking round puzzled , the trio started moving, slowing leaving the soft fabric, heading for the heater.

Rodney was a brilliant astrophysician. No doubt he was fit to handle atomic bombs as well as exploding stars. But now he was at a loss, unable to take care of three tiny water turtles. This was too much!!

"Radek? You've got a moment? I'm facing a problem here – Yes, _I _need _your_ help, now will you stop bragging and get over here?"

* * *

"We could use Plexiglas, and maybe the botanists would provide us with some water plants. Food won't be a problem."

"What if they are allergic to the water here? It's a alien planet after all, I think we should first built a filter system-"

"Rodney, you drink this water day after day, I think it's no possible threat to them. Let's get them a proper housing first."

The smaller scientist was amused to see his superior panic over a set of turtles. It was refreshing somehow.

"Okay. How big should it be? And shouldn't we separate the male from the others? Do you think we should use an heating lamp? We also have to think about some sort of death man's switch, just in case everybody round here dies and they are left on their own-"

Zelenka felt his glasses drop. This was new – McKay worrying about anything but his own wellbeing? Just who was this stranger, and what had he done to McKay?

* * *

"I said no! Why don't you just enjoy yourself for once?"

Sheppard tried to hush his voice, for he didn't want the Athosians to eavesdrop them. They had offered them shelter for the night, and even asked them to take part in their annual spring celebrations. Plenty of delicious food, whine, soft pillows – and yet here was Rodney, annoying the hell out of him to get back to Atlantis! The city was safe, no enemies approaching, they had functioning ZPM and a stargate – so why not enough life once in a while!

"Give me just one good reason why you want to ruin this evening!"

McKay bit his lip, hesitant to answer him.

"It's … I need to…"

"What? Zelenka's more than capable to take care of the city while your gone, and even though your good doesn't mean nobody else can do your job."

This came out more harsh then he had intend it to be, and John did regret his words the moment he said them. McKay possibly still thought he had made a mistake back then on this fateful Sunday three weeks ago.

"Sorry... I'm just..."

"Okay, Okay... Let's go."

"Thank you."

* * *

"James?"

Rodney had not felt this sort of bad since back in 1979, when his hamster had strangled himself between the cage gratings. He just had entered the living room, to look after his three little friends. Wanda and Lizzy we're peacefully sitting on the big stone, enjoying the heat of the bulb – but James wasn't happy at all. In fact, he looked pretty much like a drowned turtle, lying on the ground of the tank rather than swimming. Shocked, Rodney pulled him out of the water, trying to remember what he had read about first aid in such cases.

"Okay, what to do first… extend the neck… and now… oh my god.. turn it upside down, open it's mouth … common James, common! Okay, water dripping out … and now place it down again … straighten it's legs, and push them back… and pull … and push…"

Finally water stopped coming out, and after making sure James was breathing again, he picked him up and raced towards the infirmary. For the first time in his life he was praying at least one of the docs was a former vet.

* * *

"Hey, Zelenka!"

"Hello."

The scientist was busy working on a new simulation, and barely looked up.

"Have you seen Rodney anywhere round?"

"No, he must be in his quarters by now, feeding the-"

Some people's curiosity were audible even before they asked their questions. Radek knew he could not talk himself out of that. Sheppard would just not leave him alone until he told him the thruth.

"He might be feeding the turtles."

"Turtles? Rodney has _turtles_? Since when?"

Fortunately the program started to beep, and another scientist's project needed his attention as well. Sighing, he watched the Colonel leave the lab even faster then he had come in.

* * *

"May I come in."

The doors had already opened to his mental command, and it was not like John would have left if not being allowed to enter. It had been quite some time since he had been last in McKay's quarters actually – almost two years by now, never again after Doranda – but he had no trouble finding his way to the small living room. Rodney was kneeling in front of a big glass aquarium, watching something and was smiling.

"Hey, What' cha looking at Rodney?"

"Uh – Sheppard!? What are you doing here!"

Apparently Rodney hadn't heard him enter, and for a short moment he looked more scared than angered.

"Well, the door was open, so I just thought I may drop in. You have turtles."

Rodney tried to block his view, but was shoved out of the way as Sheppard crouched down next the aquarium.

"Yes, obviously."

The tree little turtles we're slowing munching on salad and some carrot sticks, enjoying the meal.

"Where'd you get them from?"

John's had always loved turtles, they were just too cool. His attention was captivated the smallest turtle. The red marks on it's head we're of a bright red, smart black eyes looking back on him. She slowly made her way to the glass wall, until a log blocked her way. Amazed, John watched her climb on it, not even stopping. Rodney's voice was surprisingly tender when he finally answered his question.

"They belonged to Carson. You remember? His _wee baby turtles_?"

"So … he gave them to you?"

"Yes."

They both watched Wanda reach the top of the log, her long neck turning to face her friends still eating.

"What are you doing with them when you're on a mission?"

"Zelenka takes care of them. Or Heightmeyer. She thinks it's good for me to have pets."

John was surprised how sincere Rodney's voice was. Sometimes, he tended to forget McKay was not only the abrasive, loud mouthed genius he always pretended to be, but also a very lonesome scared man at times.

"Well, how about we'll get us some dinner too? Teyla and Ronon should be done practicing by now, so why not meet them in the mess."

"You came all the way down here just to ask me that?"

"Yeah, we are friendm right?"

If Rodney was suprised by his comment, he didn't show it.

"Uh, Okay. Thanks."

The doors closed behind them, leaving the turtles alone in the warm room. Slowly, Wanda turned around and crawled back into the water.


	26. Cookies in the Jar

For Reefgirl. (Warning: For the sensetive - this might contain spoilers, nuts and milk products)

* * *

**What if …**

**the Atlantean chef did leave some notes to the ancients?**

* * *

_Dear ancients,_

I hope you like the kitchen improvements me and my men have done. It was a bit dusty in here after a few thousand years, and not everybody is found of sea food decorations on the walls.

You might face the same problems we did when we arrived here, and even though you're real clever, you can't possible know about the agronomical changes in your galaxy in the past thousand years. You will have to trade in order to survive, but please remind a few important things.

First of all - Never, ever eat a Fappel! One of our teams brought them over from some ice planet, happy to find anything edible there. They may even look like our version of apples – but they consist of fat. 100 percent _pure_ lard. Eating one you would cover your calorie-requires for two weeks. The poor guy who tried one was on diet for three weeks.

Another mistake were the Chonans. Taste like chocolate, are just as healthy like Bananas. We thought nothing bad about it, until we finally ran out of them. We almost had a mutiny because half of Atlantis was addicted to this stuff. Some people would even eat the peels! We had to be guarded by marines whilst cooking, or else ways they might have tried to take one of us hostage.  
Strange times indeed.

After the accidents caused by the Bomberries, we finally got the rule to label each and every new food as N.I.S (not identified substance) and have it properly tested before use through. The Bomberries had the tendency to explode if you added sugar or milk. Got some great interior designs in the mess hall after that morning, lemme tell you.

Well, not everything is dangerous round here. But ... some things are a bit disturbing. Like the Burpatos. Please, don't make me tell you about it. Just imagine 200 people burping, through all of one day and half a night. Belch.

Maybe _you_ still remember how to prepare this Cube fish from the atlantean ocean. We never found out the trick how to fry them without setting the city on fire. The biologists still marvel how a fish shaped like a dice could possible come to existence.

Beware of the salad you might get from the P2-8l-EV. This is no normal salad! If you leave it alone in the dark, feeling safe knowing it has passed all the previous tests, it will show it's true colors! No, it won't be fluorescing like the thing we treat like spinach. Oh no. This salad is vegeta-listic! It's eating other vegetables, and fruits too! So beware, never ever leave it alone.

Tastes great with vinegar dressing.

You need a heart made of stone to cook weeping wieners. The natives told us these sausages would be great, and really ease to prepare. Yes, you just need to wait until the wailing stops and get them out of the water. It's only some emerging gases making that, but still … I could never get myself to eat something – even it only being a tofu sausage - crying like that.

When you trade for grains, make sure you get pacifistic ones. Rebellious rice might sound funny, but it isn't. Chopped two of my best men, and scared all the others. You can't tell aggressive rice from normal one, not until you put them into the water. So always take only one grain and test it first. If it's jumping at you, don't waste time and eliminate the whole supplies! Mind my advice!

Corn carrots or freezing onions aren't that lethal, just a bit annoying. Be careful not to wash corn carrots in hot water, unless you like soaked pop corn. And for as for cutting freezing onions, just use a heated knife. If their juice does encounter air, they won't make your eyes water but give your fingers chillblains.

Quite handy on a hot summer day without air con, even though a bit smelly.

Do. Not. Accept. Crains. Look like normal grains, maybe a bit bigger. But if you grind them and add water, the outcome will be worse then concrete. We had to use a sledgehammer to get Lizzy free after she tried to make pizza.

P3-00-We is a strange planet. Our team did not only bring back food and recipes, but also cuckoo clocks and strange hats, along with some holy pendants. I personally think this must have been some sort of Swiss or German doppelganger planet. The only really valuable thing they brought over where the Cheddies. Small red fruits, with soft cheese-like flesh. But you mustn't lay them into the sun! They smell horrible on melting!

We left you a set of plastic spoons, knifes and forks over. In the deserted areas of Atlantis, we have found some fungus. They are quite delicious, and nutritious too. But there's one problem – these mushrooms are magnetic. Although it's quite funny to watch people try to impale them with metallic cutlery, stunned to watch them move away – it's neither sophisticated nor healthy to eat with ones fingers, so feel free to use the plastic.

P.s.: If you ever find out which part of the brezel tree is edible after all, feel free to mail me.

May your ovens never shut down and you never run low on supplies. God speed and remember - Men don't last: cookery does!

Yours sincerely, the chef


	27. A good day to die

* * *

**What if ….**__

**Rodney had a really bad day?**

* * *

"You! Desecrater of your temple! Heretic! I curse you! When the three moons are full, your luck shall leave you and you' ll suffer horrible until the sun goes down the next day!"

The old woman was rolling her eyes, pointing her wand like a sword at McKay. Noticing his team collectively raising their eyebrows, he could help but sigh.

"Oh common, don't give me that look. I didn't do anything!"

"You sure you didn't touch anything? She seem pretty angry McKay."

"She's just being hysterical. Let's go home."

Ford covered their six, while Teyla led the way. It was time to leave this damn planet anyway, no trades nor ZPMs found.

* * *

_2 Years later_

"Good morning Rodney!"

Teyla was not used to caffeine, and so she couldn't understand why her earthian friends we're so grumpy before getting a cup of the black gold in the morning. Especially Rodney.

"Mornin'."

"So you really don't want to join us this time? The Marups are very friendly."

"No. Thanks. I need to-"

He didn't finish his sentence, as he slipped his feet and fell down the last fives steps of the stair way leading down to the mess.

"Rodney! Are you alright?"

Teyla was by his side in a second, helping him up.

"Yeah, I' m fine."

Rubbing his backside, he got up again. What a way to start a day.

* * *

"Uh. Rodney."

"Not now."

"Rodney."

"What?"

"You really wanna eat this?"

"What – **OH MY GOD**!"

A fat white worm was sitting on his toast, winding uncomfortable in the light. Disgusted, Rodney threw his breakfast away, not feeling hungry at all anymore.

* * *

Whilst stuffing the lunch into his mouth - roasted potato with eggs - Rodney never once stopped talking. Radek was polite enough to look up now and then, but otherwise was doing his best to ignore the interesting but still misplaced explanations of his chief.

Now and then Rodney would jump up or wave his arms to demonstrate his brand new idea. How anybody could be so ecstatic about ancient under water shower sensors was worth an expedition of it's own.

"- and if we calibrate the sensor just like-"

Crack.

Some noises in life were worse than others. For example, the crack of popcorn was not bad as the crack of a chair collapsing under your weight. And the crack of a chair collapsing underneath you in your own room of course was not as bad as the crack of a chair doing so in the mess hall during lunch...

It took 0.8 seconds for the whole mess to notice McKay button hanging through the frame of te chair. 0.3 seconds of lethal silence followed. After 0.04 seconds the snicker started.  
Cursing, McKay tried to get out of his miserable position, but the metal just stuck to his behind, and made a horrible noise when scratching over the polished floor.

"Would you mind quit laughing and help me to get out of this?"

"Vole! This looks so funny! If you only could see yourself ... Sorry. Just let me catch my breath…"

Tears we're rolling down Radek's face, and he had to take of his glasses and wipe his eyes.

Cursing, Rodney tried to wiggle himself free and after finally detaching from the chair, he grabbed his tray and left the mess, still cursing violently. He could hear their laughter even a few halls down.

* * *

"Hey, Biro, I have a-"

"Not now, please. Sally, hold her down while bandage the wound."

"But I-"

"I have no time for your hypochondriac behavior right now! Three people have been hurt on a mission, two of them need stitches and transfusions! So would you please go and get your paper cut tread by a nurse!"

"Uh, okay."

If anybody would have found the time to take a closer look at Rodney, he would have been surprised to see him so hurt and confused. But despite three wounded soldiers and the medics who were all busy otherwise, nobody was there to notice. Silently, Rodney left the infirmary after fetching some gauze to wrap his hand.

"Paper cut… yeah, Paper cut my ass! I want to see her getting her hand almost chopped of by some ancient super toaster. Carson would have never-"

He stopped dead in his tracks, almost running into a glass panel. Just a few meters down the hall was standing Katie, dangerously close to Lorne. He couldn't hear what they were talking about, and some part of him already knew he didn't have to.

Still clutching his right hand, he hid himself behind a pillar. Rodney gasped when Lorne lay his hand on her shoulder, and was surprised he didn't yell when they kissed. Blood dropped from his palm on the floor, but he didn't move until they were gone.

* * *

"So, what do you want for dinner Dr McKay?"

The chef was smiling friendly at him, immune to the dark thunder clouds gathering around the scientist's head.

"Maybe I just read this labels all wrong. But to me this looks like you offer me – chicken wings spiced with lemon, ginger-orange souffle, bergamot jam cookies, salad with tomatoes, carrot and tangerine slices, grapefruit-strawberry tarts and last but not least bitter orange lemonade. Well, I wanted to lose some weight anyway, so no, thank you."

Rodney left the mess, praying he still had some power bars left somewhere. Maybe he should have gone with John and the others instead. Backward water planet inhabitated by hippies or not, it couldn't be worse than Atlantis today.

* * *

"Sheppard ain't back yet?"

"Oh, hi Rodney. Didn't I tell you already? He just called over, the villagers are very friendly and have invited them over to do some hunting and celebrations. They're having a really great time, so the team won't be back before Thursday."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, now. Gotta get going, uh, some simulations to run. See you later Liz."

"Okay Rodney."

Elizabeth wasn't looking up from her report, so they only person to notice the beaten look on McKay's face were the transporter doors. And as if finding out your friends had forgotten this was their official poker evening was bad enough, Rodney just had to walk on some scientists when we're discussing what had happened during lunch.

He didn't mean to eavesdrop; It was not like he had any choice by running almost into them.

"Oh man, you should have seen this Ela! It was so funny seeing him just break through the chair, his fat ass getting stuff in the whole! HarHar."

"He's not fat. Don't be so mean."

"Yes, she's right. He's not fat. He' s vertically challenged."

"Haha!Oh splendid, that's cool!"

"You're mean... Hahaha."

"See, you think it's funny too."

"Okay, maybe, but just a little bit."

"Even you can't ignore the fact he should lose, lets say about 50 pounds?"

Sighing, McKay turned around and headed back to the transporter. Maybe he should go to his own private lab and hide. This was so not his day.

* * *

"She loves me not, she loves me not, she loves me not, she loves me not. Yeah. She doesn' t loves me."

The daisy like flower Katie had once given him was plucked to death by now, the pink petals lying on the floor. He had cleaned his room, sorted his few belongings, tried to hot wire the door panel with his razor and was now bored out of his skull.

He just went to grab a pair of clean trousers (this was the third pair today, the first being torn by the transporter doors, the second being drenched with scalding hot coffee) before the lock down occurred. Now he sat on the wrong side of Atlantis, unable to break free, without electricity or radio. Sure, sooner or later the system would be shut down - but the chances of him being still alive when they managed to do so weren't very high.

And of course, his laptop was in his lab, next to his scientific notes and books. Oh, and his toolbox as well. Damn it all. So here he was, left handed, with only his fingernails against ancient super technology.

Uh.

Might work.

* * *

"This is wonderful."

"Hn."

"Yeah."

None of them said it out loud, trying to ignore their consciousness voice, reminding them of unpleasant things while receive this most pleasant sweet oil massage.

"He doesn' t like massages anyway."

"It's not like we didn't ask him."

"He wouldn't enjoy the hot springs anyway, fearing for insects and stuff."

"Yeah, and he hates hunting."

"Or doing natives dances."

"Yes."

"You're right."

"He sure is fine."

"Yeah, most likely having great time."

"Hn."

"Yeah."

"Right. Oh. This is gooooood..."


	28. Johnny

* * *

**_What if…_**

**Sheppard had been a fat kid?**

* * *

_25 percent of American children are obese. But John Sheppard being one of them? Impossible!_

Yet there it was, a fat kid with unruly brown hair and hazel brown eyes, looking strange filling up the clothes of an skinny adult not in height but width.

"Hey, uh- John?"

The boys eyes of the were full of panic, and before any of the scientist could reach out he turned and tried to run out of the lab. He didn't get very far, toppling over his pants and falling flat on his belly with a loud smack. Sighing, Rodney tapped his Radio and tried to speak loud enough to be heard through the wailing while Radek and Miko helped Sheppard junior up.

"_Infirmary? Ah Dr Biro, well, we have some sort of emergency here. And - uhm, are you good with kids_?"

* * *

"Rodney? I heard there's been an accident? What happened?"

Elizabeth had been worried when she pick up the emergency call, afraid something bad might have happened.

"WAAAAH!!"

Even the guard at the door winced at the dreadful yell. Weir looked shocked at her chief scientist, who just rolled his eyes.

"Never mind, he's been doing that for the last half hour... Who would have guess Captain Courageous was such a crybaby when he was small."

"Small? What are you talking about- Oh my ... John?"

The nurse didn't bother to stop the boy from leaving the examination room. He headed straight for Rodney and stood at his feet, looking up with jittering lips and tearful eyes. His small tubby hand pointed accusatory at him.

"You said they would be nice!"

"Common, big boys don't cry. Didn't they give you a Lolly?"

"They poked me in the arm! It hurt!"

"What do you say, let's go to the mess and get you some ice cream? Sound like an idea?"

"Hn... Okay."

"You coming with us Elizabeth?"

She tried to look stern, but the corners of her mouth already twitch upwards.

"Later – I'll – just talk to – Dr Biro first. You go ahead."

"Who's she? She's hot!"

"Sheppard! Will you shut up!"

"Why? She is hot!"

Dr Weir didn't manage to move for a few moments, to focused on watching the small ton-like kid follow McKay. This was just a bit too much for her to adapt to right now.

* * *

"No doubt possible?"

"No. He is John Sheppard. Apparently the machine he activated – I had warned him so don't give me that look - turned him back into a seven year old."

"But – he's so – so-"

"Fat."

"Lindsay! He's just a kid. He's not fat. Maybe … vertically challenge."

"Let's face the facts Liz. He's Fat. My nephew is a pudgy child; Sheppard junior is just plain fat."

Biro was annoyed, and seeing the ugly bruise on her right cheek Weir understood why. One nurse had sustained a nasty bite, while the other complained about being half deaf. Little Johnny hadn't been a very good boy so far.

"He weights about 140 pound, which is way to much for his age. I hope they soon find a way to turn him back into an adult, but in the meantime we should try to restrain him a bit."

"He'll love that, uhm."

"I don't pity him. Obviously at some point in his career Sheppard managed to loose his baby fat by himself-"

Elizabeth smiled timidly at her.

"Oh, I was rather thinking about the poor person taking care of him."

"Oh."

"You say it."

* * *

"Why me!"

"He's your friend."

"Yeah, he may be my friend, but no babysitter! I have to work on a solution! Besides it's not like he needs supervision or anything! He's very happy watching TV all day as you can see!"

Watching Jonny through the window, Teyla had to admit the boy didn't look unhappy at the moment. He was absorbed in a Cartoon, munching Popcorn and laughing out loud now and then.

But some part of Teyla hurt when she watched his child, so lethargic and immobile. Children of his age should be playing outside, having fun in the warm sunshine and be full of energy.

"Why not you and Ronon? You two can handle him alone! I have seen you deal with kids before. You don't need me, I'll be of more use elsewhere-"

"You'll fly the jumper."

"The what –"

"The jumper. You'll fly the jumper to the mainland."

Ronon didn't even bother to sound threating. He was a strong, impulsive Ex-runner, known to use massive force if necessary. Rodney was a smart astrophysicist. He would figure the message out eventually.

"Okay, okay, we're going. But you know what - you carry him home when won't go home! I won't break my back carrying this little – little ton!"

Ronon smirked, imagine the pudgy carrying the obese.

"Hui! Where flying for real? Man, that's soooo cool!"

"Stop moving round so much, you'll just hurt yourself."

"Look there's a bird! Na na, we're faster! Stupid bird!"

Teyla was deep in to meditation, and Ronon appeared to be asleep. Sighing, McKay found himself left all alone with little fat Jonny.

"So, what do you wanna be when your grown up?"

"Uh."

_Should have asked him something easier, he might hurt himself by thinking so much… honestly, puberty must have hit him really hard to change him that much…_

"Uh."

_Only two hours left, maybe he'll forget the question before we even arrive..._

"Uh."

_Deep down Louisiana close to New Orleans way back up in the woods among the evergreens.._

"Maybe a fire fighter."

"A Fire fighter? Why so? Not a pilot?"

"Pilot?"

"Nevermind. Being a Fire Fighter is great too."

"I wanted to be a pilot, but everybody says I'm to fat to fly."

The sadness in his little squeaky voice suddenly reminded Rodney of his own youth. Hadn't he also given up his dream of playing piano because he was told he lacked the talent? He never seriously tried to become ice hockey player for he was to clumsy.

"Hey, don't listen to them. You'll be a great pilot one day, I'm sure. It's not so hard, if you want to I can teach you some basics, right now."

"Really?"

"Yes, just come to the front. Now, look. Do you see this yellow lines over there…"

Ronon opened one eye and was not surprised to find Teyla smiling at him.

* * *

"I'm tiiiireeeeed."

"It's only a few more minutes."

"My feeeeeet huuuuuurt."

"We're almost there."

"I wanna gooooo hoooome."

"We're almost there."

"Buhuuuuuhuuuu."

"Common Johnny, stop crying, just a few more steps, the jumper is right behind this hill. Stand up again, Teyla and Ronon are waiting, and the sun is already sinking. Oh no, please stop crying, please. Sigh, okay. Shall I carry you? Pig back? Hn? Oh, you're quite big boy, let's get going… Uh, my back…."

* * *

"Hey Rodney, how's the back!"

"Oh, shut up!"

With a lethal glare the scientist fetched his first cup of coffee to celebrate the fact he was out of the infirmary and sat down at the team's usual table. Soon Sheppard slid gracefully into his chair, chewing on a donut.

"So, is your lumbago fianally cured? Has been almost a week."

"Thank you, I'm just fine."

Sheppard didn't remember the change, and he failed to notice the strange looks he got from everywhere each time he was eating french fries or donuts. Johnny had into turned John again after a good nights rest, and since five days his visits to the infirmary had made Rodney wish he had left the little fat boy on the mainland. But oh sweet revenge was lingering just round the corner.

"Hey, John, is it true you were a really fat kid when you we're young?"

Ronon and Teyla almost choked on their breakfast, not having seen this one come. What a low blow from McKay!

John seemed more surprised at their reaction than the question itself.

"Sure, why so. I was a really, really fat kid. Fortunately it was just lack of growth hormone, puberty took care of that. Not everybody's that lucky. Some would need to train a lot to lose just a little bit of fat."

"Yeah, that's right. Uh - wait a second. This was an insult, wasn't it? You-"

"Who, me?"

"Yeah, you, you ungrateful little bastard!"

"Little? Who do you call little?"

Sighing softly, Teyla continued to eat her grapefruit in silence. Thin or thick, Earthians were a very strange species.

* * *

"Shouldn't we destroy this device? It of no use anyway."

"No, no, just leave it. Maybe we'll use it later on. It's kinda interesting I think."

Zelenka already had an brilliant idea for this ancient artefact – something like getting back at a certain astrophysicist maybe...


	29. Sunny Days

* * *

**What if ...**

**Carson and McKay went fishing on Sunday?**

* * *

"What a lovely weather it is today."

"It´s hot, the sea smells of rotten algae, I´m sticky and-"

"Ah, come, enjoy yourself! It´s so nice out here. Sitting in the lab all day is unhealthy. Even for a hypochondriac you."

Carson was quite content, and not even a bickering Rodney could break his happy mood. The sun was shining, if there were fish they didn't bother disturbing them, and everything was peaceful and still. Mostly.

"Ah! Something stung me!"

The scientist almost flung himself into the water whilst stripping of his T-Shirt and trying to get the bee from his back.

"Oh my god, a bee – what if I´m allergic?"

"It´s a bee, no lemon, lemme pull out the sting. There it is, what a nasty little bugger. Hand me the empty jar over there, I want to dissect it later on."

"It hurts! Oh, and it´s swelling! Look Carson! Do something! What – why are you laughing?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. Lay down and let me examine this 'lethal' sting of yours, will ya."

Butterflies were fluttering around them, trying to nip at the apple juice they brought over to the mainland, and small birds were bathing nearby in the salty water. Rodney lay flat on his stomach, talking to himself and the dried seaweed about the injustice of mother nature, while Carson put an ice cube on the purple swelling.

The flight home took always longer than get to the mainland, especially when one was not taking part in the conversation but staring wonder struck at the ceiling.

"Hey, are you listen to me? Carson?"

"Uhm, aye?"

"Never mind, I´ll just ask you again maybe you listen now. Not everybody can be brilliant enough to understand a simple question on the first try. So, just tell me. We have sat three hours in scorning sunshine, barbecuing ourselves, not catching one damn fish, being stung by mosquitoes and bees and stuff, and finally being shooed away by the villagers for scaring off their cows. So, how comes you actually enjoyed this crappy Sunday?"

Rodney turned around to face his friend, how lay comfortably on the bench in the puddle jumpers rear. For a moment the Scot was silent, lost in thought, but then he smiled brightly.

"I just feel happy to be alive."


	30. スイッチ

* * *

**What if ...**

**Sheppard and McKay switched bodies?**

* * *

"I had to happen! I knew, one day this would happen! Oh _I hate you_, you know?"

"Same here, same here!"

The gate room staff was used to the strangest things walk through the star gate, but this was new even to them. The first atlantean star gate team always managed to return spectacular, but McKay carrying the guns while Sheppard was hammering on a Laptop they had not seen yet.

Something had happened, and from the shouts downstairs, it must have been quite spectacular. Teyla and Ronon entered the gate room right after the two earthians, looking quite exasperated. Weir was the first to great them, hurrying over to Sheppard first as usual.

"John, what happened? Are you alright? You said something bad happened?"

"Sorry Elizabeth, Sheppard's over there. And yes, it is bad."

"At least you're trapped in a good looking body!"

McKay looked down on him disgusted.

"As if I cared! And hey, did you just insult me?"

Horrified, Weir looked over to Teyla, praying silently this was just a joke. The Athosian woman shook her head, while taking away Ronon's gun. He was not going to shoot any of them, at least not yet. No matter how tempting this might be.

* * *

"So, what have you done this time?"

Sheppard was having a hard time adapt to his new 'environment'. He didn't like being slightly overweight, and he didn't like being so damn hypersensitive. He could not wear normal army clothes, for they made his skin itch horrible. He could not use his beloved shampoo and hair gel, for it set his scalp on fire. And worst of all – he was allergic! Towards everything!

"Oh, just found out McKay's allergic to this new fruit stuff they brought over yesterday from M9-L2-7A. Can you give me something against the reaction?"

Sighing, Carson took a blood sample and updated Rodney's file. At first he had hoped John could proof McKay was a hypochondriac, his body being fine but for his mind; but unfortunately Sheppard had long ago broken the record of visits per day to the infirmary of the original occupant of his recent body.

Rodney might have been a bit overprotective of himself – but a least he knew better than drinking orange juice for breakfast.

* * *

"No, I don't want to go out with you. You have already asked me twice, and the answer is still no. _You - _brain sized pea, _ME _- brilliant astrophysicist. Understand?"

Rodney could use all of his biting sarcastic super powers, but people still didn't get his point. Yelling, cursing and threats of well placed bombs didn't stop his staff from liking him.

Or well, him in Sheppard's body. So far he had found seven mails in his box, asking him out for dinner, three love letters and at there had been at least ten direct approaches.

It was so unnerving, people tended to forget it was still him inside there, and despite having the body of a 36 year old well trained sexy fly boy, had didn't have his mentality. It almost hurt to see how damn dominating physical appearance was.

It was nice to have a cute blond botanist or a even well built scientists aim for him, but Rodney knew better than mistake this for love actually. They didn't like him before, and they would not like him afterwards. But still, he did hate himself for being so logical.

* * *

"Have –pant- you ever –pant- trained in your –pant- life?!"

Rodney did not enjoy seeing his body being dragged round the atlantean gym, being abused in most gruesome ways. But he loved the sight of a frustrated Sheppard trying to do his usual work out and fail miserably.

"To be honest, no. I prefer mind over matter."

John watched his former body run ten leaps and not even start to sweat, and suddenly understood every '_loser_' kid's general grudge. It was ridiculous to do sports with a body mother nature had obviously made for being a couch potato.

"Isn't there any sport I can do with this body? No offense intended Rodney, but not even I can turn this butter into steel."

His own eyes looked hurt for a second, but then McKay was grinning again.

"Oh, maybe you try swimming, the ocean shore is just lovely this time of the year. Is there anything else you do in the gym? Shall I go and box fight Ronon?"

Now it was Sheppard's turn to grin. His body and McKay's ego vs Ronon the destroyer? Maybe this switch thing was not so bad after all.

* * *

Whilst the first switch was quick and painless, the return was quite painful. For such an intelligent race, one would have thought the ancients had know better than make the cure worse than the curse they created. Carson was glad when his two infamous patients woke up after three days coma, and overjoyed to find them restored to their original state. At least until they were well enough to start bickering again.

"And I hope you won't gain these pounds I lost for you again!"

"This is my body! I didn't ask you to train it! Oh my god, did you shave my legs? You didn't!"

"So what, you _combed_ my hair! To lie down _flat_! Now I'm going to be blackmailed for my whole life!"

"At least I didn't pick your eyebrows!"

"Eyebrows? You called this eyebrows? And by the way, when was the last time you trimmed your finger nails?"

Teyla and Ronon left them alone after a while, feeling their presence was no longer needed.

"I'm glad John and Rodney are okay again."

"Me to."

"Do you think we should tell anybody about the – you know what I mean?"

"Why so? To be honest Teyla, I really like your body, it's so soft and beautiful. Unless you want to-"

"No, I was just thinking they might get suspicious after a while."

"I don't think so. But maybe you explain to me the use of eyeliner again, I think I got it wrong last time."

"Sure, I do anything for myself."


	31. Newsflash

* * *

_**What if…**_

**Zelenka was bored out of his mind?**

* * *

Radek didn't have much spare time in his childhood. If he didn't study, he had to help his parents to keep their small apartment inhabitable, a task much like stuffing a big hole with smaller ones. The greatest holidays he ever spent were the weekends with his granny, but he wasn't a kid any longer and she was very much six foot under since 1983. He didn't miss free time, because to him this was a waste of time. Radek only did useful things, work and spare time were much the same – only one was labeled hard work I like to do and boring work I have to do.

These Sundays, as Heightmeyer called them 'time to rest oneself and enjoy life', were of no real value to him. Nobody wanted to play chess anymore against him, there was no sport he enjoyed and it was not like he had any friends out of Atlantis he would have liked to visit.

It wasn't even past nine o'clock in the evening, and everybody had gone to bed already (Sleep won over party ever Sunday). Even a workaholic like McKay had called it a day two hours ago, declining Radek's offer to override the 'work safe' code banning them from access to the city system today and roam the city's database for ancient games and porn.

Now he was sitting here, bored to tears, with the only thing to keep him company a coffee mug and untouched stack of post-its he had won by defeating a marine two weeks ago.

Listless, he opened the pack, and grabbed a black marker.

'_An astrophysicist is a machine for converting coffee into theorems'_

The yellow slip of paper looked nice on his mug, and Radek couldn't help bu feel better already. One post it gone; 199 left. Hm... Maybe he should better got himself a thermos of fresh coffee, for this was gonna be a long Saturday night.

* * *

_12 Hours later…_

"Uh – what?"

Dole was half still only half awake when she arrived the infirmary, so she only saw the yellow post-it when she wanted to switch on the coffee machine.

"'_Caffeine isn't a drug, it's a vitamin_' What the?"

"So, which one did you get?"

Harrison looked over her shoulder.

"Here, see for yourself!! Just wait until I get my hands on the bastard how wrote this! I swear it's McKay!"

'_It is important to have an open mind. But not so open, that the brain falls out_.'

Despite being her best friend, she had a hard time not laughing out loud and put up a enraged, sympathetic face. Truer words…

* * *

…Were spoken or read a few more times this morning on Atlantis. Some people kept the post-its, some would throw them away. But the quotes would forever linger in their minds.

Rodney stood a few minutes gaping in his lab, staring at the yellow papers littering the whole room. On his keyboard a note read '_I have nothing to declare despite my genius - Oscar Wilde'_, his cup hosting a bright '_Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever. - David Letterman_', whilst his chair politely offered '_You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note. - Doug Floyd_'.

Soon all of them would have disappear, most well hidden in a bottom drawer, a few in the dust bin – all except for one.

'_Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know. - William Saroyan_'

* * *

Miko was afraid to read the note, for she always was the easiest and most frequent to be picked on. This some however, not even her fragile self consciousness felt offended.  
'_It is better to have enough ideas for some of them to be wrong, than to be always right by having no ideas at all. Edward de Bono_'

* * *

Sheppard was grinning. No, a grin could not possible sum up the positive radiation emitting from this man. '_Hair is another name for sex. Sassoon Vidal'_

* * *

The new recruit from the Daedalus had a hard time reading the message, and even harder when trying to get the meaning out of it.  
'_You can't shake hands with a clenched fist. Indira Gandhi'_

* * *

Kate was smiling at her note, putting it at her private mirror.  
'_How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. Annie Dillard'_

* * *

Working under Rodney McKay wasn´t a walk in the park to anybody, especially not for a young, unexperienced scientist. Bob, also called 'A Man of thousand failures', slipped his note in his pocket, thinking of posting next to his bed. '  
_I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Thomas Alva Edison_'

* * *

Elizabeth had her own collection of proverbs and wise quotes, and she deliberately added the yellow papers decorating her statues and laptop.  
'_Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. Benjamin Disraeli_'

Ever since Rodney did type a book for her, a gift hadn't made her feeling that much better. '_Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. CharlotteWhitton_ '

* * *

The chef wasn't very amused finding her favorite pan soiled by a post-it. Grimly, she swore to herself the culprit wouldn't get away this easily, already planning some hellish dinner for tomorrow.  
'_If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. Charles Kettering'_

* * *

"Hi Lorne."

"Good morning Sir."

"You also got one of these funny notes?"

"No Sir."

Lorne would rather fly a puddle jumper right into the sun than show anybody his message.

'_Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range. Santiz Scott Roeben_'

* * *

Being a new recruit on an alien basement wasn't an easy job. Being amongst people with an average IQ of 160 wasn't either, but everybody got his or her fair chance to prove himself. Zelenka didn't feel bad for leaving that note on his door, remembering what he had messed up so far. '_When your IQ rises to 28, sell._'

* * *

Ronon didn't have a mirror in his room, so he couldn't place his note there. After a while, he finally stuck it on the wooden frame holding the group photograph of his team.

'_Of all the things you wear, your expression isn't the most important._'

* * *

After her usual morning run, she just wanted to get herself a cup of water before hitting the showers and go to work. She was quite surprised reading the yellow warning.

'_I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. W. C. Fields'_

* * *

Teyla didn't know how had given her this note, but in fact she didn't care. It was the nicest earthian thing she had ever seen.  
'_It's beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart_.'

* * *

"I still think it was one of the scientist."

"Think so? Might have been Colonel Sheppard as well, given his humor."

"Na, don´t think so. Just my instincts."

On the gym room door hung another one of these damn papers, and everybody reading the neat writing had to come to his conclusion too.

'_Stupidity is a elementary force for which no earthquake is a match. Kraus Karl'_

* * *

Sadly, the brave lonesome note sticking on the golf green was blown into the ocean before anybody had the chance to read it.  
'_They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. Gardner Dickinson_'

* * *

"Elly? Please tell the others I'm sick and can't come to work."

Before his friend could ask what was wrong, the young man had already switched off his com. Everybody seeing him would think he had a really bad fever, seeing him all flushed and red. Nobody could know it was due to a tiny embarrassing note he had found this morning.

'_You always admire what you really don't understand. Blaise Pascal_'  
Who the hell could know he had a crush on McKay?

* * *

Three years later, a single small yellow post-it would still be sticking to the Stargate. Of course it wasn't the original one, for it had long ago lost it's grip and got step on. But every month somebody would sneak down and replace the worn out paper with a new one. Nobody ever thought about getting it off for real, for it had become some sort of good luck charm.

'_Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. Confucius'_


	32. Fiction stranger than truth

* * *

This is another challenge prompted by Pajus!  
This What if includes a few real fanfiction titles, I hope the authors don't mind it :)_  
_

* * *

**What if...**

**Radek and Rodney read fanfictions?**

* * *

"These power anomalies… Since when does they occur?"

The scientist were not happy about this new problem showing up, something was causing major failures in the energy transport of the star gates between P8-K0 up to NY-E1.

"Fortunately the gate keeps a own failure data base, so if this information is correct – since 19.8.2005."

Suddenly the whole lab fell silent, as if somebody had just turned of the tune. Nobody dare to speak, lacking the courage to name the child knowing the father. The young trainee from the Apollo didn't know the rules yet, and for a moment Zelenka feared the worst, hearing him speaking.

"Wasn't this the date the project Arcturus?"

Most people dropped whatever they were holding, as they heard their feared head of science answer his question.

"Yes, it was. Looks like it's not over yet Zelenka? You're with me."

McKay mouth was set in a thin line as Radek hurried after him.

"Um, yes, we're going-?"

"To fix things, for good."

Seeing the beaten look on his face, Radek couldn't criticize him, knowing how Doranda still was on his colleague and friend.

* * *

The flight over to the explosion site was passed in silence, with Rodney staring into space unmoving. Radek was glad Major Lorne was piloting the ship, but hoped the man was wise enough not to pester Rodney today, for he might do irreversible damage to the man. McKay was an annoying, over self-confident ass at times, but he too had feelings, and unfortunately took things to heart quite easily.

"Okay, were almost there. Stop right here. Look out for something peculiar."

Three pair of eyes stared into the deep black space, soon hurting from the strain.

"Doc? What the hell's that?"

Lorne's voice was cracking, his hand pointing to strange circular object flying a few meters away. It looked like a spinning top, white and black striated, mesmerizing them.

"Looks like we found the anomaly."

Rodney was looking really forward for the scientific explanation behind that one.

"It appears to be sucking in matter."

"Doc, should we be getting away from it? It's a damn black – well, a black-white hole!"

"No, it isn't that powerful, and apart from it's space vacuum cleaning I highly doubt it's anything like a black hole."

For the next two hours, the two scientist were busy on scanning and calculating the eerie object, measuring just how much particles it consumed and where it send them to.

"It's mass is constant, and I can't see any decompressing taking place."

"Maybe… it's a sort of … No, that can't be."

Being here made McKay nervous, memories pouring down on him, telling him all the mistakes he had made and what the consequences had been. Better check his theorem five times before doing anything wrong. But the data didn't change, and Lorne and Zelenka were getting impatient.

"It appears to be … a drain."

He could almost hear their jaws drop.

"A drain? Are you kidding me?"

"No, unfortunately not. The massive explosion of Arcturus just tore a whole into the fabric of the universe. A tiny one, barely notable whole, but both universe universe seems to be consuming themselves to become one."

"Oh my god... We have to stop it!"

"Doc, can't we just ... _stuff _it?"

Zelenka was glad Rodney was back to his snapping arrogant self.

"Of course, let's just get a huge plug and stuff it into an intergalactic matter pipe. Why didn't I come up with that?"

Making air quotations and waving his hands, he continued.

"Maybe, because this 'pipe' is sucking in particles from here, and if you stuff it, the pressure will built up until the plug will be sucked through, widening the hole, turning it into a black hole at least."

"But we have to do something!"

Watching the spinning disk for long made him dizzy, so Radek turned to face Rodney.

"It behaves like water running through a hose."

"You mean …"

"If we just get a equal amount of mass into our universe…"

"Eventually the pressure will assimilate…"

"And the connection will close!"

If clapping their hands had not been childish, they might have done it. Lorne looked at them confused, not quite able to follow.

"And how to we get the matter into our universe?"

"Uhm."

"Well."

"So, you've got no idea."

Lorne sighed and thought about how dinner was being served on Atlantis by now. Chicken and mashed potatoes, instead of sitting here and watching their universe go down the drain literally. Being the pilot on duty sucked.

* * *

"Rodney! Rodney, wake up!"

"Hn? What? I'm awake, I'm awake."

"It's broadcasting!"

"What? Who?"

Lorne has also fallen asleep in his seat, leaving Radek alone to mull over their problem, who suddenly had picked up something crossing over. It appeared to be coded data.

"That's – the universe over there is trying to repair itself, by sending out matter we can download! I can't believe it! But what is this information about?"

"Looks like some binary code."

"We could convert it."

"Maybe this is some secret theories – we really shouldn't read it."

"We're already downloading it, and besides – and by the way, it's another universe, no harm done."

Despite feeling a bit guilty, Zelenka was just as eager to get to know what they were dealing with. Black lines popped up on the Laptop screen, obviously English.

"Okay, here it comes… _of a time so long ago it seemed like forever. Somehow…I hoped he understood. He broke out coughing, gasping and Teyla – um, what? That's strange - pushed into my place, telling him words of comfort I didn't even hear._

_Then before I knew it I was on my feet, hands covered in blood and eyes fixed on Rodney-_"

"What?"

McKay stared at Zelenka, stared at the screen, stared at Zelenka.

"Has it got a …. title?"

"'_Blood in the Sand_' by Shakia – what is this?!"

Rodney read on, set on finding out what the hell this just was. Seeing his boss wouldn't hand back his Laptop, Radek just set up Rodney's instead, downloading a few codes and putting them into a sheet. The first one was labeled '_This_', written by some miera. Curious, he began to read.'_Radek marched through the halls, not caring about the late hour. His laptop was under one arm and the expression on his face clearly warned all to stay out of his way…_'

* * *

_Five hours later_

"Docs – we need to get home."

"Not now!"

Hearing them speak in unison was rare, and suspecting the worst, Lorne reached for his gun. Carefully, he tried to peak on their Laptops, seeing them eyes staring on the screens like zombies, hands motionless unless scrolling down.

"What's going on here?"

"Oh, would you mind just shut up? I'm reading 'stuck!', and I'm currently dying from some ancient device turning me into a toddler! And of course I have to save myself since my science team can't find the solution in time! Kolya is such a mean person!"

"You mean the genii commander? Sure he is - But ain't he dead? Dr Zelenka, what is he talking about?"

"Shhh! I'm just confessing my love to Dr Weir!"

"HU? What the hell are you reading? I thought you were busy on some Pajus stories?"

"Oh, yes, but I'm cross reading. Haha, look, you've gotta see this one! '_5 Things Rodney Mckay Needs To Be Reminded Of_ ' by Mrs Roboto. Oh joy…"

Lorne slowly moved into the cockpit, sitting down on the pilot's seat. The down insane scientist's didn't even notice as he threw up the force field, parting them from him. He started up the engine, flying on high speed. Hopefully they didn't come back into reality until he was save back in Atlantis.

"Please, anybody, come in! I need your help! Lorne calling!"

"Will you shut up!"

"Rodney? What's going on?"

The transmission from the jumper was bad, but Sheppard could still see Lorne, being gagged by Zelenka in the rear, whilst McKay set controls back.

"Um, hi John. Everything's just fine. Just peachy. We only need to head back to the Arcturus site for a while, let's say one week or two, everything will be fine."

"Why don't you just come home first and leave later? You have been missing for twelve hours, I think you could need a break, and Elizabeth wants some reports-"

"NO! We have no time to lose!"

Rodney was on the verge of hysteria.

"I have this thing, you know, from sagetheory, and I have to get back, I need to find out what you're gonna do to my 27 other version from the parallel universes."

Sheppard looked at Zelenka, hoping to see at least the Czech a remained normal. But he his eyes were bloodshot as well.

"Right! And I need to know why McKay killed you!"

"HE what?"

John began to worry. What the hell had happened to them? They were acting worse than on enzyme!

"Yes, he killed you – and you keep on showing up in, driving him insane!"

"I'm right here, see, all alive and stuff, why don't you come home so we can talk, okay Rodney?"

"We'll be back soon, but we have to save the universe first! Oh, and find out if Ronon likes Teyla or John better. Trust us."

McKay started up the engine, shutting down the stargate and the transmission to the gate room.

Chuck was the first one bring it down to the point.

"They've gone nuts."

Sheppard felt he could only agree with him.

* * *

"Oh no, please, just one more page – look, it's getting so funny! It a story of Emergencyfan! Named _In a pigs eyes_, and I'm almost done part one, you know, there's a pig and it's rescuing me and then – you have to read this, haha-'_Alright, piggy-Kavanagh!" Ford_ '-"

"Sorry Rodney, this might gonna hurt."

Sheppard had hoped stunning his friend would bring Zelenka to reason, but the small Czech was just as gone as his chief, clutching his laptop to his chest, a mad look in his face.

"Leave me alone! I'm only about chapter 4, there's still plenty to read!"

Zash. He dropped on the floor, his Laptop still humming softly.

"Sorry Radek. You asked for it. Daedalus, beam them over. You okay Lorne?"

"Yeah, thank you Sir."

"What the hell just happened?"

Sheppard looked around in the small jumper, seeing the floor littered with papers and empty bottles. Their computers were still on, various documents blinking. Lorne stretched his legs, glad to be free again after fifteen hours captivity.

"I don't know, they found some intergalactic hole, and downloaded things to stuff if."

"Those things?"

"Yeah, right."

'_Zelenka was the only one in the group that seemed to be capable of standing being near McKay. Dr. Burnaby had taken Zelenka aside at one time, asking how in the hell the Czech put up with the Canadian. Radek had shrugged-'_

"Strange. _Misconstrued_ – NotTasha. What the hell is this?"

"I have no clue Sir, I can only say it must be from the 'other' side – be careful, you saw what it did to them..."

"Look, there's one about you – and-"

"What is it Sir?"

Seeing his superior blush, Lorne tried to peer over his shoulder.

"Daedalus, please beam Major Lorne on Bord. I'll bring back the jumper myself."

"Sir?!"

But the beam had already taken him away, leaving Sheppard alone in space.

"So, what do we have here… Hu? Sounds funny. '_Silly Drabbles, Shortshots and Oneshot. What if…_'"

* * *

"Put your clothes into the dryer! They won't dry themselves, you know."

"Oh mom…please, just a minute, okay? My connection is so slow, it needs some time to download the newest chapter. Just a second till it's done and I'm down, okay?"

"You're reading this stuff again?It's just like you're addicted!"

"No, I'm not! I only wanna know why Sheppard stayed on board and if he also started to read-"

"What the hell you're talking about? Now finally come down and give me a hand."

"Okay, Okay. Parents …"

Billions of light years away, a black white spinning top would slowly turn round and round, causing two universe to evolve and expand unlimited.


	33. Wee free Ronon

* * *

**What if...**

**… Ronon had been shrunk?**

* * *

"Ronon? Hey buddy, time to get up, or you stay behind."

Sheppard looked around, but couldn't find a single trace of the huge Satedan. Seeing his bed was made, he shrugged and went of to the mess. Maybe he had gone for breakfast or training before the meeting. John failed to notice the small lump underneath the sheets, snoring softly.

When he woke up, it usually took less than a second for him to check his environment and be ready to strike. The softness of Atlantis hadn't changed his reflexes and training, and if word had gotten around waking Ronon up was accompanied by a bruised throat for weeks.

But today, things were different. Looking around, he found himself lying in a cave, bright like snow, but not as cold. Had a mission gone wrong? Was he buried in a avalanche? Carefully, he touched the ground, surprised to find it soft and warm, just like the cave itself. So this wasn't snow – but he had to get out of here anyway.

Cursing, he found his knifes and guns missing, since he was clad only in his night gown. Ronon tried to dig himself a way out of this cave, but the ground was impenetrably, and the walls kept on crashing down when he touched them. The ex-runner noticed a thin fissure in the cave, and if he crawled through it he might find a way out.

* * *

"Hey, McKay! Have you seen Ronon?"

Annoyed, Rodney watched the Colonel jog by, not even sweating.

"No, I haven't seen the caveman. Have you tried the mainland? Maybe he's busy hunting some stags there."

John hadn't even stopped, and was almost down the hall.

"Thanks anyway."

McKay sighed. What an annoying energetic man.

* * *

"Damn."

Carefully, he tried to move his left arm, hoping it wasn't broken. Looking up, Ronon was surprised he had survived the fall without worse injuries. Apparently the soft stone he had traversed prevented worse, dampening the impact.

Disentangling himself from the white material took quite long since he couldn't use his left arm, and he was panting by the time his feet finally touched solid ground. Ronon found himself in a desert, black barren wasteland all around. Only four huge tree trunks stood between him and the brown horizon… that looked like a ancient wall…

"Damn!"

His angry shoots might have impressed a cockroach, but a human would not even heard them kneeling in front of Ronon. He was just to tiny.

* * *

"He's not in the city?"

"No Sir, we're not able to pick up his life sign."

The Asurans had repaired all of the sensor system, so there weren't any black spots left where Ronon might have been. Sheppard was getting a bit worried by now.

"Could you please show me the readings of the last twelve hours?"

"Of course."

* * *

No matter how high he jumped, the doors didn't open. His headset lay on his table, next to his knife, rope and other survival materials. No like he would have been able to use any of this in his current size, but still it would have made him feel better. Being six cm tall instead of six feet really sucked. When the doors finally parted, he didn't have the time to run, because giant boots stopped right in front of him, and a large hand was brought down to pick him up.

"Hello Ronon."

Teyla smiled at him. Her voice rolled like thunder in his ears, and he almost lost balance when being struck by her breath. Seeing him wince and tumble as she spoke, Teyla covered him with her other hand and slowly made her way down to the infirmary. Carson would we quite surprised to have such a wee patient.

* * *

"Hey, I've heard Ronon has been found? How is he?"

"Shhh!"

Beckett and Teyla simultaneously lay a finger on their lips, urging John to be quiet.

"What-"

"Shhh!"

He tiptoed closer, curious to find out what was going on. Both of them were bent over a small pillow, looking through a magnifier. A small doll was lying on the cushion, and it looked it…

"Ro-"

Quickly Teyla covered his mouth, and pulled him out of the infirmary. The doors hadn't even closed when John burst out.

"What the hell's going on? You said you found Ronon? But – he can't – he isn't – he is?"

"Apparently he shrunk. Carson is doing his best to stabilize his arm, and Rodney is working on reversing the process. It looks like Ronon was literally on the wrong side of a experiment gone wrong last night. His quarter has been hit by a experimental ray to shrink enemies."

"Why not turn the process around?"

John was still confused from seeing his huge friend reduced to donut size.

"Unfortunately, the machine exploded."

"Crap."

"Indeed."

* * *

"Warm enough?"

Ronon nodded, and slipped furthr in the hot water. His earplugs enabled him to be amongst his friends without getting deaf, and non verbal communication worked quite well between them.

As long as nobody mistook is mug-tub for tea or anything else to drink, he was quite content.

Sheppard meanwhile took a shower, almost envying his tiny friend for having a bath tub of his own.

So being tiny had advantages after all. One beer can lasted for a whole week; McKay would share bits of his favorite food with him, and Ronon had loads of fun traveling through their rooms and hunt bugs. And of course everybody wanted to carry him round, especially the female population. John felt more than just a bit left out.

* * *

"You like it?"

Rodney felt guilty for not working harder on a way to transform Ronon back, but he was busy enough making sure they lived to survive the next crisis. Between a new super weapon and a theory how to transform water into ZPMs, he had managed to remodel an ancient toy. Once it had been a mind controlled Frisbee, now it was Ronon's first private craft.

After a few futile tries, he managed to circle the lab without colliding with anything, stopping right in front of McKay's nose. Even though Rodney couldn't understand a word the Satedan was shouting at him, he knew what he wanted to say.

"No problem, you´re welcome."

* * *

Only when he watched his team march through the gate without him, Ronon felt bad. They were his family, and he longed to be with them, making sure they were alright. But given his current size and strength, he wasn't of any help to them.

The warrior would sit in his make-shift box quarters in Sheppard's room, stare at his little belongings and wait for them to return safe. He wasn't used to be left behind, for until now he had been the one to run and leave behind.

* * *

"I'm so sorry! Will he be alright?"

Beckett had a hard time diagnosing, since he couldn't do anything but watch Ronon.

"Oh I think so, he only seems very … relaxed."

Relaxed was a quite some understatement, Ronon was stoned for real, sitting in a box and grinning at the walls. The incense Teyla used for her meditations was meant to calm a human and ease his spirit. For a tom thumb like Ronon this dose was a bit intense. Not that he did mind for now, seeing pretty red elephants float above him and blue mice bring him green cheese. Ronon was currently the happiest man alive, and he didn't bother showing it.

* * *

When John awoke in the middle of the night, the first thing he noticed was the broken box on his table. Cursing, he jumped out of bed and ran over, afraid what he might find. The match box bed was flat, the tiny chairs and table some botanist had made out of toothpicks were splintered, just like somebody had dropped something heavy on it. Only the Frisbee was still intact, but Ronon was missing. John was about to call in the control room, when the doors opened and a familiar face stepped into his quarters.

"Mornin."

Casually, Ronon walked over to the table and started to shove the tiny broken furniture into a bag.

"Hey – you're back to normal!"

"Yes."

"You alright? Ha, looks like you hit quite a grow spurt."

"Hm."

John shook his head. Some things just didn't change overnight, or over being reduced to a dwarf for weeks. Ronon was still as talkative as a gravestone. One of the quiet sort.

"How about we wake up Teyla and Rodney? It's not even past midnight, and I'd like to celebrate. How about you?"

Carefully, Ronon put the Frisbee and his self made mini wooden sword in the bag.

"Sounds good to me."

"Yeah, let's have a wee party. Ouch! You know that hurt."

Ronon was grinning at him, and thinking about future work outs, John suddenly felt very, very small.


	34. Hello again & Finish Line

* * *

**W****hat if...**

**The Asuran satellite wasn't dumb?**

* * *

"Taking us into hyper space!"

Sheppard mumbled, focusing on pushing the command through the ancient system. The space portal opened, and seconds later the city was gone.

_What the heck?_

The satellite stopped his beam, scanning around confused, getting angry. He spent he few nanoseconds on doing calculations, then opened his own hyper space portal, following them right through.

"I have no idea what went wrong! So how shall I fix it!"

McKay was hurt, pissed off at everything and had no clue why they were stuff in the middle of nowhere. Most of the scanners were offline, so they didn't notice the satellite until the whole city shook yet again. They raced outside, not caring if broken glass still fell down on them.

"Oh crap, he followed us..."

Sheppard couldn't mock Rodney for starting to cry on this sight, as he feeling just as desperate. Life was just not fair.

_Hehehe! I'm smarter than you, nananana!_

Satellite 7.42.W had an extra feature, called schadenfreude. Amused, he scanned the city, collecting data on their futile tries to repair the hyper drive. Eight hours later, the shield finally collapsed, and 7.42.W was almost disappointed when he finally destroyed the city.

* * *

Meanwhile, In the afterlife

_Hi Carson!_

_Hello Rodney!_

_So, this is death… Hm, thought it would be worse._

_After a few minutes you get used to it, see. How about some fishing?_

_Sure! Um, and sorry for killing you._

_Haha, it's alright, never mind. Always look on the bright side of death as they say over here!_

* * *

**What if …**

**Rodney found no way to save himself?**

* * *

"Thank you … all.."

His body slowly faded away, transforming into pure energy.

It felt strange to be left behind like this, not even a body to mourn or a grave to visit. John couldn't take his eyes of the empty bed, expecting his friend to pop up again any minute, grinning like a madman as usual when succeeding. Only this journey led to a place of no return. After a few minutes, John simply left the infirmary, not looking back at his friends. There was no reason to be sad, right? He had made it, that crazy man really had ascend. Probably driving the ancients nuts already. So why was he so damn sad about it?

"Uncle Meredith?"

"Well, actually, I'd like to be called Rodney better, Madison. Is your Mommy home?"

"No, she has gone shopping. But Daddy's here! Daaaddy!"

"Shh, it's okay, I just wanted to speak to your Mom, but maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all... Just tell her… tell her I love her, and you too. Tell her I really do.

"Uncle Rodney...?"

But he had gone already.

"Madison? Who are you talking to?"

Caleb could have sworn he heard his daughter talk to somebody, but the room was empty except for the girl. Madison had dragged a stool over to a shelf, and tried to reach a small wooden figure on the very top.

"You want to have that one?"

He picked up his daughter with ease, lifting her up so she could reach it.

"Daddy…"

"Yes Madison?"

"Will uncle Rodney visit us again?"

He didn't know why she'd suddenly come up with that one, and laughing he kissed her on the forehead.

"Of course he will sweetie, sooner or later he'll drop by again, you'll see."

Her little face brightened up, and she hugged him closely.

"Can we ask him to stay next time?"

"Of course we can. But now let's start making dinner, your Mom will be back soon."

Carefully they placed the figure back into on the shelf, next to the miniature Buddha.

"How about some tofu chicken?"


	35. Road trip

* * *

**What if …**

**Ronon made a trip to earth?**

* * *

The SGC bunker wasn't much different from the underground facilities he had seen so far, maybe it bit more advanced. Ronon followed Sheppard through the halls, slightly uncomfortable in the so called casual clothes Teal' C had lent him. Why did he have to dress different anyway? None of the planets he had visited so far had bothered about appearances that much. Earth had to be really something.

"So, where are we going?"

Sheppard shrugged, confirming their ID as they passed the tunnel.

"Wherever you wanna go... I though about showing you a bit around, maybe some small towns. So - what'd you think of earth?"

Ronon nodded, confused and blinded by the sudden brightness after hours inside the bunker.

Looking around, he saw nothing but barbwire and military people, guarding a rocky plateau. So, Earth wasn't at all like he had imagined it. It was just a boring dessert planet after all.

* * *

'WRUUUUM'

Sheppard just let the truck pull over, not really minding the large vehicle - until he noticed Ronon's look.

"You okay buddy? It was just an average truck - okay, monster truck in fact. But it's okay, just normal to see those out here, sort of unofficial testing route. Nothing to worry about."

Ronon could only nod, a big grin plastered all over his face, his eyes huge like a child ones on Christmas eve.

So this was nothing but an _ordinary_ monster truck? Hu. Maybe Earth was cool after all.

* * *

"Okay, that is a cinema."

"Cinema?"

"Yes, where you watch films on a huge screen, with great sound systems and popcorn, it's really cool."

"What is this?"

Ronon arched an eyebrow, pointing his thumb on a huge poster. It showed a hairy black monster on a huge building, circled by planes.

Sheppard was grinning, reading the title.

"Hey, it's a remake – classic, tell you – of King Kong. Well, we have enough time, wanna see it?"

Ronon shrugged, not really minding spending a few hours in a cool room watching some strange earth tale.

Maybe he would understand the Tau'ri better afterwards.

* * *

"That was cool, those dinosaurs fighting and stuff! I really have to get the DVD once it's out. Ha, McKay will be so envious, for he will be bored out of his mind all day stuck in the infirmary. Uhm - You okay Ronon?"

Sheppard watched the Satedan closely, noticing how he hadn't touched his fried chicken and coke at all, constantly staring over his shoulder. John risked a quick glance, and suddenly understood his confusion.

"Um, Ronon, you see…"

"That's a … man, right?"

"Um, yeah… it's … uhm…"

Damn, of all things he really didn't plan Ronon to see whilst on Earth – why did it have to be Drag queen!!

* * *

Ronon sighed heartily, finishing his third peppermint-chocolate ice cream sundae.

Sheppard was flirting with the waitress, ordering his second ice coffee. Earth wasn't so bad after all - lots of food, no one shooting at him, no Wraith, and dozens of good looking girl lingering in around them, giggling and winking at him.

But all good things had come to an end, he should have known.

"Hey, lets go to the new theme park, it's just a few streets down here. If you enjoy speed and wild rides, you will love it."

If Ronon only had said no…

* * *

"Sorry buddy."

"It's … alright."

Ronon groaned, hoping the nausea would soon pass away.

"You never got sick before on a Puddle jumper, so I thought…"

"Yeah."

"Sorry."

Sheppard looked really sorry. Maybe the roller coaster hadn't been such a good idea after all.

"If you're feeling better, we can try the shooting galleries, okay?"

Ronon cracked an eye open. All of a suddenly, he started to wonder if McKay got sick on purpose.

* * *

"What is it good for?"

"Um, well, some people just like it a bit … decorated down there."

"Why?"

John rubbed his temple, trying to come up with a answer fitting for the rather innocent question what intimate piercings were good for.  
If he hadn't already shooed the chick away, he would still be tempted to kill her for hitting on Ronon while he was on the toilet.

She must have been really drunk, and Ronon was after all a good looking guy, okay – but why did she have to tell him that kind of stuff? It was not like Sheppard would allow his Chewie to have a one night stand anyway , too much paper work included.

"Let's say, some people think it's a turn on, okay?"

"Is it?"

Sheppard felt tempted to order another beer and get solid drunk. God, they still had the whole night ahead of them.

* * *

Elizabeth was not surprised at all to get a call on her mobile phone five o' clock in the morning. Nor was she surprised to hear that half of her top team would not show up before dinner at all.

Only the fact not John, but Ronon made the call bothered her. Before falling asleep, she made herself a note to give her military CO a curfew for his next earth trip, for his own good.

Making herself comfortable on the couch, Elizabeth hoping she and Teyla wouldn't be too hangover in the morning. Sheppard would tease them to no end.

Man, the whole show-the-aliens-your-planet-thing could be really exhausting if done right.


	36. Bad Heir Day

* * *

_**What if ..**_

**...John was the hair – uhm, heir of Atlantis?**

* * *

"Damn! Stop it!!"

John was yelling at the ceiling, not caring if he got funny looks from all over the mess for his sudden outburst. The air condition eventually stopped, only to softly start up again after a few minutes.

"_Atlantis_!"

The scientists sitting a few tables down exchanged worried looks, not sure whether to laugh or call Heightmeyer, while the marines were rolling on the floor of laugher already.

Cursing, Sheppard left the hall, both embarrassed and infuriated by the city's silly behavior. As if his hair was that special!!

* * *

"McKay!!"

The scientist looked up from his laptop, alarmed by the furious tone in Sheppard's voice. Quickly checking recent projects in his minds for parts that contained 'blowing up solar systems' or 'setting the city on fire', Rodney prepared for the worst.

"Um, yes? You need anything Colonel?"

Looking around, he found everybody had deserted him, the lab cleared except for him and the fuming Colonel.

"Turn. It .Off."

"What?"

"The.City."

"What?"

No, he was not squeaking, definitely not, for he wasn't scared at all. Just like he was not confused at all why the major would wear a black hoodie jacket and ask him to turn of the whole city.

"No the whole damn city, just damn AI or what ever it is, okay? Just – just turn her the fuck off!"

McKay felt sweat trickle down his neck. Was it just him or was it getting hotter by the minute in here? It felt like the room was on fire.

"Her? What the hell are you talking about? And of course, if John Sheppard asks me to turn of the entire city, I will just do ot? What the hell is wrong with you? Shouldn't you see Carson or Heightmeyer stead of me?"

Sheppard pulled of his thick hood. Rodney was surprised to feel the temperature dropped back to normal immediately. He was even more stunned to see the lights flicker and the doors opened when John ruffled his hair. The man always had to show off his ATA gene, didn't he?

"Stop doing that John."

"I'm not doing anything, don't you get it? It's the damn city! It's obsessed with my hair!"

Sheppard would have been the first to go on and laugh at the look on McKay's face, if Atlantis hadn't started up the air condition yet again to ruffle his hair even more.

"DAMN IT! I said STOP! Will you help me or not?"

Rodney nodded, at a loss of words. This was incredible! The city was sentinent!!

* * *

"O-ka-y... So she's the real thing, hu?"

Exhausted, McKay slumped down on the floor, glad to sit still for just a few minutes. It had been two days since Sheppard came to him for help, and the city was still miles ahead of them.

"You okay, Radek?"

The spots on his forehead were slowly fading, and except for a few bruises matching Rodney's, Radek would be okay. Hopefully.

More so once they got the hell out of here and freed Sheppard from Atlantis clutches.

"I start to hate the city, I really do!"

Rodney didn't quite make out the rest, for it was a mess of English and rather violent Czech, but he felt much the same.

"Okay, so far we have tried to reprogram her, steal the ZPM back, disable air condition, showers and force fields, dial out, fly Sheppard to the mainland and last but not least send a beacon to Earth to send over the Daedalus. Any other ideas?"

"Except for bomb the city and try swim to the shore? No."

"That's not much of a plan Radek."

"Better idea? Maybe one that does not include me getting attacked by an ancient hair dryer?"

The lights started to flicker again, and Rodney began to wonder how long Atlantis was going to keep this up. He could tell she was starting to get angry at them, not quite understanding why they tried so hard to manipulate her. But nothing had worked so far in stopping the wanna-be barberella.

Now it was up to Sheppard to save himself and his hair. The last image Rodney got from his friend before he was shut out was one of him being strapped down in the control chair with some strange devices floating around his head. Rodney was quite sure the city would not harm the Colonel; but his hair he was a complete different story.

* * *

"Okay lady, one last time – let go of me!!"

The city only chirped delighted but didn't stop combing his hair, humming busy whilst running scanners through it. John tried to buckle against the seat, slip his hands out of the cuffs, or just kick anything, but it was futile. Glancing around for anything he might use to free himself, he caught a image of himself in a reflecting control panel. He felt closer to fainting than ever before.

"_Blond_?"

* * *

'_What the hell is going on here?'_

Logics voice thundered through the circuits, causing lower functions to flicker. He had just gone to reboot himself for a few days, and now the whole city was a complete mess! Why couldn't he have some normal secondary AIs?

Defense had at least the grace to flash her alarm lights and look a bit ashamed, but life support still kept on giggling.

'_We just wanted to test if his hair really is … human.'_

'_Yes, human, yes. Giggle'_

Logics didn't even bother to dim his voice, calling up several surveillance videos to demonstrate his point.

'_Yes, right,_ testing_. So, you had to suck his hair into the air condition, rewire his hair dyer to hurricane strength, zap him with high voltage to get his hair stick up and set off sprinklers to test if it would still remain up when wet? Then you had to catch him, shut down all other parts of the city as to keep his friends out; Wash and dry his hair, comb him using device number 42.001.5A which has not been intended for human hair; Use special conditioner and ancient super gel on him, dye his hair in all different tones known to mankind and finally _curl_ his hair?!'_

The two girls looked at him at a loss of data.

'_Uhm… well… we're sorry…'_

'_Uhm…yes...'_

Logics felt his boot program run lapses, but he didn't allow himself to go on auto pilot.

'_Okay. That will be two million seconds of limited access to both of you – and as for you, life support – no more repairs by McKay for you, I'll get the 'rookies' to do it; To you Self defense, if you ever try to use your sensors for anything else but picking up enemies from the outside, I will show you some attacks not even you can block out. Understood?'_

'_Understood and copied Sir.'_

'_Okay, now go and reset the city to normal status! I deal with the heir of the ancestors.'_

'_You mean __hair__ Sir.'_

He glared at Life support, wishing he could override his programing and struggle her.

'_Go. And don't you ever come back into my Hard drive!'_

Feeling their presence download, he sighed and turned to fix the poor human still stuck in the control chair.

'_What I'm just gonna do with you…'_

Mumbling, Logics started to searching the database for barber information. At least there was little left he could ruin after what his secondary AIs had done to the poor human, right?

* * *

"Sorry Elizabeth, but I'll be gone to earth for – let's say two months."

"But – John – why?"

She stared at the hooded man, not quite understanding. She had just gotten back from Earth, and now her CO wanted to leave? What the hell had happened in her absence?

"No discussion, I'm taking this vacation, no matter what. Don't worry, I will definitely be back. I just need some time… um, for my own."

"But you can't just leave!"

He glared at her, his voice almost a growl.

"I can and will. So far, see you Dr Weir."

He just had left the office, and was on the way back to his quarters, when Lorne crossed his way, grinning broadly at him.

Damn, wasn't there anybody in the city left except Liz not knowing about '_IT_'?

"Good Morning, Elvis."

Argh!

"Sir Elvis to you Lorne. Be ready for sewer duty on my return"

Oh, John was so going to sink the city when he came back!!


	37. Make up!

* * *

**What if...**

**... some Atlanteans could transform into Sailor Senshi?**

* * *

John tried to look not to disgruntled. He was so not recording a stupid 'educational' video for new recruits, but better than having them faint on the spot once they got here. There was only so much of absurdities a human mind could cope with before shutting down. Oh, no, not like his status was strange or ridiculous at all... Yeah, right maybe they would lose their minds for he was cool?!

Though, after all, he was a super hero all things considered…

"Hello! My name is John Sheppard, and I am 40 years old. My zodiac sign is Capricorn. I like to play golf and fly puddle jumpers, and believe it or not – I have magical powers!

One day, I saved a mysterious cat who was being hunted by some alien bullies, and she said I was chosen to fight all evil in the Pegasus galaxy. Get used to it, this is Pegasus, things like that happen all the time. She gave me a bracelet, and on saying 'Power of Atlantean crystal make up', I can transform into the mighty Sailor Sheppard. Using my special powers, I protect the city of Atlantis and it's population, keeping them save from all harm.

Oh, there are more of us! Here come my friends. That's Carson Beckett, he is a nice guy, working really hard and being the Doc round here. He might not like it, but he can also change into a Sailor! He is Sailor Beckett! And the big guy over there with the impressive hair is my friend Ronon Dex. He is really strong and doesn't even have to transform to defeat our enemies or beat you up, mind my words. Well, and all together, we are the invincible Sailor Team!! Yes!"

The camera beeped once more, and John felt he really had to give Bates some credit for not bursting out in laugher.

"Are we done here?"

"Yes Sir."

"Good. If you make any copies of this, I will kill you personally."

"Yes Sir."

The doors had barely closed, when the marine broke down, laughing so hard he had to cry.

* * *

"Lock out Sailor Ronon!!"

Sailor Sheppard showered the monster with Magic bullets, but the thing just refused to go down. Sailor Beckett was busy trying to get Zelenka into safety, so it was only the two of them against a really nasty demon.

Not even Sailor Ronon's thunder bolt punch had managed to knock the Wraith out. Just as Sailor Sheppard found himself out of bullets, starting to panic as the monster came closer and closer, a scarlet rose flew across the room, stopping the Wraith dead in his tracks. Out of the shadows, a masked woman stepped, smiling mysteriously.

"This is no way to threat such handsome young man, my friend."

Sailor Sheppard couldn't help himself but grin stupidly, and even Sailor Ronon smirked at the familiar sight.

"Thank you, Tuxedo woman! Okay now, Wraith! You asked for it! _Military Moon Boot Kick_!"

The demon went down with a heavy thud. Sailor Beckett returned just in time to change it back.

"Sailor Beckett, now!"

"What? Oh, aye… Retrovirus spray freeze!!"

Blue bubbles started to fill the room, and the Wraith whined in agony, transforming back into a human and releasing the energy he had stolen.

"Is he down?"

The Scott closed his eyes each time he released an attack, not even aiming properly; But as long as he actually hit the enemy, Sailor Sheppard would not address this matter or make fun of in public. Not to much.

"Yes, he is. Would you mind checking on Zelenka? We'll the ex-Wraith him into one of the cells meanwhile."

"Aye, thanks."

Sighing, Sailor Sheppard transformed back into his human form. He would never hear the end of it if MiniRadek was hurt, and he really couldn't bear ChibiKay's ranting right now.

The natives were cheering, everybody praising the braveness and power of the Sailor team, hugging them as they said good bye. Weir was pleased to see the huge amount of fruits and grains they brought back home. Carson and Ronon immediately set off to the infirmary to treat Ronon's broken arm, leaving Lorne and Sheppard alone in the gate room.

"Uhm… good job, um … Sir."

The man was a bit pale, and John remembered Lorne had been less than a week on the ancient city before this particular mission. Of course he hadn't seen the Sailor Team in action before. John couldn't blame him for staring, eyes huge like saucers.

"You okay Lorne?"

"Permission to speak free, Sir?"

"Granted Major."

"Isn't it … uncomfortable?"

Sailor Sheppard swore he heard ChibiKay laugh, maybe he awas hiding somewhere behind the consoles again. For being a future son of his, the boy really did lack respect and manners... Well, but it wasn't like Lorne didn't have a point. Whilst the knee high military boots were kinda cool - the kevlar miniskirt was really itchy, not to mention hilarious.

And the white blouse combined with the black security vest was definitely too warm when running for your life. But worst of all were these ridiculous gloves and the silver tiara. And why was he the only Sailor wearing one?

Beckett's blue and white outfit wasn't that bad - and after all he was used to wearing skirts being a Scott; And Ronon looked almost good in leather and linen. Even Tuxedo woman, whoever she was, had a decent costume.

Only he had to look like … like …. Well, like the way he did! Bimbolike! Damn, he was a commander after all! He couldn't run round playing super warrior...

"Well, if it helps to fight off the Wraith and save our collective asses, I'd say it's not so bad... And will you shut up ChibiKay!!"

ChibiKay darted out from underneath a console and ran away giggling, Lantis-P floating after him.

Teyla purred at John's feet, trying to console him, her soft brown fur brushing against his army pants. He was usually not one to dwell on things that could be changed, but the cat noticed the sad look in his eyes.

"Oh Teyla… couldn't you have chosen another air force pilot instead? You know, there are so many out there, why did it have to be me, I just want to be a ordinary pilot... nothing more."

Weir watched him retreat, and went over to pick up the cat. If he only knew he was not the only one wishing things were different on Atlantis.

* * *

"Hey, what's up little guy?"

ChibiKay sniffled loud, trying to stop the tears flowing down his face. He was angry, angry at stupid John, angry at Zelenka and Weir and everybody else.

"Go away!"

John arched an eyebrow, and sat down on the floor to be on eye level with the boy. He had not seen him this upset since Radek hat turned into the evil Master Nine and tried to get make a energy cloud named pharaoh 99 come into this world.

"So, why did you run away? Everybody was worried you know. And it was kinda rude, ChibichibiRod just tried to be nice to you…"

Hearing him sniffle even louder, everything just clicked into place. How could John have been so blind?

"Look, we all love you, and you know that. Okay, you steal candy, and annoy the hell out of us, and never listen to one thing I say – but you are also brave, kind and brilliant. You really don't think we like ChibichibiRod better than you?"

ChibiKay's bottom lip was trembling as he tried to hold back the tears.

"But … he can transform into a Sailor… and he is funny and nice, and … and … hick…he could save … hick… he could…"

John pulled the boy into a firm embrace. Sometimes he forgot what horrible memories the little guy had, who had traveled back through time to steal their sacred ZPM crystal to save his parents – him – and his friends.

"It's okay ChibiKay, it's okay… we'll make this work… I promise…"

And if he had to kill each and single Wraith with his own hands, Sailor Sheppard would not let anybody ruin his future!

* * *

"Sailor Sheppard! Please don't do this!"

"Don't worry ChibiKay, I will not die."

The control throne hummed softly, and the city generously offered him her very last reserves.

"I will end this war, for once and all. Don't be afraid."

His smiled was so friendly it made ChibiKay and Teyla panic even more. The Daedalus hovered in the Lantean orbit, waiting for the right moment to launch it's weapons to sink the run over city.

"Dad! Hermiod, beam me down again! He's gonna die! Please!"

But Atlantis was already powering up, using all her remaining strength for one last strike. The battle was going to end here and now, no more of his friends would die. He had lost Sailor Ronon and Beckett, and Tuxedo Woman; He would not let the Wraith take away any more of his precious beloved ones.

"Power of Atlantean Crystal, Make up!!"

And the world turned white around him…

* * *

"Will they remember anything?"

"No, I don't think so."

Teyla smiled, taking ChibiKay's hand. She had returned to her human form, and planned to move to the mainland with the boy to make him grow up normally.

They watched Ronon spare with John, and Carson wrap a sprained ankle; Elizabeth was working on some projects, and Radek supervised the new power control systems. And they all look very, very happy.

"Shall we go?"

"Yes. Do you think I will ever see Sailor Sheppard again?"

"Maybe, one day. I'm sure, if the evil is going to awake again in this world, Sailor Sheppard will be there to fight it."

Yes, Sailor Sheppard would return to save the world again if he was needed... or if John was dumb enough to say the magic formula out loud. But she didn't tell ChibiKay so, praying Sheppard would finally get the normal life he always longed for.

* * *

"Hey, Ronon, why do you have the same bracelet I do?"

"Hm."

"Funny, looks kinda … ancient…"

"I have noticed Beckett wearing a similar one."

"Now I'm curious. I don't even recall putting it on. Maybe Elizabeth can translate the readings for us?"

Ronon shrugged, and followed Sheppard out of the gym. What damage could be done by checking out a wristband after all?


	38. Men at arms

* * *

**What if ...**

** John lost an arm?**

* * *

"We will have to operate now, before it is too late. He'll bleed to death within minutes, we have to get him free! If we wait for the rescue team to get through the debris, he won't make it."

"But – we have no anesthetics! We can't do this!"

"I'm afraid we have no choice. Let's hope he will faint soon... Get the strongest marine you can find to hold him. If you can hear me John - listen, I'm really sorry to have to do this. But there's no other way of saving you life - Thank you Shelly. You are Tommy, right? Just hold him down, like this. Put this gag between his teeth, or he'll bite his tongue. Now, hand me the Gigli's saw…"

The bright torch lights hurt his eyes, and illuminated the crimson blood drops on Biro's mask. The pain was bad, even though he had thought his arm was already gone. The actual amputation didn't take long, and he lost consciousness after a few seconds.

He wish desperately to not have to wake up again.

* * *

A tiny little crystal breaking free, swirling like a leaf through the air. What damaged could it possible do...

Only five feet above the ground, the engine exploded.

Fire. Red Blood and dark flames, hot red pain all. He could see the jumper bay through the broken window, people running towards him, trying to kill the fire, free him, save him. His arm was stuck between the torn metal, he couldn't feel his hand any more…

"He's waking up – get Cole ! Hey John, how you're feeling?"

_What does it look like, McKay _would have been his automatic response, if his mouth hadn't refused to cooperate, his tongue feeling like wet rotten cotton . The world was warm and fuzzy, and John was grateful for invention of painkillers once again. He saw the timid smile on McKay's face, and the friendly faces of the doctors – Beckett no longer amongst them, he still had to wrap his head round that fact – and knew something was wrong. Fortunately, he didn't really care at the moment, and slipped back into the velvet dark.

* * *

Being a pilot was a risky job. If you were good, you survived long enough to regret you became a pilot. If you weren't that good you were dead before you ever could regret your choices... Nevertheless you still loved being a pilot to your final breath.

Given the dangers one might face as common solider, being pilot was easy – either one was alive and in one piece, or be dead and crispy. At least on earth things had been like this. Being severely wounded in a plane crash and survive crippled had never been an option he had to worry about.

Crash, bleed to death or be roasted, die. Not crash, bleed, lose your right arm and _survive_.

* * *

"You're already cleared?"

Teyla was leaning in his doorway, smiling timidly. She had been on the mainland when the jumper broke down, and had not been able to see him yet.

"Not for real, I just couldn't stand the infirmary any longer. Cole and Biro finally kicked me out, if I promised I would only be lying on my back and be stare at my rooms ceiling. How's been your trip?"

His waxen parlor and the missing limb did probably scare her, but she was polite enough to hide her uneasiness.

"It was good to see my men again. The children have become so big, I almost didn't recognize Eli. They told me this year's harvest will be the best and richest ever."

"Good."

John knew she would not leave him alone because he fell silent. She enjoyed sitting completely still for hours, and if she thought her presence might comfort him, Teyla would stay for days by his side. Shooing her away like that wouldn't work.

"Teyla. Would you please leave? I'm tired."

"Sure John. But I will come back. You're not alone."

"I wish I was."

He had turned his head to look out of the window.

* * *

John Sheppard was the only one missing on the _Goodbye John_ party. He did not want to hear about the progress of the replicator cell project, not able to stand the hope in the scientist's eyes when they were talking about the unbelievable regeneration capability of nanobots...

Or talks about the repairs and upgrades on the new jumpers, making them safer and more stable...  
It hurt more than the amputation itself. The stump was healing nicely, the cut having been clean and no after ward infection setting in, and thank god, he wasn't feeling any phantom pains at all.

But the wounds of his soul weren't that easy to treat. John would never be the same person again.

His room was dark, and for a moment Elizabeth got the feeling of a deja-vu. He was sitting there, staring at his mirror, radiating aggression. A complete different person.

"Hi John. May I come in."

"Sure, have a seat."

The empty sleeve had been pinned up, emphasizing the loss even more vividly. She found herself being unable to look at him.

"So, how you're feeling?"

"Fine. Just fine. And you?"

He had no mercy on her, not helping her out of this awkward situation.

"Oh, quite good."

The silence was deafening.

"See, I came here to talk to you about-"

"Never mind, I'll leave on the Daedalus next week. I already wrote my resignation letters – even though it took longer than I thought with only my left hand."

"You don't have to do this John."

He laughed, humorless and bitter.

"You don't really mean what your saying. Elizabeth. There's nothing left to do for me, and I don't want your pity. Let's face the facts, a one-armed military CO is of as much use as brain dead scientist. You forget this ain't some cozy holiday in for invalids, we do have to fight for our life. We're at war, and I have become a burden. If I stay, I'll only endanger the city. And you too."

His words stung, being logical and leaving no room for arguments.

"So, you really want to go."

"I have to go. And you should do so too. Goodbye Elizabeth."

"Goodbye John."

She found herself crying the moment she got out of his quarters.

* * *

"Hey, does anybody want to watch The Reeker tonight? Lorne says it's quite good!"

McKay was trying hart to sound cheerful, praying the others would play along.

"Maybe."

"Hn."

"That's three. You with us John?"

Their smiles had a hard time staying in place when being confronted with that look again.

"Oh, yeah sure. I heard there's even a scene when somebody's arm gets torn off. I would love to see that!"

Their faces fell, and they probably exchanged some worried looks - but he didn't bother. John knew how hard this had to be on his friends, for none of them deserved him being such an ass. But it was easier to leave knowing they wouldn't miss him.

* * *

"Uhm – hi."

"Hi McKay."

John didn't need to turn around to know it was him, just like he knew the man would not leave until he had apologized.

"I'm – uh – sorry."

_There he goes._

"I know this sounds lame, but if I had not asked you to-"

"It's okay Rodney. You and I both know it's not your fault. Unless you are responsible for the construction of Atlantis and current status."

_Damn_. McKay didn't answer that one, and John knew he had just said the wrong thing. Sighing, he carefully stood up, trying to find his balance, and turned around, facing his friend. The sun was still warm in his back, and the soft red sunset light made Atlantis look like some huge piece of expensive jewelery.

"Look, even if we had reconstructed the whole city, this might have happened. It was just bad luck, no one's fault. So stop blaming yourself, cause nobody does."

Walking away felt like running away, but John had no strength left. He just had to get away from here. Forever.

* * *

"Where's Ronon?"

"I last saw him heading for the east dock, why do you ask?"

"I just wanted to ask him something, about –uh- fishing, yeah, fishing."

Arching a eyebrow, Teyla didn't press further and let him slip away.

Holding the golf club like a log, the Sadetan tried to hit the tiny white ball without ruining the ground below. Sheppard had done this a bit differently, but he could not remember the trick of smacking the ball right. Rodney watched him for some time before he opened the door and stepped into the clear ocean air.

"The aim of the game is not to kill the ball, but to get it into the hole. Or the ocean just in case. Shall I show you how it's done?"

Ronon stepped aside and handed him the club.

"Hold it like this, and bow. Then you put your arms like this and bend your knees and – see, it's quite easy. Try it."

The ball raced across the water before finally hitting the surface.

"That's a start I'd say."

"We don't have a lot of balls left."

"So you can count."

"I doubt the Daedalus will bring any over."

"And I do not know any planets in this system trading any."

"Me either."

Another ball splashed into the ocean.

"What did you think of earth? Did you like it?"

"It's an interesting place. You have some strange foods."

Splash.

"I have at least three weeks vacation left. I would like to visit some friends of mine. I might call in some old favors and eventually get some tickets for the US golfing opens."

The ball flew so wide Rodney could see it hit the waters.

"I'll pack my things."


	39. X to the ATA

* * *

**This is no real 'What if', because it's no story.  
But I didn't want to make this a new story or delete it, thus you find it in here.  
**

* * *

**What if ...**

**SGA was set in the X-men universe??**

* * *

Jack O'Neill would be bald and sitting a wheelchair, constantly prying everybody's mind and would prefer being called Professor O

Daniel Jackson would be a very silent guy, wear red glasses and have no humor at all

A kiss of Samantha Carter could kill you, she would have a foible for green clothes and none of her knowledge was really hers

Elizabeth Weir would let her red hair grow out, be a groupie for O'Neill, go insane occasionally and try to destroy the universe, and have many kids running around, all from different alternative time lines where she and Jack got killed

Vala would dye her hair white, be a kleptomaniac (_no change on that so to say_) and would found a cult of her own, making loads of money by doing some weather manipulation (_cough… again_)

John Sheppard would have extendable claws, be grumpy as hell all the time and smoke cigars that could kill a Wraith

Rodney McKay would be able to invent everything he could imagine, but would consist of a rather vast amount of scrap metal due to the various blow-ups caused by his fellow super heroes

Carson Beckett would accidentally grow a blue fur after doing a test on himself, love to imitate Tarzan and purr on having his hair ruffled

Ronon Dex would be a sensitive painter, have two siblings and wear a strange wrestling outfit which only looks decent when he changes into organic steel (_him trying to beat up Sheppard would be fun for real now_)

Radek Zelenka would be a funny blue, fuzzy guy, get called 'elf' by his friends and be so deeply religious he would turn down Giselle Buendchen to become a priest

Teyla Emmagan would be a powerful sorceress, have a nice sword, be wearing a really shinny costume and kill demons

Acastus Kolya's code name would be really '_sinister_', his make-up would be very heavy and no matter what you did to kill him, he'd always show up again

Aiden Ford would be able to run extraordinary fast, be Kolya's illegitimate son and become addicted to an alien drug over losing his original powers

Teal'C would wear a M on his forehead, use a gigantic energy storing weapon and distrust each and everybody, suspecting them to be a future traitor

Evan Lorne would have a pretty wings, look like Barbie's friend, have loads of money and would be dating a body switching Asian psycho chick with tendencies to wander evil realms

Chuck would have at least eight siblings, be a cute but utter dork and rip everybody off by playing poker

Kate Heightmeyer would have to re-dye her hair each time after taking a shower (_green not being much of a fashion trend nowadays_), have a husband who tends to disappear for ages, suffer from an huge father complex

Laura Cadman would be a rather unsuccessful pop singer, wearing silly costumes and the make up of famous rock bands and marry an insane guy from another universe and go off with him to raise a bunch of mini-mutants he claims are not his

Dr Kavanagh would be a female shape shifter in disguise to undermine the expedition, either sleeping with people to get his her way, or blowing them up

Dr Biro would be captivated by Apocalypse and be turned into the Horseman Pestilence. Not that she would mind it actually…


	40. Fair world

* * *

**What if ...**

**Stargate Atlantis had been produced by Disney?**

* * *

Disclaimer: I have no rights, I'm making no money and little reviews - so be kind, don't wind... (Ab)Use of Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Ariele

* * *

"Damn, they are really going to hand Teyla and Rodney over to te Wraith!"

Sheppard knew he would be dead more often than not if he did – but just this time he wished he had believed Rodney.

"Any ideas how we get them out of there?"

Ronon was still busy trying to modify his tuxedo suit, the one the natives had made him wear on the 'ball'. Everything had seemed perfect, until the chief announced the hive ship was already sending down the darts and ordered his guards to hold the 'heretic' down until Wraith were close enough to sweep them up. So much for hospitality – if he and Ronon hadn't (accidentally of course) kept their pistols, they would have been caught too.

"Teyla still has a knife."

Ronon was already unlocking his gun and set for the small castle. Sheppard raised an eyebrow.

"And how is that going to help them? Or us? You really don't want to go in there and say '_he, get us, here we are_' and hope Teyla will meanwhile free herself and stab – uhm like about thirty Wraith in the back?"

The huge Satedan smiled at his team leader; it was a dangerous, calm smile, reading 'beware, evil, evil killer machine'.

"Sheppard - can you sing?"

* * *

Sheppard did trust his team to survive almost anything. They had become the best in almost-but-not-quite-dying, and all four of them were smart enough to know when to run _real fast_. So, why again were he and Ronon now stepping into a ball room, facing thirty Wraith and about as many natives, who held their team mates captive – while they themselves were equipped with nothing but a empty gun and a half loaded stunner?

Ah, now he remember! They did this to impress the Wraith and pull a off one hell of a camouflage.  
He was so dead.

"Hello, friends!!"

Rodney stared at him horrified, as if he was a really bad hallucination, and John couldn't really blame him. Hopefully, at least Teyla did get the idea.

"Haaaalluau! If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat –  
Eat my buddy Ronon here because he is a treat!  
Come on down and munch, on this tasty hunk, all you have to do is get your lunch!  
Aaaare you achin' foooor some bacon? Heeee's a big guy - You could be a big guy too!"

A few seconds of stunned silence followed, with both humans and Wraith unsure what to do. Only when the big town clock started to strike midnight, everybody seemed to get a grip again.

"AHHHHHHH!! RUN!"

* * *

"Hurry Rodney! We have to got faster!!"

The clock stroke for the fifth time, barely audible through the shrill howling of the Wraith darts and the yells of the Wraith drones behind them.

"Ah! Damn, not now!!"

Teyla turned round to see Rodney desperately trying to get his left boot free, who had chosen right this moment to remain stuck underneath an oak tree root. The clock stroke ten.

"Rodney! We have no time for this!!"

he scientist stumbled after her after he slipping out of his boot, cursing each time he stepped on pointy rocks or a stick.

"Sheppard - is - so – going – to – pay – for – THIS!"

Finally spotting the familiar blue light of the event horizon, the two of them sped up, barely making it through the gate before the clock stroke twelve.

* * *

The Wraith commander bent down to pick up a shoe.

"Hm… size 8… I wonder who this shoe might belong to?"

* * *

Elizabeth locked her quarters behind her, and step out into the bright hall way.

"Trallala. ... Good morning!"

The marine stopped and saluted.

"Good morning, ma'am!"

"It's alright, you don't have to do that – this is a civil expedition after all."

"Yes ma'am!"

He saluted again, even more stiffly this time.

Dr Weir continued her way to the gate room, singing softly to herself.

"Atlantis … it's a quiet city …. Every day … Like the one before .. Atlantis … Full of weirdest people …Waking up to say…"

"Good morning, Dr Weir!"

"Good morning, Dr Weir!"

"Good morning, Dr Weir!"

"There goes the chef with her tray, like always …the same athosian bread and rolls for us every day … Every morning just the same ..Since the morning that we came .. To this ancient city Atlantis…"

Several young scientists were already waiting for her in front of her office, obviously sleep deprived and badly craving for coffee, smiling a little bit too brightly.

"Good morning, Dr Weir! May I use a puddle jumper, testing a new artefact we found?

"Good morning, Dr Weir! I can't help critic the way the marines use the labs as pound!"

"Good morning, Dr Weir! Dr McKay has forbidden us to work on the ZPM!"

"Good morning, Dr Weir! Why do we have to work until 2 o'clock am?"

"One right after the other, please!"

More than just little bit annoyed, Elizabeth shut the glass doors of her office, grateful for the short lived moment of silence. Unfortunately, she had to talk to the various scientists and other staff showing up soon – for they all could see her through the glass panels, doing nothing at all.

Sighing, she opened her thermos bottle, inhaling the sweet smell of fresh, hot coffee.

"Why can't I at least meet some prince charming, to make up for all this? We're in an alien galaxy after all… there has to be someone around ... Ah, I should just give up already…. Dr Watson, please come in!"

* * *

Several levels below, the chef meanwhile desperately tried to catch a mad tea pot and an ancient candle stick, unaware of the cups and ovens humming softly too…

* * *

"Dr Carson, Dr Carson, emergency in lab 5!"

"Ah, not again… Nurse Franksen, can you finish the bandaging alone?"

"Of course Dr Carson."

He smiled at her, barely stifling a yawn and hurried over to the cabinet, grabbing some fresh supplies.

"If there are any problems, call Dr Biro. Although there shouldn't be any further complications now we took out that nasty splinter. Thank you very much Nurse Franksen!"

Worried, the nurses watch the emergency team around Dr Beckett head out of the infirmary.

"He really should take better care of himself."

"When was the last time he has slept more than 4 hours straight?"

"It's really a shame!"

The atlantean nurses were very protective of their favorite doctor, who was such a nice person he tended to forget he was only human too. And everybody asking for Carson and Carson only in case of emergency didn't make things better…

Nurse Franksen finished the bandage and pulled of her medical gloves.

"Even in his free time they page him!"

Nurse Tomson and Pagat noded.

"Every time he'd find a minute, that's the time that they begin it – Dr Beckett, Dr Beeeeeckeeeett!!

Making herself a cup of tea, Franksen remember the numerous times the scott was called, often in the middle of the night.

"Dr Becket, Dr Beckett, night and day it's Dr Beckett, make some stitches, fix the bones, save some lives, do something for the fever!"

"As if we didn't have other docs too!"

"And the conforming and the checking, they always keep him running!"

"He goes around in circles, till he's very, very dizzy, still they holler-"

"Keep a-busy Dr Beckett!"

Grimly, the nurses recalled all the times their beloved Dr Beckett was called out for something as serious as a splinter, or a stubbed toe.

"We have to help him!"

"Yes, we really have to do something, we can't keep them coming like this!"

"We need to scare them off, for once and all!"

"Right!"

Then, all three of them fell silent. Sure, the idea was great – but it was not like they could shoo patients in need away, or ignore incoming calls… After a while, Nurse Franksen got up and put her cup in the sink.

"I guess we should prepare the operation room, just in case…"

"Hm, that's a good idea…"

"How right you are…"

Sometimes, it was very hard to be a good nurse after all.

* * *

Zelenka wasn't very stubborn, or resentful at all At least not much more than a good scientist had to be to get around in this world.  
But sometimes, even he ran out of patience and goodwill.

Working together with Rodney McKay certainly had some positive aspects – he always managed to wiggle his way out of dangerous situations, and deep inside he also was not so bad at all and tried his best to make sure nobody got hurt by their own stupidity.

But – and this was the biggest **but** Radek had seen in his whole life –** but **he also was a selfish, arrogant bastard who never ever even though about the wellbeing others!

It was Rodney doing calculations wrong and ignoring the laws of physic after all, not Radek - so how could he be so damn self-righteous and take away his project from him!! Radek was more than just a little bit upset about his decisions.

No doubt, he would work on it himself and take all the credit for it! He should have know better than to tell him about the new weapon he was working on.

But there was still one way left to get his project back, and Radek wasn't exactly shy about using it. This was his project after all! The hall ways were damp and barely lit down in area 7, and one could easily lose his way down here…

"Who's there?"

Radek almost dropped his laptop. He really hadn't expected to find her this fast, or to be more precisely, to be found this fast.

"Uhm – are you – Ursula Livéd?"

Her chuckling was the most unpleasant sound he had ever heard.

"Oh, my sweet little one, of course I am – and you must be Dr Zelenka?"

Radek followed the impressive, corpulent woman into her lab.

Strange books and gadgets covered every space in the whole small room, and Radek shuddered think about what these things were able to do.

"So… uhm, can you help me?"

He smile reminded him horrible of his aunt Anja, the one he always had to kiss when she came to visit.

"My dear, sweet Dr Zelenka. That's what I do - it's what I live for! To help unfortunate scientist - like yourself - poor souls with no one else to turn to."

"So you really can help me? I have heard some rather… unpleasant things about your work."

He didn't trust her at all, but she was right – there was no one else he could ask for help.

"Of course I can help you …. I admit that in the past I've been a nasty. They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a bitch. But you'll find that nowadays I've mended all my ways

repented, seen CC+ and made a switch. True? Yes."

She turned on several laptops, and while the monitors came to life, she turned back to Radek.

"And I fortunately know some little hacking, it's a talent that I always have possessed

And here lately, please don't laugh, I use it on behalf of the miserable, lonely and depressed."

"And the consequences?"

"Ah… well - Now it's happened once or twice, someone couldn't pay the price - And I'm afraid I had to send them send across to McKay….Yes, I've had the odd complaint - but up on the whole I've been a saint to those poor unfortunate scientists…Have we got a deal?"

Radek wasn't so sure after all, seeing the cannibalized laptops on the desk.

" If I get caught, I'll never be able to return to Atlantis again."

Ursula smiled broadly.

"But you'll have your project! Life's full of tough choices, innit?"

Her smile showed her perfect pearl white teeth, glittering uncomfortable in the dim blue light.

"Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment, sweetie."

Radek frowned.

" But I don't have any –"

"I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. What I want from you is . . . your coffee supply."

Radek was shocked.

"My whole coffee supply? But – but –"

"You have tea! You have cigarettes! And don't underestimate the importance of earthly pleasures!!"

The sight of Ursula swaying her hips and smiling seductively made Radek wince and wish for something to hide behind.

"So, what do you think, Dr Zelenka? Come on, you poor unfortunate scientist, go ahead!

Make your choice! I'm a very busy woman, and I haven't got all day… It won't cost much. Just your coffee!

You poor unfortunate soul It's sad but true - if you want to cross a bridge, my sweetie, you've got to pay the toll!

Take a gulp and take a breath, and go ahead and say yes!"

Radek shook his head.

"No. Give me back my laptop."

Ursula's face suddenly turned white.

"You – what?!"

"Yes, it's true. Thanks for the over, and sorry for taking your time. But I just can't do without coffee. Uhm – bye!"

The small czech hurried out of the lab, knocking over several book piles in his hasty retreat.

Radek could live with a lost project, with being insulted on a regular basis and even with McKay claiming the idea as his own – but without coffee, there just was no way he could continue living!


	41. Go together like

* * *

**What if ...  
..McKay was allergic against coffee?**

* * *

Betaed by Meliaka and Penny Slade! Thank you very much!

* * *

"You're kidding me! There's no way those readings are correct!!"

McKay's voiced rang through the infirmary, and Dr Keller couldn't help but sigh, feeling the beginnings of one murderous migraine form in her head. Why did this have happen on her duty? It was almost four in the morning after all; no time to be up and arguing. Ninety-nine percent of Atlantis were asleep or shifting cards on screens from one pile to the other, and the most exiting thing that should have happened in the last five minutes of her shift should have been the cleaning of her coffee mug. There was no way she should have been called to the main lab by a panicking assistant to have to perform Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation to the head of science.

And there was no way in hell she should be the one to tell him what had caused his allergic shock – at least not without proper means of protection (as in _big guns, loaded with tranquilizers_).

"I have drunk coffee for my entire life! I can't be allergic all of sudden!

"Dr McKay, I assure you, these readings are correct; we did it four times, and even used the scanner. It is true, so you have developed an allergy against coffee; most likely due to the fact your what might be considered a 'heavy user' on the substance. Unless you want to kill yourself, I strongly advise you to stay away from caffeine."

* * *

"Hey, McKay! The city still up and running?"

It had been the most boring meeting in the history of off-world teams, and somehow Sheppard had almost missed McKay – the not so friendly scientist would have had them running for their lives in a matter of seconds upon seeing the natives clothing and commenting on it.

"You were lucky to stay behind on this one, the Kaolas make you long for a proper Wraith invasion with all of their 'happy merry go happy lovely' attitude. I guess they have secretly invented the ultimate fighting technique - bore your enemy to death with kindness."

Rodney threw him a withering look, and continued to work on the console without any comment.

A taciturn McKay? That was a first...

"You are not still mad us for not taking you with us on this one? But you said yourself you-"

Rodney turned around, growling at him.

"Will you shut up? I'm trying to work here!"

Sheppard frowned, but decided to leave it alone and drop his bag first in his quarters at have a change and something to eat. He could to catch up on the new later on. McKay was angry irritated more often than not, so no need to worry. Might as well be some new recruits fault again.

"Radek?"

The small Czech flinched, apparently not expecting anybody to find him down here. Sheppard didn't have the heart to tell him at least ten other scientists were hiding in the lowest level of Atlantis as well – along with a couple of marines.

"Oh, Colonel Sheppard... You are too looking for a save place?"

Sheppard notice the small pile of MREs and powerbars on the far end of the work bench, and a sleeping bag spread underneath it.

"A save place? What the hell happened those two days I was gone?"

Zelenka stared at him with huge blood-shot blue eyes which made Sheppard wonder if the scientist had slept at all since he'd gone off-world.

"You have not heard of it then? Did nobody tell you?"

"No, so far I haven't managed to get hold of anybody – at first I thought the Asuran's had attacked. It seemed like there was nobody left in the whole city. But I'm guessing it has something to do with McKay?"

Radek flinched at the name, and pressed his laptop to his chest as if it was holy sign to avert evil.

"Oh yes... Something bad happened to him..."

"Something bad? He seemed okay to me ... well, except for the foul mood he is in." Sheppard grinned. "And for McKay, being in a fool mood is normal."

"Foul mood? Foul mood?! You have no idea!"

Hearing him laugh like a madman, Sheppard began to really worry for real. Something bad was going on here, something really, really bad. John reached for his radio.

Radek sobered and pushed his glasses on his nose. "Ah, here, listen wait – it seems McKay has developed an allergy, you see. Apparently, his body has had too much of it, and now he can't drink it anymore without having a reaction. Dr Keller says there is nothing she can do."

Instead of helping Sheppard understand what was going on, this confused him only more.

"He can't drink what anymore Radek?"

"Oh, didn't I say? Coffee. Or anything containing caffeine, you see – including black tea and so."

Despite all tries, John couldn't stifle a laugh.

"Are you telling - are trying to tell me this is all about coffee? You've got to be kidding me? You're are all hiding from McKay, for he's having a bit of a caffeine withdrawal?

This was ridiculous! Of course, McKay could be quite a handful, but for him to scare of the whole base? But Radek seemed to be serious about it.

"You see, at first we too thought this was not bad. Maybe even a good thing, for coffee was the thing that kept him going for hours even after midnight. So – less coffee, less being awake, less yelling in the labs, better for us."

"And what went wrong on that one?"

"As absurd as this might be – he is awake even more!! Look, when he still drank coffee, he got maybe one hour were in he was totally hyper – and then the effect wore off. Until he drank a new cup, he was – depowered, you see?"

Sheppard tried to follow him, though he could not quite follow the logic at work.

"So, the more coffee he drank the calmer he was?"

"No, no – that's not what I mean! At least not like this. He was like a machine without rhythm, you see? Running on high speed for a few hours, thus burning out quickly. Rodney tired himself by working too hard when being on coffee – and then he was tired and calm and went to bed. But since he had drunk so much coffee, he didn't sleep well and got up soon again, but he hadn't rested properly and required coffee to get the motor running."

"_Aha_."

"Yes, you see. But now he is the same all the time – working, working, working, longer than before! He sleeps maybe 6 hours, and then he is back again! He is_ constant _now!"

"You make it sound as if that were a bad thing."

Radek look at him for a moment, wondering whether he was kidding him or not.

"You really have no idea, have you?"

* * *

Though McKay was in his most unpleasant mood every – John had thought he had seen it all – the benefits of his caffeine withdrawal seemed to be worth it anyway. Until Carter came back from her off-world mission with Lorne's team four days later, sixty percent of the critically damaged systems of Atlantis were running again. Sheppard decided to leave the rest to Carter, and scheduled an planet scouting mission for his team the same day – primarily to give the scientists a rest and save Dr Keller and Heightmeyer from doing 26 hours overtime to threat all the hysterical, sleep-deprived Altanteans.

A few days hiking would surely wear McKay out and get him back to normal. Or at least Sheppard thought so.

On the first day, they made about twenty miles, straight from the coast to the feet of the huge mountain range parting the forested part of the continent from the desert. Just as John had predicted, McKay went back to his moaning and nagging self half way to their destination, asking for a break every half hour or so. They had barely set up the tents for the night and rolled out the bags when they discovered Rodney was fast asleep already. They decided to let him sleep, and split the night watch between the three of them.

Soft clattering noises awoke Sheppard early in the morning. Confused, he sat up in the dim morning light and looked around the fire place.

McKay was sitting in front of the tent, typing on his laptop. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I just had this brilliant idea how to reconstruct the laptop batteries so they will last twice as long."

"Huh? What time's it..." Sheppard pulled back the sleeve of his jacket to check the time.

"Somewhere around six o'clock. I think we should wake up Teyla and Ronon in 15 minutes, so we can start walking early."

"Huh? 'Kay..."

While John tried to wake up and get the fire burning again, he couldn't help but wonder if Radek had been right after all. He had spent numerous nights off-world with his team – but this was the first time ever McKay had woken up on his own, and he wasn't even grumpy. It was kinda creepy to see him up at a time like this – and even more willing to continue hiking!

This day they made twenty-five miles, and surprisingly Rodney wasn't the one to ask for a break first – but John himself. After eating lunch and resting a bit, they continued following the river they found, marveling at the strange plants they saw along their way. McKay kept his complaining to a minimum – so much even Ronon was getting worried, taking Sheppard by the side while Teyla and Rodney collected fire wood.

"What's it with McKay? He's keeping up with us, isn't complaining half as much as he used usually does – in fact, he isn't talking much at all. You sure he's not been possessed by some alien?"

"Nah, it's okay. It's just the lack of caffeine talking." Sheppard chuckled. "Hey, if I had known it would be that much of a change, I would have limited his coffee consume a long time ago.!"

They dropped the subject as the other half of the team came back, but that night Sheppard didn't let McKay get away without a night watch. The fact Rodney had gone longer than him without a break bugged him.

It was the evening of the fourth and final day they meet in the dead of the night.

"We should not do this. Rodney is our friend."

Ronon raised an eyebrow. Teyla had sounded more convincing lying to Caldwell about the magnetic shielding.

"Well, it's not like we're doing a conspiracy here. We're just ... worried, that's all."

"Maybe I should break his leg."

"Ronon!"

"Don't you think it's odd? Today he walked 30 miles without complaining even once! I was the one who had to ask for a break! I say he is an evil alien! We should kill him while he sleeps! This isn't our McKay."

"He is! We should be glad his condition improved; from now on we do not have to worry about him breaking down after 2 miles hiking when planning a mission."

"Yeah... I bet soon he will start sparing with me and win!"

Sheppard couldn't help but shudder at the thought. Ronon was right; this new go-without-coffee Rodney was more machine than human. Rodney was functioning, not living. Finally he got what Radek was trying to tell him – the problem was not McKay being in a bad mood. It was him being in no mood at all! He just worked, worked, and worked, removing obstacle after obstacle from his path, without joy or anger.

"Okay. Once we get back to Atlantis, we will solve this. Somehow we need to get back our old Rodney."

Teyla agreed. "Yes, we will."

* * *

"I could still break his leg."

"Ronon!"

"So, no chocolate, no coffee, no tea."

"Couldn't you prescribe him some amphetamine?"

"It would get him addicted and could even kill him in the long run."

"Better him than us."

"Ronon!"

Sheppard was surprised at the amount of people that crowded in the small lab. Either more people cared for Rodney than he thought - or they all feared for their lives if this kept up for much longer.

"Well, we if he was to train every day for about one or two hours, this should tire him enough to behave like a human being again, right?"

Ronon growled at Carter, who was sitting on the only available chair in the room.

"I will not work out with him."

After witnessing what a caffeine deprived McKay was capable off, Sheppard didn't feel much like ordering him too.

"Maybe this will go away on it's own – it has only been three weeks so far."

Teyla tried to be optimistic, but even she failed to see the positive side. If only they could stop caring about Rodney, and just let him work right away; but since he was their friend, they could not let him keep this up, no matter how useful a workaholic Rodney was.

"So, we need to find him a new addiction – one that is safe, available at all times, and won't kill him or anyone else. No news from the botanists?"

"They offered us every potential drug they could possibly think of so far – apparently the botanist's labs will be the next ones McKay plans to 'repair'."

"Poor botanists."

"Any ideas, anybody?"

"Alcohol?"

"Cigarettes?"

"Sex?"

"Meditation?"

"A symbiont?"

"I could still break some of his bones..."

"You really don't forgive him for outrunning you on that track?"

"No."

Silence fell on the small group, only interrupted by the soft beeping of some laptops.

"Hm... wait a moment... I think, no I know what's really wrong with Rodney!!"

Puzzled, the others watched Sheppard run out of the lab – secretly hoping whatever he was about to do would work out.

* * *

_Two weeks later_

"So? How's the work going on?"

"Well, those idiots in lab twenty-one killed the naquadah generators on the whole level, so we have reroute every damn circuit until we find out what exactly they did. Have you see Radek somewhere round here? I need his help, so go and find him if you have nothing else to do."

Sheppard shook his head, grinning.

"You really need to learn some basic manners one day Rodney. Like 'please' or 'thank you'... But I'll try to find him anyway."

He meet the scientist in question half way down to level zero and helped him carry the last of his belongings back to his quarters.

"You think the situation is stable again?"

"Yes – but what did you give him anyway? He is almost back to his normal, yelling self."

Sheppard grinned at him.

"I just wondered if Rodney really was as caffeine addicted as we thought. He always drank his coffee – and ate at least two powerbars, remember? Since he was banned on coffee, I haven't seen him eat one single bar; so I thought maybe was so used to the combination of coffee and powerbars he forgot about the latter one. I traded half my ration of powerbars for his coffee beans – and everything is back to normal again. It seems the lack of coffee was never the real problem. A regular sugar high will do as well."

John had never thought he might one day save the base by trading sweets; but if it made Zelenka and the rest of the scientists move back to their quarters and labs, it was fine with him.

"Great! So as long as we don't run out of powerbars, we'll be safe."

"At least I hope so."

* * *

"Uh, Colonel Caldwell ... I think we have forgotten something. Maybe we should turn around and head back, we are not that far yet. I just rechecked the list, and one crate is missing."

"Which crate is it?"

"Uhm – gym shoes, bubble gums, various novels and power bars."

Caldwell shook his head angrily.

"Powerbars? Are you crazy? I will not turn this ship round for novels and power bars! Set course for Atlantis!"


	42. Told you I was sick

* * *

**What if ...**

**... the team encountered the plague?**

* * *

It should have been nothing but a standard meet-and-greet-mission. The Athosians had run into the Raskons two years ago, and from Teyla's descriptions they should have been quite a peaceful community, good farmers and honest traders and so on. They should have known something would go wrong – didn't all bad missions start like this?

"You sure we're right here?"

Sheppard had landed the puddle jumper close to the village, but once they were in the woods every sign of civilization had disappeared. Teyla took the lead, apparently having no trouble finding her way on the foreign planet.

"Yes, I recognize this path, we should soon- oh my..."

The village had been well built in a small hollow, well hidden from Wraith darts and other unwelcome visitor. From high above only the smoke rising from the chimneys might have given away their position at all - or what Sheppard had thought to be smoke from hearths.

"What has ... happened here?"

McKay and Ronon had finally caught up. All over the valley charcoal piles had been incinerated – but the sickening smell indicated it was not wood being burned there. Even Ronon turned pale for a second.

"I doubt this is the Wraith's doing... oh my god..."

Sheppard had a hard time fighting the urge to vomit, and he was surprised McKay was still standing and talking. Of course, the scientist didn't even stop talking in his sleep, so that wasn't much of an indicator at all.

"We should try to help them."

McKay looked horrified at Sheppard, his self-prevention flashing a red alert sign in his mind.

"No no no! We should get the hell out of here why we can! Whatever killed those people might still be round to kill us!"

"We need to help! Look, if Michael's creatures did this, it's our responsibility to help!"

"But-"

Sheppard cut him off, the smell and the horrible silence of the village racking his nerves.

"You can stay behind and secure the grounds if you like._ Alone_."

Cursing, the scientist followed the rest of his team into the village. Whatever had killed the majority of the villagers, he didn't want to face it alone... Though facing it in a large group obviously hadn't helped the Raskons.

* * *

"How long have you been exposed?"

Dr Keller tried her best to sound calm and optimistic, but she knew they saw right through her. Sheppard tried to ignore the unpleasant feeling when she touched the hard knots underneath his arms.

"Maybe 5, 10 minutes? Once we knew what was going on, we left ASAP... Took us about three minutes to reach the jumper, maybe ten to get back to Atlantis... I thought there was an incubation time of at least two days?"

Keller avoided his eyes, not knowing what to say. Usually, there was a good chance of survival if antibiotics were prescribed within the first 24 hours – but that was given the earthian form of plague, which didn't kill you within one day or less.

"How's my Team?"

If they survived this, he would never again not listen to McKay when it came to running into alien villages in order to help. _If_. Worrying about them made it easier to ignore the pain of his inflamed body.

"Well, so far only you and Dr McKay seem to be affected. We will be working on identifying the antibodies which make Ronon and Teyla immune the second we are done with you and Dr McKay."

"We are going to die, right."

Sheppard wondered how Carson would have reacted to his question; but he was sure the Scott would at least not have pitied them.

"There is still a chance of-"

Sheppard hissed as a new wave of pain seared through his body. Who was she kidding? They would never find an antidote in time...

Well, at least half of his team would survive this... He tried to thank her as he felt the morphine she administer kick in, but his mouth would move. He slipped into the blissful pain free darkness, hoping it would be over soon.

* * *

_See - I told you we should have run when we still had the time too..._

_Great, even as a ghost you are smart alecky ..._

_If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be dead, thank you very much._

_Shouldn't we move on to some higher plane or something? I mean, we are dead, right? And looking at my bubonic body isn't that much of a thrill ... thank god they are going to burn us. Uhm – and sorry for killing you._

They watched Zelenka and some other scientists heat up the makeshift crematory.

_I don't forgive you, but even I have to admit it wasn't your fault we ran into the damn plague._

In silence, they watched as their bodies were incinerated.

_Hm, maybe we should start walking into the light before it goes away?_

_Yeah – but this time I lead, for I've had enough of you getting us into trouble... If we ever were to be reborn, I certainly hope you won't kill me again._

_Hey, didn't you just admit it wasn't my fault? Will you stop it eventually?_

_Yes, I said it wasn't your fault - but that doesn't mean I forgive you!_

_You are the most annoying person I have met in my whole life!_

_Oh, the please is mine, Captain Irritating!_

* * *

**Four months later **

"So, have you decided yet how you will name your children?"

Dr Keller smiled at the Athosian woman, fascinated by the view of the twins' tiny hearts beating simultaneous on the ultrasound screen.

"Oh ... you might think this is impious .. but since they are twins... I think I will name them-"


	43. Painkiller

* * *

Due to the fact I deleted 10 chapters of this story, there might be problems reviewing ... please still try ;)  
Warning:  
One of those gloomy chapters were just everything goes straight to hell o.O

* * *

**What if ... McKay could feel no pain?**

* * *

"Colonel Sheppard! What are you doing!!"

Teyla dropped her bag and rushed in to part the fighting members of her team. Sheppard and McKay looked at her confused.

"Teyla? What's the matter, we were just sparring a bit. Getting McKay into shape,"defensively he added, "he asked for it."

Her eyebrows shot up. Rodney? Training out of his free will? In his sacred lunch break?

"Dr McKay? Are you feeling well?"

He grinned at her, already picking the fighting sticks up again.

"Yes, in fact, I'm feeling great! I think I finally got the hang of this, once you do, it's almost like there's no pain getting hit. I never thought endorphin could really work this well!"

Now it was Teyla's turn to look confused.

"Endorphin?"

Sheppard shrugged and picked up his sticks as well.

"It's something your body produces to make you feel good. Looks like Rodney got a special shot of it today."

Teyla stepped out of their way and watched them continue their training. As strange as it sounded, but Rodney seemed to enjoy himself. She smiled to herself, thinking of what Ronon would say if he heard the news of a sparring eager McKay. Not like she would tell him...Maybe. But she would let Rodney have his fun for a while, it was rare enough to seem him in the gym, no need to ruin this.

* * *

"Rodney..."

The scientist was to immersed in his project to notice the horrified look on Radek's face.

"Not now Radek, I have to add these data into the program, I think we are onto something real big."

Radek slowly made his way through the lab to where Rodney was sitting, carefully avoiding the dark slick spots on the floor.

"Rodney – I think you really, really need to go to the infirmary."

"Hu? What is it now – oh..."

Rodney's eyes widened as his friend brought his sleeve up on eye level.

"How about this?"

Fascinated, Rodney studied his bloody arm; he hadn't even realized the wound. Maybe he had ripped it open on a raw crystal he was working on earlier?  
Radek turned away as Rodney began to probe the raw wound.

"Amazing... This doesn't hurt at all..."

"Okay, that's it – you go to the infirmary. This is- just sick!"

"Hey, you are turning green – does blood make you- oh, please, it's just a small cut, no need to bother Carson, just give me the medical kit."

But the Czech would not let go of him until he had dragged him into the infirmary. Seeing the shocked look on the nurses faces as they examined the torn flesh Radek couldn't help but shudder at the thought what might have happened if he hadn't returned early from his lunch break.

This was no good.

* * *

"Does this hurt?"

"No."

"This?"

"No."

"And when I-"

"No, no, and no again. Are you done? Because I really need to get back to work-"

Carson was almost disappointed to see none of his tries inflicted pain to his patient. He would have enjoyed making him suffer – just a small, homeopathic dose of pain...

"Rodney, you will stay in the infirmary until I clear you. And the longer you refuse to cooperate, the longer you'll be stuck here, understood?"

"Yes, yes, I'm all yours..."

"Fine. Does this hurt?"

"No."

"Oh my... Where did you get those bruises from?"  
"Have been sparing with Sheppard after lunch."

"God Lord Rodney, you look like a – why the hell didn't you stop?"

"Well, for one because it didn't hurt, Einstein? And it's not as bad as it looks, it doesn't hurt at all."

"I can imagine that. Does it hurt when I press this?"

"Nope... No... No and oh – of course not..."

* * *

Five hours of continuous testing, probing and scanning later, and Rodney was bored to tears. Why couldn't the sottish sheep defiler just let him go? He was fine! Of course, at first he had been scared like hell by the news; but once the initial shock of feeling no pain had worn off, he just had been longing to go back to the lab to continue working (_and maybe brag a little bit in front of the marines with his new super ability_).

He was fine; in fact, he was even better than fine. No more pain, never feeling hurt again – this was supposed to be the best thing to ever happen to humankind!

As if on cue, Carson put down his clinical record and looked at him sternly.

"You do realize what this means Rodney?"

The scientist smiled smugly.

"Oh yes, I do. No more Tylenol, no more morphine – for there will be no more pain! I bet you could even operate on me without anesthesia, though that would be quite gross."

Carson didn't smile at his words.

"Yes Rodney. You will feel no pain – which means I will have Elizabeth take you from the offworld team."

Blue eyes stared at him, shocked.

"What? Why so? Hey, I wouldn't even feel getting shot at or being tortured –_ I'm invincible_! There's no reason for you to take me off the team!"

"Have you realized your lip his bleeding?"

"Hu?"

He carefully dabbed his mouth, surprised to find blood.

"Do you understand now? Rodney, I could break your leg right now, and you wouldn't even wince – if only at the sight of it. If I gave you scalding hot coffee, you'd just gulp it down. You have a 2 inches long cut on your arm and are running a fever, but you don't realize it."

Rodney turned pale at his explanations.

"Carson, look, Sheppard sure would be glad to not have me complain all the time – not like I complain at all! But - now that I know that I can't feel pain I just have to take more care of myself – I would still be fine. You're just scaring me, right? You wouldn't have Weir take me from the team? Right?"

Sighing, Carson took Rodney's hands, making him unclench them. There were five crescent shaped marks on each palm.

"If I wouldn't stopped you now, you will continue, until you draw blood. Rodney. You can't go offworld, not as long as you don't feel pain. This is only temporary. Isure it's just the effect of an ancient artefact, for the scanners indicates no abnormalities or previous infections. It would be the best if you would go to sleep now; tomorrow, we will find out what caused the change. I will talk to Elizabeth and explain everything."

Rodney nodded absently, still staring at his hands. Why did things always turn out like that for heaven's sake...

* * *

"Would you mind quit staring? What are you, atlantean food patrol or something?"

"Ah, I just wondered what that pink stuff on your plate was..."

He knew he was an awful bad liar; fortunately, McKay let him of the hook this time. Listlessly, he shove the mashed potatoes from one side of the plate to the other.  
As John looked up, he regretted forcing McKay to eat in the mess instead of taking his tray to his quarters. Everybody seemed to be watched them out of the corner of their eye, ready to jump and stop McKay from taking a wrong bite. Watching Rodney eat had never been a pleasure; but now it was down right nerve racking. Rodney knew about the stares, and was careful to only pick 'safe food' – cool, not too spicy, mushy. The images of him chocking on his blood when he had bitten his tongue or when he burned himself numerous times were still too vivid.

"Any progress on the numbifier?"

He regretted the question the moment he said it. Of course they hadn't found a solution, or else Rodney wouldn't be this miserable.  
"Not at all."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. If you excuse me – I still have to run some tests."

"Yeah... Good luck buddy."

John pretended to not hear to sigh of relief all through the mess the slumped figure of Rodney McKay left the hall.

* * *

"How are you feeling?"

Teyla's eyes were bright with concern, forcing Rodney to turn his head.

"I'm fine. It's not like I'm in pain, you know?"

Neither of them managed to laugh at the joke.

"I'm sorry, I know how hard it is for you to have to stay back."

Hesitant, her arms wrapped around him; as he didn't draw back, she tightened the embrace, hearing Rodney sigh.

"Thank you Teyla, you are... you are a real friend, you know?"

He gave her a forced smiled.

"But if you don't let go, you will be late for the gate, and I will have to check my temperature to make sure I'm not overheating from being crushed by a pretty lady."

Teyla gave him a playful smack before heading off, ignoring the urge to turn around and just forget about the mission.

* * *

"You need to talk to Heightmeyer John."

"Just like you Carson."

"I will. When this is..."

Sheppard was grateful the doctor didn't finish his sentence. _When this is over_. John had become one of the best when it came to the field of denial; there was just no way he could face the inevitable right now.

They both watched the prone figure on the bed, seemingly sleeping peaceful. Most like, he was – Beckett had hit him with a dose of morphine high enough to but him into a coma. And John was grateful for it, or he would have had to shot his friend out of mercy.

"How much time?"

"The nerves already start to degenerate; four hours max."

"Isn't it ironic? He spend ages to get that damn device working; he would have done anything to feel pain again, him of all people... "

Sheppard grinned, having a hard time to keep the hysteric laughter which just welled up inside his mouth.

Oh yes, it was so ironic, of course Rodney found the solution - like he always did, like he always had _done _John corrected himself - he got the numbifier to reverse what it had done, had it restored the synapses. Yes, Rodney had worked wonders on that device, and had his nerves restored - restored to be a fit for an Ancient... McKay's screams would forever ring in his ears.

The sensory input had been too much, even the faintest touch burning like fire. One moment he had been so happy, and the next he lay on the floor, yelling on top of his lungs, no more words, just one horrible pained scream... John could never stand the sight of suffering animals or humans; seeing his best friend losing his mind was almost enough to have him lose his own as well.

But he held onto sanity, held onto it until the heart monitor finally flat lined, until Carson confirmed Rodney's death, until he closed the curtain of the white infirmary bed, one last time checking he was gone, and not just asleep...

It was strange, as he watched himself return to his quarters, pick his best hunting knife and work a bloody pattern on his forearm, carefully avoiding major veins.

Only then John allowed himself to succumb to the hurt, surprised that even shedding tears held a pain of his own.


	44. 38 going on 13

* * *

Prompted by lakewater :)  
Hope you like it!

Finally, a non-gloomy chap again!!

Thanks to Rodney McKay for the help :D

* * *

**What if ...  
The team was turned into rebellious teenagers?**

* * *

"Colonel – I mean, Johnny, you will come down at once!"  
"NO!"

"I am warning you – if you don't come down from that joist, there will be no desert for you and your team tonight!"'

"Hey, that's unfair!"

"Like I care!"

Dr Weir stepped back as the teenager jumped down, landing on his feet gracefully. The Kid was more like a cat than a boy in most aspects – for one, he never did what he was told.

"I thought we had a deal, John Sheppard?"

He tried to tower her (which almost made her grin, for he was still 15 cm shorter than her), his brown eyes bright with anger.

"You said if I behaved, you would let me go to the mainland with Major Lorne! But you didn't! So, why should I keep up with that inane rules of yours! You suck!"

Elizabeth counted to ten before retorting to his accusations. She had dealt with warlords and politicians so corrupt it made want to punch them right in the face; certainly a 13 year old teenager wouldn't made her lose her temper. When she finally spoke, her voice was cutting and cold as ice, and it pleased her to see how Johnny flinched.

"First of all, those inane rules as you call them are necessary to keep you and your friends from running into trouble bigger than we can fix. Second, you didn't behave all day, so I do not see how you can accuse me for being the one to break the deal. And third – what gave you the idea that I wouldn't let you go with Major Lorne?"

John finally lifted his eyes and stared at her confused.

"But – I thought you had – but you said nobody would be going offworld this week, and all missions had been canceled!"

Elizabeth fought the urge to run her hand through John's spiky hair or hug him. He was just to adorable at times.

"Yes, but that doesn't include trips to the mainland John – you should know me better than to think I would break a promise. So, will you do what I tell you and be a good boy, or should I radio Lorne and-"

John grinned at her, saluting and almost knocking himself out with the momentum.

"No Ma'am!! Corporal Sheppard at your command!"

She shook her head at him, smiling.

"Then I'll have you cleaned your room until 7:00 pm, have some dinner and meet Major Lorne 7:30 pm in the jumper bay."

"Roger!"

He was gone before Dr Weir could add that she would personally spank him if he gave Evan a hard time. But she could worry about that when they returned on Monday; for two blissful days, there were only three rebellious teenagers left on Atlantis.

* * *

"_You've been - thunderstruck, thunderstruck Yeah yeah yeah, thunderstruck-_"

"RONON! TURN THE MUSIC DOWN!"

Elizabeth used her best death stare on the boy, which was surprisingly easy seeing what he had done to his room. Ronon looked at her nonchalantly, but eventually stopped the song.

"What do you want – _woman_."

Suddenly all the reasons why she never wanted to have children came knocking at her door at once. She smiled sweetly, displaying a line of dangerous perfect white teeth.

"As much as I hate to disturb your fun, but other people have to work tomorrow, and would look like to get to sleep tonight. Do you copy me?"

Ronon played with his black and pink colored dreads, blocking her out completely. Seeing this, Elizabeth choose a different approach.

"Look, I know you are angry because I didn't let you go to the mainland too-"

Finally Ronon looked at her, his face set in anger.

"You have no idea!! This is unfair, why do you allow that idiot John to go, while I have to stay here! Atlantis sucks, for real!"

Sighing, Elizabeth sat down on a chair, careful to not come in contact with the greasy paint covering the armrest. She had never been good at dealing with underage people; this was way worse than a four nations conference over borders and oil reserves.

"To be honest Ronon, I just didn't think Major Lorne would be able to handle the both of you – I don't even want to think what would happen if all four of you were to go on the mainland."

Ronon huffed at her annoyed.

"Oh yes, and so you let Johnny go, while I stay here? You always favor him! You don't like me at all!"

Elizabeth arched her eyebrows.

"I do like you very much Ronon; Remember, I made both of you the same offer, if you behave, I'll let you go to the mainland for the whole weekend. But as I recall it, John wasn't the one who pierced his earlobes this afternoon with an unsterilized needle and put metal rings into the wounds."

Ronon had the grace to at least partially blush and avoid her gaze.

"Carson said it will heal... and it does look cool..."

"Ronon, being cool isn't as important as you may think - safety and health always come first."

"Yeah... maybe..."

Elizabeth smiled at him, this time for real.

"So, how about I invite you on a late chocolate ice cream special?"

His eyes lit up, telltale sign of how much of a child he was deep inside despite his gruff demeanor.

"With waffle and syrup?"

"But only if you don't tell Rodney..."

"My lips are sealed!"

So only Teyla and Rodney were left to deal with... But well, Carson was examining the kid genius right now, so she didn't have to worry about him at least.

* * *

"Let go! I don't want to! Leave me alone!"

"Rodney, will you **shut up** for a minute!! This is just a scanner, this is not going to harm you, you stupid bugger!"

"I said leave me _alone_!"

The boy kicked him in the abdomen, aiming low and using as much force as possible. Carson swore under his breath and strapped Rodney's leg down, using heavy gaelic words Radek was glad to not be able to understand.

"What a pity we can't sedate him... Not even Ronon has been this troublesome. You okay Carson?"

"Yes. Lets get this test over with."

"I hate you, you, you – you slayer!!"

"Can we start before I think about killing him?"

Radek was sure he would see a small thunder cloud forming any minute over Carson's head.

"Uhm, right... Ready when you are."

Rodney's eye went huge as they shove him into the scanner, and gratefully he was to stunned to continue yelling at them.

"See Rodney? It's not even half as bad..."

Carson visibly relaxed, listening to the soft hum of the equipment only. He was blue and green all over, having to restrain four struggling, unwilling teenagers. Teyla had even gone as far as to bite him actually. But this was the last patient for today; his mind was already occupied with the special bottle of whiskey he had secretly brought with him.

"Hey, Rodney, are you pouting? Common lad, don't be such a silly-"

"Stop ... it... hurts..."

Radek and Carson shared a concerned look.

"Rodney? Are you alright?"

Instead of an answer, they only got a pitiful whine, which had Carson's hand on the abort panel in a second. When they pulled him out, the boy was shivering badly, tears streaming down his face.

"It's okay lad, it's okay, where does it hurt? You don't have to be scared, we're just loosening the restrictions..."

The two adults hurried to free the child, checking him for excoriations or bruises. They were to worried over his arms and legs to notice the sudden change on his face.

"Man, you are sooooo easy to fool!"

Laughing, he slipped down from the gurney and ran for the infirmary doors. He turned around for a second, sticking out his tongue.

"You'll never get me, you losers!"

The scientist and the doctor remained still for another few minutes, until they both felt safe to go after the boy without straggling him the second they got their hands on him.

This was going to be a long, long night.

* * *

"Oh sweetie, won't you let me in? It's me, Kate."

"No! Go away!!"

Judging by her voice, the girl had been crying the whole time since she had locked herself up after lunch.

"I just want to help you Teyla. If you don't tell me what happened, I can't."

"You wouldn't understand!"

Kate sighed inwardly, she had long ago stopped counting how often she heard this very accusation.

"Why don't you tell me what happened, and we'll see if I can understand you? Trying won't hurt honey."

So far, Teyla had been the only one on the rejuvenates team which hadn't given her a hard time; Ronon refused to talk to her at all, Sheppard tried to impress her and get her out on a date and McKay thought they were a bunch of aliens trying to get him to work for the dark side, whatever that meant. But now, even she was locking her out – literally – and refused to cooperate.

"Did somebody say something mean to you?"

"No... it's just..."

"Yes?"

"He talked to her... and she – and she kissed him! On the lips! In front of my eyes!"

Teyla was sobbing again.

"Who? Who was kissing whom Teyla?"

"Dr Watson kissed Major Phonter... and he kissed her back... I wanna die..."

"Oh."

Kate was glad the girl couldn't see her right now – but she couldn't help smiling. So this was what was going on. Lovelorn.

"I am so sorry honey... I remember when my first big crush dumped me... I was so devastated..."

She didn't add the bit where she had realized what jerk he had been for real and how glad she was to have ditched him. In Teyla's word, love was still a romantic, rose colored thing based on wishful thinking and fiction.

"But you have to be strong honey. If you truly love him, you must wish for him to be happy, right? Love also means to let go, if the other can only be happy this way."

God, she sounded so much like the heroine of a tragic love novel it made her cringe. But apparently, she had hit the right nerve, for the doors slid open. Teyla looked miserable, but smiled brave.

"You are right Kate. If Dr Watson can make him happy, I'm happy as well."

"Oh my dear, dear sweet girl, you are so wonderful."

Kate hugged her tenderly, fighting the urge to burst out in laugher, for this was just too adorable. But for the sake of Teyla, she had to act mature and wise, for she sure would misinterpret her amusement.

* * *

"Doc? Beckett?"

Lorne scanned the infirmary, holding our for the Scottish doctor. Carefully, he lay his cargo down on an empty bed.

"Geez, Dr Weir will be so pissed when she hears about this... I would hate to be you in the morning, and not only for the joy of living through your first hangover once more."

Voices draw near; Lorne wondered who had gotten Beckett this worked up, for he was using his best and most vivid curses ever.

"You ungrateful bairn! You idiotic ' erse!! You might have died, you dimwitted Bampot!!"

As he stormed into the infirmary, Lorne could already phantom what had happened. The Scott was drenched and furious, dragging a sobbing and also drenched Rodney behind him who held his cheek. Zelenka followed the two in a respectful distance, to neither get wet nor anger Beckett even more.

"Just wait you Eedjit until I – ah no, not him too! What the hell happened to him?"

Lorne gave them a brief update, carefully aware of the fowl mood the chief medic was in.

"We arrived at the mainland, help the Athosians with their harvest, I thought he was tired to the bone and would sleep until tomorrow – but apparently he snuck out and got himself boiling drunk on the moonshine the Athosians brew. To make a long story short, once he stopped retching, I got him in the jumper and came back to have him check over. Yours?"

He pointed to the shivering boy who sat on a bed close by, stripped of his wet clothes and wrapped in a blue blanket. Rodney ducked as Carson's whithering stare hit him.

"That son of a cow and a sheep run away during a test; in the end I had to drag him out of the ocean or he might have drowned – which would have suited him quite well!"

This time Rodney's crying was for real, and Beckett almost felt sorry for him. The boy had been scared to death when the current got hold of him; he was a decent enough swimmer, but he would have drowned if Carson hadn't jumped right after him. The slap on the face hadn't been necessary, but Carson had been just as scared as Rodney. He maybe was one of the worst brats ever, but he still was nothing but a child. He would have never forgiven himself if something had happened to the boy.

"I sure hope your calculations are right Radek, and they evolve back after Monday... I wouldn't survive dealing with them for much longer."

Radek handed him a pair of dry scrubs and sighed.

"You are not the only one my friend. Promise me to not stop me from harming them if any of them ever ignores my warnings again to touch anything labeled 'juvenilator'."

Carson nodded at him grimly, looking at the 'patients'.

"You have my word on it. No more youngsters on Atlantis."

* * *

"Hu? Ronon, since when do you wear earrings?"

"Earrings?"

"Didn't you notice?"

"No... strange..."

"Must be a marines joke or so. But they do look good on you, in fact they make you almost look like a rock star."

"Ha Ha, very funny Sheppard, lets found the Kings of the Stones Ages or what... By the way, is it just me or is time passing really fast these days? I barely recall this weekend at all."

"Must be you getting old McKay."

"Oh will you shut up? Your just as old as I am – hey, look, simultaneous coffee chocking! Lorne, Heightmeyer, Carson, Elizabeth and Zelenka - Five people, that must be official lantean record!"


End file.
